The Pew Research Center, a Washington, D.C.-based “fact tank” that conducts polls on contemporary American issues, recently released a study showing that women are the leading – or only- breadwinners in 40 percent of households. In 2010, only 22 percent of married women ages 30 to 44 made more money than their husbands — as compared to 4 percent in 1970.

While this alpha woman trend is celebrated by those who have swallowed the feminist/egalitarian claim that male-female roles are interchangeable, the reality is that the majority of alpha women are dissatisfied with their breadwinner status. It appears that an alpha woman married to a beta boy puts an unnatural strain on a couple’s marital and sexual relationship.

In an article, “What Do Alpha Women Really Want?” Judith Newman, an alpha wife and the author of You Make Me Feel Like an Unnatural Woman admits,

I’m the main breadwinner in my marriage. And now it seems I’m part of a national trend. (Although sometimes I wonder if that trend might be titled: “Women! We’re Idiots!”)

Newman cites several examples of discontented alpha women.

Elizabeth D., a computer executive in Silicon Valley, says of her husband, who holds a lower-level job: “Making more makes me resent him and feel he’s not pulling his weight and should figure out something else to pursue.”

“When my husband stopped having sex with me, he said that my haranguing him about his lack of income killed his desire,” notes Lisa R., a recently divorced publicist in Vail, Colorado.

Janice Min, the former editor of Us Weekly, who reportedly makes more than $2 million a year, wrote an article for the New York Post about what it was like living with her stay-at-home husband. She confesses that she often felt exhausted and annoyed with him.  In Min’s estimation, at least 60 percent of alpha women are perpetually annoyed about their breadwinner status.

Couples therapist, Jane Greer, Ph.D., says the reason the alpha woman-beta boy model doesn’t work very well is due to the fact that alpha women expect their increased earning power to translate into a greater share of power in the relationship:

“When a man makes a lot of money and a woman doesn’t, there may be fighting over money — the actual dollars and cents of living and how she spends it. When a woman makes a lot of money and the man doesn’t, the fight isn’t exactly over money but over power: She expects to have more of it.”

Though frustrated with the strain of being an alpha woman, Newman begrudgingly admits that she still likes being the boss:  “The thought of being Betty Draper terrifies me. I want to be Don. Out in the world in a cloud of smoke with my highball glass, brilliant ideas, and adoring throng. And the big(ish) paycheck that makes it all possible.”

Newman wants her man to be the alpha man in bed, but in every other way to joyfully assume the beta position that she has devalued and abandoned.

Despite society’s best efforts, the Alpha Woman-Beta Boy relationship model is problematic. Most women who are forced through circumstances to be the main breadwinner admit that the situation is less than ideal. And I believe that’s because it goes against our basic created design. In the very beginning, the Lord God put the male in the garden to work. It was the man’s responsibility to be the provider for his family. That’s not to say women can’t work or contribute- or should not get paid more. But it does indicate that men are “wired” to bear the primary weight of the responsibility of providing for the family. Women aren’t.

When women are the primary breadwinners, the responsibility burdens them in a way that it doesn’t burden men. He was created to shoulder that burden willingly and gladly. But the responsibility wearies her, and she eventually becomes resentful or critical that he is content to let her carry it, that he doesn’t step up to the plate to alleviate the weight, or that he doesn’t fill the vacuum of her absence in the home.

Generally speaking, men base their identity on their work, while women base their identity on their relationships. Unemployed men and beta men struggle with issues of self worth and their identity far more than an unemployed or stay-at-home woman.

What’s more, since our roles affect our sexual conduct, it isn’t easy for a woman to switch from being alpha in bread-winning to being beta in bed. Nor is it easy for a man to switch from being beta in bread-winning to being alpha in bed. As Newman points out, this presents a severe dilemma for alpha women. They have been taught to crave financial independence, power and control, but find that they aren’t sexually attracted to beta boys.

So what’s an alpha woman to do?

Newman suggests that you demand more help from your man, and that men ought to more joyfully embrace the beta helper role. But I suggest that you evaluate your alpha propensity to wear the pants, and take a serious look at whether you are being the woman God intended you to be. And do what is necessary to move your heart and behavior in that direction.

Is it possible for a woman to out-earn her husband but still have him be the alpha head of the house? Perhaps it is. But it would take a concerted effort on the woman’s part to drop her alpha mode down with her briefcase when she walks in the door.

Because when you boil it right down, you’re not going to be satisfied with a man who’s a beta boy. Deep down, every woman wants her man to be a man. And you’ll only inspire him to be a man when you act like a woman . . . when you choose to stand against culture, and embrace, delight, and live according to God’s created design.

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Note:  I’ve heard from several complemententarian pastors who say their wives must work and do out-earn them. However, they also tell me that though this is the situation, they don’t feel it’s ideal. They wish they earned more, and wish that their wives didn’t have to bear the burden of being primary breadwinner.

It’s not “wrong” for a woman to out earn her husband. That wasn’t my point. My point is merely that such a circumstance can and often does put an unnatural strain on relationships, and that a woman in this situation needs to take care to make sure that her higher wage doesn’t cause her to usurp her husband’s headship in their home.

So does God expect us to shut our mouths and never say anything? Are we not allowed to express our opinions? Or discuss, deliberate, or disagree? Does godly womanhood mean we get out the duct tape and slap and “X” over our mouths?  That we mutley nod our heads up and down like bobble head dolls?

When the Bible talks about quietness, it’s not referring to an absence of verbal noise as much as it’s referring to an absence of spiritual noise. Although there’s a connection, quietness has more to do with the state of our hearts than the volume of our words.

Quiet describes a mindset of calmness, serenity and tranqulity. It’s being settled, steadfast, and peaceful. A quiet dispostion is like a still, peacefull pool of water, as opposed to a churning, agitated whirlpool. A quiet spirit is the opposite of an anxious, distressed, disorderly, and clamourous one.

I think Amy Carmichael got the idea right in her poem, “Give Me a Quiet Mind” in which she cries out to the Lord to give her this beautiful disposition:

GIVE ME A QUIET MIND

When winds are blowing, waves are rising, falling
And all the air is full of dust and spray;
When voices, like to sea birds’ plaintive calling,
Confuse my day;

Then, then I know Thee, Lord of highest heaven
In newborn need discover Thee, and find
Nought can discomfort him to whom is given
A quiet mind.

When hopes have failed, and heavy sadness crusheth,
And doubt and fear would weave their deadly spell,
Then thought of Thee my troubled spirit husheth;
And all is well.

In midnight hours when weariness ignoreth
Heaven’s starry host, and battle wounds are mine,
Then Thy right hand uplifteth and outpoureth
Love’s oil and wine.

O Blessed Lord, beyond the moment’s sorrow
I see above, beaneath, before, behind–
Eternal Love. Give me today, tomorrow,
A quiet mind.

(From the collected poems of Amy Carmichael)

In my opinion, the research (and the Globe and Mail’s foreboding advice) demonstrates more about a prevalent bias against marriage, motherhood, and womanhood than it does about the competence,  intelligence and ambition of women who change their names.

First, it’s important to note that the researchers and participants of the study were unmarried college students. Since college students have not yet embarked on a career, it’s safe to assume that their perceptions are not based on their experience with married women in the workforce, but rather on what they’ve been taught about the ideals to which women ought to aspire.

College students have been have been taught that if a woman is smart, she will be career-minded, independent, and calculating—a high-earner, who is fiercely intent on reaching the highest rung on the career ladder. They’ve been trained to believe that it would be a “waste” for a smart woman to spend her life on family rather than career. Those women who value marriage, family, and commitment above career—those who get married and/or change their name, become dependent on a man, or give up anything for him—are regarded by today’s students as either less competent, or just plain dumb.

Unfortunately, it may take several decades of life experience for it to dawn on them that this simply isn’t true. And by then, their course will be set, and it will be too late.

Should you say “I do” to changing your name when you get married? I think there are six biblically-based reasons why it may be a good idea:

1. Unity:  Scripture says that when you become married, you become one flesh with your husband.  Changing your name to his reflects that fact. (Gen. 2:24; Matt. 19:5)
2. Identification: Scripture teaches that it’s the man who launches out to establish a new family unit. Changing your name to his, and naming your children with the same name, identifies all of you as part of his family unit. (Gen. 2:24; Matt. 19:5)
3. Commitment: Changing your name indicates that you are making a permanent, life-long commitment to your husband, and will henceforth be identified as being inseparably linked to him. (Rom. 7:2; Matt. 19:6)
4. Roles: Changing your name to his indicates that you affirm the biblical pattern of your husband being the head of your marriage and household. (1 Cor. 11:3; Eph. 5)
5. Paradigm: Since the relationship between husband and wife is a paradigm of the relationship between Christ and the church, Christian women who change their name model and bear witness to the reality of Christ changing our names when we enter a relationship with Him. We—the church Bride—identify ourselves with Him and are called by His name when we become one with Him. Christ’s bride is rightly called by her Husband’s name. A woman who changes her name bears witness to this part of the gospel story. (Isa. 43:7, Acts 15:17, 2 Chron. 7:14, Rev. 3:12; 14:1)
6. Precedence: Adam named Eve. Twice. (Gen. 2:23; 3:20)

It can be argued that whether or not a woman uses her husband’s name is a cultural practice. But in my mind, culture cannot be separated from ideology. A culture’s practice is based on that culture’s belief system. The reason our culture is deviating from the practice of a woman adopting her husband’s name is due to a devaluation of marriage and emphasis on woman’s independence from man.

More and more women are keeping their names, or hyphenating their names, or negotiating with their husbands to change both names to a new, blended name. Although the Bible doesn’t directly address this issue, and while I don’t thing it’s “wrong” for a woman to keep her maiden name, I believe there are compelling reasons for a Christian wife to take on her husband’s name when she gets married.

Contrary to popular media opinion, saying “I Do” to changing your name may, in fact, be more intelligent than saying “I Don’t.”

References:

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/work/married-women-should-say-i-dont-to-changing-their-name-study-suggests/article1547482/

http://www.stapel.socialpsychology.nl/downloads/Noordewier-et-al-BASP.pdf

In this post you’ll meet Kristen–a woman who bought into the idea that it’s liberating for women to be sexually aggressive, powerful, and free. Kristen viewed sex as a stepping stone to a deep, meaningful relationship, happiness and fulfillment. But that didn’t happen. Eventually she realized that what she thought she controlled, actually controlled her. Her choices set her on a downward spiral into addictions, promiscuity and the sex trade. It wasn’t until Kristen relinquished the right to set her own moral compass, and turned to the age-old wisdom of the Bible – becoming a Girl Gone Wise rather than a Girl Gone Wild – that she discovered true freedom and joy.

By Kristen

The Bible talks about people being slaves to sin, and I know of no other way to describe my former life than one of utter spiritual imprisonment. I called myself a Christian, but I wasn’t concerned about doing things God’s way. I was the god of my life. I felt free to do as I pleased. My attitude, my speech, my relationships, my clothing and my body language all screamed one thing: “I MAKE THE RULES!”

I thought I was free to do what would make me happy, but rejecting God’s way set me on path that only led to deeper and deeper bondage. I tried to fill my desires with men and sex. When one guy disappointed me, I looked for another one.  I was driven by the lie that said, “You can fix this with more of that.”

The Fun turned into a Nightmare

My life became a cycle of revolving door relationships and bowing to the various “idols” I thought would satisfy my thirst.  But bit by bit, I gave away my soul in an attempt to quench that thirst. What started out as “fun” ended up as a nightmare. Men, sex, and relationships led to more men, sex, and relationships. I suffered with eating disorders. I became an alcoholic and a heroin addict. I was abused. I began to lie, cheat, and steal. I was consumed with lust. I used my knack for attracting men to make money, through stripping and prostitution.  You name it, I did it. And in the process, sin sucked my soul completely dry.

I dug my own grave, ran from myself, and was consumed by the very things I thought I controlled. My pride and shame refused to accept God’s truth. Utterly hopeless, I was too scared to die and too weak to live. The sex, drugs, greed, lust, lies, anger, and array of other draining addictions left me desperate and broken.

The Beauty of Redemption

Coming to a place where I can praise God for the disaster He allowed me to make out of my life can only come from a clear vision of His character and the beauty of redemption. To know light, you must acknowledge the darkness. To be filled, you must recognize your inability to satisfy your own hunger. To truly experience the presence, glory and love of God, you must first become acutely aware of your separation from it.

Until I realized how very lost I was, I wasn’t ready to cry out to be found. When I finally did turn from my self-appointed right to rule, the holy hands of my Savior reached down to touch me. I offered him my dirty, filthy rags. He robed me in righteousness and called me His bride. He took my rebellious heart and gave me His Spirit. He crushed death and gave me new life. He whispered, “Forgiven,” so I can shout, “Freedom!”

True Freedom

True freedom is the power to do what’s right. Jesus broke my chains. He gave me the power to leave wildness behind, and to start taking some steps in the right direction, on the path of wisdom. Given my history, reading the Girls Gone Wise book wasn’t easy. When Mary talked about the cycle of getting, using, and losing men, I thought “this woman is describing ME! This has been my endless search my entire life and finally I am going to get some answers!”

What I hadn’t realized was how painful the conviction ahead was going to be. I had always played the victim, manipulating others and fooling myself that I was allowed to act that way because of how badly I’d been hurt. I knew how to manipulate guys to get what I wanted from them. I never took a step back to see the depth of my own sin. Defiance, self-righteousness, and entitlement were ingrained into every cell of my being.

I had lived a life of sin for so long that I did not know how to talk to any man ever without the intent of luring him sexually and getting something out of him. I believed the world’s definition of beauty and womanhood. I thought I was being beautiful, but now I see the ugliness of the lie. But thankfully, step by step, the Lord is making all things new.

True Beauty

Girls Gone Wise has given me a guideline and a new standard on what true beauty looks like. I can come to Jesus and begin the transformation in his grace. I am so thankful for this new, true definition of womanhood that directs me toward the light where I can find hope again.

I can’t say I never struggle. My heart sometimes wanders and my faith is sometimes shaken. But one thing remains. Jesus has set me free!

“For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.” (Romans 8:2) ”So if the Son sets you free, you shall be free indeed!” (John 8:33)

Girls, the “freedom” upheld by the world is counterfeit. As Kristen discovered, true freedom is the power to make hard choices and do what’s best and right. It’s the type of freedom that’s only found in a relationship with Jesus Christ.

Do you have a story about how Christ has freed you to become a Girl Gone Wise? I’d love to hear it! You can email me at mary at girlsgonewise dot com.

The holiday’s are upon us. And the chances of a single gal being cornered by well-meaning relatives and lovingly interrogated about the status of her love life are… about 100 percent!

• What happened to that last boy… what was his name?
• You aren’t getting any younger, sweetie.
• What are you doing with your life – I had three little boys by the time I was your age!
• One of my Bible Study ladies has a grandson about your age, should I get his phone number for you?
• You’re not one of those… uh…. lesbians, are you?
• I’m sure you don’t want that dessert! You need to watch your figure so you can attract a man.

Oh, relatives! First it was the Garfield panties that second cousin Tammy put in your stocking, then the doll from Granny Jane when you were too old for dolls, then the ugly Christmas sweater that wasn’t meant to be a joke … and now this: the constant relationship inquisition.

How’s a girl supposed to think about Jesus and the real meaning of Christmas when all people want to talk about is your lack of a boyfriend or your lack of engagement to the boyfriend you have? It is so easy to respond by getting frustrated at the questions, angry at the intrusion, and discontented with your present situation. While I cannot tell you God’s specific plan for your love life, I can assure you that frustration, anger and discontentment are not his plan for your holiday season!

Tis Not the Season

Sadly, I don’t have the ability to make all of your relatives stop being nosy and start being a bit more thoughtful, but I do believe that the Lord will provide you with the tools–armor even–to help you resist fleshly reactions and enjoy a joyful holiday that focuses on the Savior’s birth.

1. Tis not the Season to be Snarky

While your relatives’ comments may come across as intrusive or condescending, you are called to respond in love (1 Peter 3:9). Chances are, your family is operating under a common assumption that life should be a certain way. Christian girls get married. That’s just what they do. Then they have babies. Two or three of them. It’s the other thing they do. And now you are grown, but don’t have a husband or children and they aren’t sure what to do with you, and don’t know what to talk about. Your life doesn’t fit with their experience or assumptions.

Perhaps this is the year to gently counter that assumption by opening the Bible to 1 Corinthians 7 and explaining that you rejoice in God’s plan for your time of singleness. Paul said it first. “Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am.” (1 Cor. 7:6-8)

Part of the assumption is that you must be miserable, because most people don’t view singleness as a good gift from God. While many singles aren’t happy with their singleness, often their families are even less happy. But it is important to remember that singles are single because God has determined it to be this way. He’s either not brought someone into their lives or He’s kept the relationship with that last boyfriend from working out. This is HIS PLAN! It is not a mistake. It is not a punishment. He is good, and His plan is good, and your time of singleness is also good (Exodus 33:19, Psalms 31:19; 107:1, Romans 8:28-29, Matthew 7:11).

The holidays offer a singular opportunity to take your family on the journey of understanding biblical singleness and how you’ve learned to trust God with your relationship future.

2. Tis not the Season to be Discontent

While a relationship inquisition from rarely-seen relatives isn’t fun, it usually passes quickly. Especially when cousin Susie walks in with new baby Emma. But the thing that may last a lot longer is the underlying discontent and pain that their questions bring to the surface. What they see as a few questions about your current relationship status can be an open door for you to wallow in self-pity about your single state. Don’t walk through that door! Perhaps take a walk and listen to praise music or find a quiet corner and dig into Scripture instead. Remember the true reason you are single. It’s because this is exactly where God wants you to be. It is what is best for you now. It is what He wants to use in your life at this point in time to sanctify you and bring God glory.

Marriage, relationships and boys in general are not rewards handed out to  good Christian girls for living in obedience and purity. There is a bigger plan and purpose at work in your singleness. God is not playing games with you.  He’s trying to work His perfect will out through your life (Romans 8:28-29, John 10:10).  God is not holding out on you, He is giving you – the daughter He dearly loves – the best thing for right now. You may not understand it–and you may not particularly like it– but you are asked to trust Him. Trust God. He is good and He gives good gifts to his children! (Psalm 84:11, Matthew 7:11)

3. Tis not the Season to Forget the Reason

The reason you are gathered with family in the cold of winter is to celebrate Jesus. Not your relationship status on facebook. Not your lack of a date to the Christmas Eve party. Not the handsome hunk who has turned your head. Not your current heart-throb or past heart-ache… the reason for the season is Jesus.

This year, don’t get distracted by nosy relatives or relationship inquisitions. Make this Christmas a year of Merry Single-mas by keeping your heart, mind, and spirit solidly fixed on the Prince of Peace.