Me Tarzan, You Jane?
It’s all over twitter. It’s discussed in detail in all the recent dating and 
relationship books. It screamed at us from reality television. Every successful TV matchmaker positively demands it.
Men are hunters. Women are responders.
Patti Stanger, The Millionaire Matchmaker, is famous for berating her girls to “Give him space to chase! Be the hunted!” Steve Ward, VH1 Tough Love host, explains “Men like a challenge; it’s in their nature. They love the thrill of the hunt. It’s okay to make him earn a relationship with you. If he is really interested he’ll do what it takes to see you.” Popular performer Steve Harvey, in his chapter entitled, ‘Strong, Independent and Lonely Women,’ says “If men can’t exercise two of the major components that make up who we are as men –providing and protecting-then we’re not about to profess our love for you.” He goes on to say that women who don’t need their men to be men (because the women are busy being the male in the relationship) will date perpetual boys who will use them or men who will leave them for women who are the women in relationships. Even reality TV shows like the Bachelor/ette have proven it…. When many men pursue one woman…. There is sometimes a happy ending. But when many women pursue one man…. They breakup in a few months. The entire secular world, feminists included, has come to observe that for a relationship to be successful, the man needs to be the pursuer.
Men are hunters. Women are responders.
Scripture not only supports this truth, it reveals that God designed men and women this way. God created Adam as protector and provider, “The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and keep it.” (Gen. 2:15) Then God created Eve as the helper for Adam, because “for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. (Gen. 2:20-24) God created man as protector/provider and designed woman to be his helper.
This truth is not confined to Genesis; the entire book of Song of Songs is a beautiful, graphic, picture of a bridegroom pursuing his love. He initiates their relationship and she responds to his tender courtship. (Song of Solomon) He pursues, she responds. Another story that reveals this truth, one not so happy or romantic, is that of Hosea and Gomer. The prophet of God who married a prostitute. He went out and found her, rescued her from a life of sin and shame – he married her. Again and again Gomer returns to her past life, leaving behind the man who gave her everything. He pursues, she responds – although her response is not always positive.
But why? Why are men hunters and woman responders?
Patti attributes the male hunter behavior to innate masculine energy. “The man is the hunter and the woman is the gatherer, and the man is supposed to provide for the woman. So if she begins to provide for him, she gives off masculine energy, and it throws everything off balance.” Steve Harvey speaks of DNA, “Encoded in the DNA of the male species is that we are to be the provider and the protector of the family.” Matchmaker Steve Ward assumes it has to do with evolution. Men are hunters because somewhere deep down inside is a remnant of their ancestors – the prehistoric cavemen. Supposedly, prehistoric man lived in caves and provided for his family by hunting. Chasing down prey was his first job and first sport. Many believe that this evolutionary instinct is still present in men today. No better picture of the “caveman” behavior than Tarzan. He lived like an animal, surviving off the land. Initially, he was only able to communicate in a series of grunts. Yet, he somehow managed to win the heart of an intelligent woman like Jane, solely through his persistent pursuit.
But why? Why did God created men as pursuers and woman as responders?
Not because deep down there are still remnants of prehistoric caveman ancestors, but because God intentionally designed them that way. God’s design of masculinity as pursuer of femininity directly reflects Christ’s pursuit of his bride, the church. Jesus pursued us, his bride. (1 John 4:19) Jesus made the provision for us to have a relationship with him. (Is. 53:5) His love is unconditional and unfailing. (Rom. 8:38-39)
Male and female directly reflect Christ’s pursuit of his bride. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. (Eph. 5:25-32)
Men are pursuers. Women are responders. Because gender is a picture of the gospel. God’s “role assignments” for men and women are a living picture of Christ’s pursuit and provision of us, the church, his bride. We, the females, are designed to be responders. Not as punishment for being less skilled or weak, but because this is how Jesus asks us to glorify him. Your Savior is asking you to be the responder in your dating relationships, in your marriage, in your church – so that His redemptive salvation is declared to the world. That way, even if there isn’t a second date, even if your marriage is on the rocks, Jesus is made known through your behavior. By refusing to ‘be the man’ and embracing God’s design for your femininity, He gets glory.
Not because he is a modern-day Tarzan and you are his Jane….
But because, as male and female, you are a reflection of your Savior to the world.
© Gabrielle Pickle
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We also open jars and kill bugs for you……
Yay for guys that kill bugs!
I have to say that I really think this article is full of stereotypes about men and women. These kinds of articles just encourage men and women to remain entrenched in their own selfish inclinations instead of reaching out to each other and realizing how much men and women actually have in common.
This article also seems to draw upon poor examples. The verse from Ephesians quoted above doesn’t actually say anything about women being responders in a marriage relationship or any other relationship. The passage about Gomer is not a picture of an ideal marriage, but rather of God’s faithfulness to faithless Israel (in other words, not how a good marriage should actually work). Additionally, Song of Solomon is about a relationship between and woman and a man who had hundreds of wives and concubines, so probably is also not an example of an ideal marriage. All of these verses, including the Genesis verses, don’t actually say anything to support the author’s claims (both man and woman were required to work the earth and how is God bringing Eve to Adam an example of Adam pursuing and Eve responding?).
Finally, my husband and I don’t fit into the stereotypes– he initiates sometimes and responds other times and vice versa. I love it! I think we have true unity in our marriage because we are able to get past these shallow stereotypes and truly communicate and allow each other to defy the traditional gender roles.
As a side note, it’s interesting how much this article draws upon culture to reinforce stereotypes about men and women. Even if the Bachelor or VH1 supposedly prove that I’m a responder, I don’t want culture to define who I am as a woman. I find it fascinating that while the women on this website usually argue that culture negatively informs our understanding of gender, when it fits what they believe, they are more than happy to point to culture as a reinforcement of traditional gendered stereotypes.
I think you may have missed the main scope of what was being said, Sarah. Take another look at the reference in Ephesians 5. You’re right that it doesn’t specifically say that women should be responders. However, if you look at each of the actions taken by both sides (Christ and the Church), you will notice two very real things:
1) Christ pursues His bride, the Church, with loving actions (giving Himself up for her, cleansing her, etc.–Romans 5:8).
2) The Church has the responsibility to respond to Christ’s love by being holy/set-apart and by being washed through with the water of the Word.
These are two significant observations to make, especially when noting the context of Ephesians 5:23, which says, “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.” You will never see the Church switch roles with Christ, therefore the roles of male and female should not be switched (that is, unless the above verse is suddenly unbiblical). If that were to take place, it would be a misrepresentation of Christ and the Church. We must remember that earthly marriage serves as a picture to point us and others to Christ and His finished work.
Therefore, when a man pursues a woman to love her, it is a reflection of Christ’s pursuit of the Church–us. In turn, when a woman responds to that pursuit with a love of her own, it is a reflection of the Church’s response to Christ’s love.
Of course, I don’t mean for this to be taken to the extreme. I DO NOT mean that women shouldn’t work, and I DO NOT mean that women should be barefoot in front of a stove! Simultaneously, I DO NOT mean that men should lord over their wives as dictators! Those are extremes. The male role must be balanced with Ephesians 5:21&33 so that his role doesn’t become a dictator. This article is a lesson on the roles that God gave to man and woman.
However, you are very right about the illustrations given in the article! Hosea’s marriage to Gomer ISN’T ideal! Lol! Nor is the idea of being married to Solomon, who took many wives! Still, the same undertones ring true:
He pursues. She responds.
No, these aren’t perfect examples of marriage, but they are perfect examples to demonstrate God’s original gender roles. Just like Adam and Eve. Why else would God pen the verse found in Genesis 2:24? “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” The Greek word used for “be united” here is “dabaq,” and it means “to cling, to stay with, to pursue closely, to be joined together.” The verse doesn’t say that a woman shall leave her family to be united with her husband. That would misrepresent what Christ did, which was to leave His Father in heaven and be united with his Bride, the Church.
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This is very hard for me personally. I’m a girl who…to be honest is as far from a responder as possible. I prefer “male” things. In fact, in a group that I am in I’m the best shot, and there are men there. That’s kinda the best example I have. So glorifying God in the way I was meant to is really hard for me. I want to provide for myself and my partner. On top of that, most male leaders…my father for example didn’t do a good job at leading his family at all, even though all he wanted to do was exert control.
For me to just lay back and allow someone to meet all my needs is very hard. In fact, when I’ve read passages in the Bible where men were rulers of their wives…it actually took a big chink out of my faith. So my question is how do I get past that and do what I’m meant to do… especially when I’m better at doing some things than other men?
what a bunch of crap
Hi Leanne, thank you for sharing your views on this. I have to say I completely agree with you, way way back before when I thought that it’s better if I would also get work, be as independant as the men are and not let the man lead before me cause we are all equal etc…
Which we are. However I later realise that we are equal with our salvation in Christ but our roles towards that person that God has for us is much more different. As stated above(Eph. 5:25-32)we are made to work with each other here on earth like how the Trinity also works in unity; as the used example with how Christ loved the church which Christ had to work on, lead and sanctify while the church responds to that by glorifying Jesus Christ. Saying this, to me this means that the husband has a total different role than the wives. I had trouble accepting this as my dad pushed this on me and I felt I had no choice and he sounded more as a sexist without backing it up biblically.
But through my walk, God has and still is sanctifying me in this, that men are suppose to approach and lead you in relationships and we’re the responder and the helper. It doesn’t mean that the female role is just to wait for our husband to protect and provide for us, but it means that we always have to be available emotionally for our husband to encourage, nurture, care, support them and everything we say or do, must point and reflect God and what Jesus has done for us. And as the husbands role, he must love us like how Christ has loved the church and also lead us in a way that glorifies God.
It’s hard for both role as their both totally different but this doesnt mean that women can’t work, you’ll just have to seek what God calls you to do in this area of your life.
This are just my thoughts on this and my personal studies and I don’t know if there are some parts that’s maybe wrong, but I pray that God will use His Holy Spirit to convict me of that, but it’s also good if you pray to God and read the word about it and see what God tells you.
God bless
Perhaps “pursue” is the wrong word here. Words change in meaning over time, and the word pursue has a narrower scope than it used to. When i think of pursuit, i think of hunting, which usually ends badly for what ever is being pursued, e.g. an elk gets turned into a winter’s worth of stew meat. I’m sure the author doesn’t mean that men should hunt women down and drag them back to the cave. It also suggests a persistence that might be unwelcome. I’ve been pursued by guys who wanted to date me, and continued to pester me after I said no. I don’t think the author believes I should have responded positively to their unwelcome pursuit, simply because they were male and I was female.
“To seek” is perhaps a better word. If a man likes a woman, and wants to get to know her better he seeks her company, and tries to find more about her, asking mutual friends etc., If she likes him, she will respond.
The idea of FORCING gender roles on society really fits into the definition of Communism. American democracy in its TRUE form is all about freedom of expression/individual liberty (I.E.: men can change diapers, do the vacuuming, and wear skirts).
I agree.
ahem…wear skirts? are you kidding..? Kilts arent really skirts though. You must have had a jerk of a male in your life. In fact, I think we need to get back to certain dress with male and female. Communists were the ones who botched it really. the reason we have to get back to it, is because in this society, many tranvestite or transgender types are gaining ground. Since we’re supposed to be chrisian, we need to model a little for them since they are weak…BTW my dad changed my diaper and worked,,he helped my mom..gender roles in some cases can be ‘fluid’