Thrill of the Chaste

The Thrill of the Chaste: Finding Fulfillment While Keeping Your Clothes On by Dawn Eden (W Publishing Group division of Thomas Nelson Publishers)

Popular culture teaches that sex is a normal part of any dating relationship. The message is that men will not date you, love you, or marry you, unless you have sex with them. Sex is heralded as the harbinger to emotional intimacy and deeper commitment. But does this Sex & the City dating philosophy really work? Does sex lead to deeper, more committed relationships? Dawn Eden, a 31-year old unmarried rock journalist in New York City thinks not. In her book, The Thrill of the Chaste, she explains why she pitched her Sex & the City lifestyle for the thrill of chastity.

Dawn was a columnist for Salon, Billboard, and Mojo, and she is now the deputy news editor at the New York Daily News. In The Thrill of the Chaste, Dawn bares her soul to show by personal experience that Sex & the City feminism doesn’t work. She argues that this philosophy numbs and fragments the souls of women, and actually pulls them further away from the commitment and emotional intimacy they so desire.

Women would like to believe that after having sex in numerous dating relationships, they (like their Sex & the City movie heroines), will end up happily married. But unfortunately, the statistics don’t bear that out. The chance of a woman having a stable marriage actually decreases with each sexual partner.  Dawn came to realize that having premarital sex actually made her less likely to get married. She notes:

There must be a reason why people, in the face of loneliness and isolation, are willing to forgo easy pleasures in hope of better ones. For me, it’s because I became convinced that having premarital sex – contrary to what our culture claims – actually made me less likely to gain a husband. Moreover, I realized that my readiness to engage in physical intimacy altered me emotionally to the point that I was not equipped to sustain a marriage.

Throughout the book, Dawn is candid about her sexual history and the effect it has had on her life. This is the book’s greatest strength, and ironically enough, also its biggest limitation. Dawn notes that it was her conversion to Christianity/Catholicism that caused her to examine her dating habits and brought her to her senses. Although she is open about her faith, it’s her personal experience with the Sex & the City lifestyle that gives her words the greatest credibility. This book chronicles her personal journey toward chastity. So if you’re looking for substantive Bible teaching on the topic, or are already convinced about the merits of chastity, this isn’t really the book for you. On the other hand, since she doesn’t delve into the Bible very much and doesn’t talk about “Catholic” theology,  it’s a book that Evangelicals could find useful in some circumstances.

I was thinking that it would be a great book to give my friend, “Kate”. Kate is an old friend from high school that’s burned through a series of relationships and marriages. Last time I talked to her, Kate was concurrently dating and sleeping with three separate men. I think the book might hold up a mirror and put words to the feelings of emptiness and disillusionment she undoubtedly feels. And maybe it would be a catalyst for her to stop  jumping into bed with every male prospect long enough to examine her relationship with God. Because in the end, the thrill of the chaste isn’t in chastity itself, nor is it in a lasting, successful marriage … it’s in the relationship it allows us to experience with Jesus, the lover and redeemer of our souls.