Wise vs. Wild Contrast #9: Roles
Roles
Her pattern of interactionGirl-Gone-Wild: Inclined to dominate
Girl-Gone-Wise: Inclined to follow
Girl-Gone-Wild: “She seizes him . . . He follows her.” Proverbs 7:13, 25
Girl-Gone-Wise: Like Sarah, she submits to her husband, and to God’s beautiful design. 1 Peter 3:4-6*
The phone was ringing. Katy was calling for the eighth time that evening. She had called 5 times the evening before, and 9 times the evening before that. I knew what this seventh grader wanted . . . to speak to my youngest son, Jonathan. Instead of beckoning him to the phone, I normally took a message, so he could call her back at his leisure. My standard reply to her inquiry if she could speak to him was, “I’ll give him the message and have him call you back.”
Which he did. When it suited him. But that wasn’t good enough for Katy. She was getting aggravated that I was interfering with her desire to cajole my son into jumping through her hoops. Jonathan wasn’t at home that particular evening, so I told her, “I’m sorry, he’s not available.”
To which Katy sarcastically snapped back, “WELL . . . when WILL he be ‘available‘?”
That was it. Enough stalking. Enough Katy. I wouldn’t tolerate disrespect from a cheeky 12 year-old. So I called the phone company and blocked her number. And my husband and I challenged Jonathan to step up and refuse her advances.
The incident happened just before the era of cell phones for students. I remember thinking about how aggressive young girls had become. It used to be that the girls waited for the guys to call them. A female phoning a male was very forward and inappropriate. Social etiquette stipulated that the male was the pursuer. But the feminist movement changed all that. Women became the pursuers.
More recently, my sons have dealt with girls who text them every two minutes every waking hour of every day (and several times during the night), girls who send them salacious half-naked photos, girls who ask them out, girls who stalk them on Facebook, and girls they have to block because “the woman won’t take ‘no’ for an answer.” (And these were “Christian” girls!) Females have morphed into hawkish predators. For a mom trying to raise godly sons, it’s scary out there!
The rules have changed. Social convention now stipulates that women can and ought to be initiators in male-female relationships. They can take the lead. This may sound good in theory, but it doesn’t work very well in practice. I constantly see the carnage resulting from this approach. I think of Heidi, a Christian woman who bought into the “roles don’t matter” paradigm. She saw a guy she liked. She asked him out. She insisted on paying for half their dates. She called him. She kissed him. She brought up the subject of marriage. She negotiated the terms. She insisted on a hyphenated name. She made him give up his job and move because of hers. She made more money, so she made him stay home with the kids. Okay. Now fast-forward 10 years into their relationship: Heidi hates her husband. Her complaint? He’s unmotivated. A deadweight. She has to beg him to do anything. He doesn’t initiate. He’s wimpy, whiny, and disgusting. She’s the only one contributing. And she’s exhausted.
Wait a minute, Heidi. Let me get this straight: You asked him out. You pursued him. You took the lead. You dominated the relationship. Like play-doh in your hand, you molded him into what you wanted him to be . . . and now you hate him for it? What’s more, you expect him to go against years of emasculation and suddenly become a man? Why should he? You’re “the man” in your house-or at least you pretended that you could be.
Details differ, but I can’t tell you how many “Heidi’s” have ended up crying on my shoulder, dismayed that their husbands are wimps and not men-that they are passive and won’t lead. Inevitably, it only takes a few pointed questions to discover why. It’s usually because, right from the start, the woman “wore the pants.” That was the pattern of their relationship. She was the pursuer. He was the pursued. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist-or a social scientist-to figure out that once established, this relationship pattern would be difficult to change.
A major premise of this generation is that gender roles are insignificant and irrelevant. It doesn’t matter who pursues. It doesn’t matter who wears the pants. In fact, it’s good if women take the wheel. Men have had their turn, and for far too long! While it’s made for an interesting-though tragic-social experiment, this theory neglects to take the created design of male and female into consideration. It assumes that we get to decide for ourselves what manhood, womanhood, and male-female relationships are all about. However, according to Scripture, we don’t. Our text in Proverbs reveals that a Girl-Gone-Wild “seizes” a man and compels him to “follow her.” A Girl-Gone-Wise knows that this pattern goes against God’s created design.
© Mary A. Kassian
This is a pre-publication excerpt from “Girls Gone Wise in a World gone Wild,” © Mary A. Kassian to be published by Moody Publishers in 2010. All rights reserved. You are welcome to link to this post, but please do not copy and/or reproduce this copyrighted material without express written permission of Moody Publishing.
Category: Blog, Male and Female Roles
I’m really enjoying all of these posted excerpts and am looking forward to reading the book eventually.
How about equal partnerships? Why does anyone have to be a leader?
I want to honor God in any dating relationship that I may get into. I like this boy right now who is very sweet and loves God. Is it not in God’s plan for me to “move things along” at all? I feel like I should wait for him to start a relationship for sure, but is it wrong for me to try to plan times to hang out, or to text him and stuff?
Thanks for your help
Brie, It’s wonderful that you have a heart to do what God wants you to do.
It’s hard to give a good answer to your question without knowing your age.
If you are too young to get married, then my advice to you is to hang out in groups and to be friends with the boy, but to avoid pairing off with him in a one-on-one dating relationship. Guard your heart and your purity for your future husband. I know that most girls start to date when they are in their early teens, but I would encourage you to wait.
My second comment is that the pattern you start in a dating relationship will set the tone for the rest of the relationship. So if you want to be married to a man who will be the spiritual leader in your home, he has to begin to demonstrate that leadership from the start.
I suggest you read some of Leslie Ludy’s books on Authentic Beauty, Set Apart Femininity, and Answering the Guy Questions — they’ll help you think about what dating relationships are all about.
Hmm, I’d also kind of like to know, as someone else already asked, what the whole problem would be if we elimiated this idea that one person in the relationship has to be “in charge?” My fiance is my best friend, not my leader! I find that so offensive. He doesn’t know everything because he’s a man. He’s not better at everything because he’s a man. Sometimes he calls the shots, sometimes I do. Our relationship is built on mutual respect, shared interests and intelligent discussion..not my desire to have a man take charge of me.
I agree, Mary J. My fiance and I are two very dedicated Christians who love the Lord and humbly want to serve Him and each other. It is my personal belief that the leadership talked about in the NT is not one of “being in charge” (i.e. a lordship/domination) but one of humble servant-leadership. Christ was a leader to his disciples, was her not? And he got down on the floor and washed their feet. He layed down his life for them. He did not force decisions on anyone, but gently guided in the truth.
I beleive culture has sadly twisted gender roles, and this influence has insidiously crept into much of church doctrine. This doctrine is propgated without true Biblica support. Much of what is preached as “proper gender roles’ (i.e. wives humby submitting every decision to the husband, who knows everything and is appointed by God to be stronger, more enterprising, generally more capable at life… therefore women should stay in the quiet, because they are not built/designed/enabled by God to lead, ever!) comes from very generalized “reading-between-the-lines” of obscure, single-line verses. As a student at a Christian college having taken several Bible and religion courses, I know just how dangerous it is to take one verse of Scripture out of context.
All this to say, as I woman I am tired of having my feminity defined as soft/weak/incapable/second-best. I have discussed many of these things with my fiance and asked his frank opinion on them. He did not think I was wrong to challenge the world’s definiting of womanhood/manhood. He told me he beleives in mutual, humble service between a husband and wife. Being a Christian is not about asserting your will above another, whether you are male or female. The Bible is very clear about that. It is about humbly considering others “better than yourself”. I am very sure this applies to both genders.
I agree with you, Mary. I am tired of the church tellin woman to back down. I do not believe woman have any right to stomp on men. They need to be respected as beings created in the image of God. We need to be humble servants to our brothers in Christ. And Vice Versa. Women, too, need respect. And not because we are “weaker” but because we too are beings created in the image of God, FOR GOD, not for the sake of man. Not to be taken charge of. Little children need to be taken charge of. Not an adult woman. I am responsible to God alone, not my husband/father/boyfriend for directions and accountability in life.
I don’t know how I ended up on this website but will make sure to never come back again. This is a danerous message you are sending to young girls here.
I am so glad the world isn’t backwards like this anymore. You are a minority, and I promise to do my life work to empower women and inform young men and women what equality is.
Sad to say Greeniee but your the one unfortunately who has things backward. And I pray that Mary Kassian will by God’s grace continue to proclaim the power and the truth of the Holy Scriptures! We need more teachings like hers in the christian world…because voices like yours our being heard way to loud.
Woman of Christ it’s time to turn things around. Arise and speak up for Christ, take position and play your God given roles, not the world’s role that is constantly being pushed on us!
I also promise to do my life work to honor God by empowering woman to embrace their God given roles as woman who live by His standards and Glorify His Holy name by informing them of what the Bible teaches.
Amen!!!