[If you can't see the embedded video, you can watch it by clicking here. You can find more video clips like this on the Girls Gone Wise DVD.]

It’s Your Turn

I’d love to hear from you. Leave a reply and tell me. . .  Have you ever seen (or been) a boy-crazy girl? What causes boy craziness? And how can girls get over it?

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3. Protecting Girls from Boy-Craziness

I’m working on writing a devotional for teen girls with my friend, Susan Hunt. It will be called, “Becoming God’s True Woman — while I still have a curfew,” and will be published by Moody publishers at the end of 2012.

The book will have 35 devotions for teen girls about how to become God’s True Woman. We also want to include quotes, comments, and letters from teens in the book. And that’s where you come in!

Can you help me by providing your comments and thoughts?  Since you’ll be out of school for the Christmas break, I hope you’ll have time to contribute.

I want your perspective on some topics that are relevant to teen girls . . . like what you think about guys, relationships, peer pressure, dating, the ways girls dress, and the messages popular culture gives you about what it means to be a woman.

This devotional will be used by tens of thousands of teens across North America. You can help me make a difference in their lives by taking a bit of time to record your thoughts.

Below, (and on the attached pdf), I outline some topics/questions that I’d like you to address. Don’t worry. There’s no right or wrong answers. . . I’m just looking for opinions. Anything goes!!!

Your comments can be as short or as long as you want them to be—from a sentence, to a paragraph, to a whole letter—and you only need to address the topics that you want (although I hope you tackle them all!!!)

You can email or facebook message your answers to me by December 30, 2011 at DearMary@girlsgonewise.com

I’ll sort them, edit them a bit, and pick which ones will be best to use in the book. Your comments will be published with your first name and age only (e.g. “Brenda, age 15”). Or, if you don’t want me to use your name, just make a note of that, and I can print your comment with a pseudo name. Thanks so much for your help, girls! I really appreciate it!!

Please give me your opinions on the following topics. You could answer the questions listed under each topic, write a paragraph sharing your thoughts on the topic, or just give your opinion about what Christian girls should do to be wise in each particular area:

1. Popular Media

a. In what ways are girls influenced by popular media?

b. What are some harmful messages that media sends to young women?

c. How can Christian girls be wise about their media intake?

2. Appearance

a. Why do girls want to look “hot” and “sexy”?

b. What comes to mind when you hear the word “modesty”? What does it mean to be modest?

c. How have you struggled with appearance?

d. What would you tell a friend who struggles with her body image?

3. Femininity

a. Do most girls have a positive or negative view of femininity? Why?

b. In what way does culture encourage women to be loud, demanding, and in control? What other types of attitudes does it encourage in women?

c. How does today’s image of the ideal woman differ from God’s ideal?

d. What are some fears a young woman might have about developing a “gentle” and “quiet” spirit? (1 Pet. 3:4)

4. Boy Crazy Girls

a. How strong is the trend of girls being the initiators and pursuers in guy-girl relationships? From a Christian perspective, why is this a negative trend?

b. What are some factors that might contribute to a girl being “boy crazy”?

c. How might a girl’s focus on getting/keeping a boyfriend distract her from what the Lord wants her to focus on?

d. How can a girl avoid getting caught up in boy craziness?

5. Sexuality

a. What kind of pressure is there on girls to become sexually active?

b. Does the church present a negative or positive view of sex? Explain.

c. What could the church do better in this area?

d. Explain what “sexual purity” means.

e. Why does God want us to reserve sex for marriage?

6. Gender Roles

a. What are some general differences you’ve noticed between girls and guys? (other than the obvious physical ones)

b. Why can a mom never replace a dad, and a dad never replace a mom? What do they uniquely contribute to the family?

c. The Bible teaches that a wife should submit to her husband as the church submits to Christ and a husband should love his wife as Christ loves the church—how does this idea of differing roles compare with the world’s model for relationships?

d. Why do you think God created the two sexes to fill different roles?

e. How do you feel about gender roles?

7. Boundaries

a. How do you feel about the boundaries and rules your parents have established for you? Why have they established these boundaries?

b. Can you think of any examples of girls getting into trouble because they didn’t have or didn’t obey a boundary?

c. What are some smart boundaries that would help a girl maintain pure and healthy relationships with guys? Why are boundaries important?

8. Top 3 Issues

a. What are the top 3 issues in guy-girl relationships that today’s young women face?

9. Glorifying God

a. The Bible tells us that God created male and female for His “glory.” What does it mean to “glorify God?”

b. How might a desire to live for God’s glory impact the decisions you make as a young woman?

Do you have any other thoughts about womanhood or guy-girl relationships you’d like to share? Or a testimony about how He is making you into a wise woman?

Make sure you include your name, your age, an email contact address, and whether you want me to use your first name or a pseudo name.

Email your comments/answers to DearMary@girlsgonewise.com before December 30, 2011.

Thank you. Thank you! Thank you!!! I appreciate your help!

Affectionately,

Mary

 Download this letter on pdf

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“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” – Exodus 20:12

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” – Ephesians 6:1

The idea of disobeying our parents has not been far from the mind of every girl in every part of the world at some moment in her life. If we are truly honest with ourselves, obeying our parents can be an active struggle, a mundane, pointless task, and even be the last thing we want to do. So why was Miley Cyrus’ plea not to listen to our parents such an outrage? What’s the big deal? Is it really that important to obey our parents?

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right.”

I still recite this verse with a sing-song tone rolling my eyes at the memories it brings to my mind. Now that I am an adult child who at younger times “pushed the boundaries” my parents set, I see the biblical precedence and the reason behind it. As a growing child, it is important to obey your parents. But when we get older and move from childhood to womanhood, do we stillhave to obey? As a grown woman, at what point can I stop listening to my parents? Is there a difference between honoring & obeying?

YES. There is.

Defining Obedience

Obedience carries with it the idea of absolute submission resulting from absolute trust. Webster defines obey as meaning “to conform or comply with; to follow the commands or guidance of.” It has with it implications of completely falling under the authority and jurisdiction of another person so that this individual is now responsible for you and the things that you do. In Scripture, it is most often used in reference to a child learning something from a parent (Prov.1:8; 23:22; Col. 3:20; Eph. 6:1; Lev. 19:3, 32), or Israel learning something from Yahweh.

Defining Honor

Honoring, on the other hand, means “showing esteem and respect to a person of superior standing; evidence or symbol of distinction.” In Hebrew, it also means “to weigh” or “to make heavy.” In other words, when placing the opinion of your parents on a balancing scale opposite the opinion of your friends, your parent’s opinion is going to weigh more because you honor them.

In Scripture, honor is linked to humility (Proverbs 15:33, 18:12; 22:4; 29:23), kindness(Proverbs 21:21), and grace (Proverbs 11:16). In the New Testament, a person of honor was given the best seat in the house (Mark 12:39). Deuteronomy 5:16 shows how honoring our parents brings longevity and prosperity to our lives.

No longer little girls, we have become women who are not under the direct authority of our parents any longer. We give account for our own actions now. Yet there is still a biblical mandate to honor our parents as adults. With humility, kindness and grace, we esteem our parents as people of superior standing, taking their advice and counsel heavier than others.

“But what if my parents are crazy?” I had a friend ask me this not too long ago, and for viable reasons. Her parents can seem a little to the left of certifiable. But honoring them doesn’t change simply because their mental health fluctuates. There is still a biblical call to honor them (Exodus 20:12) with kindness, humility, and grace. When looking to honor a parent who may not be emotionally stable, always approach them with respect for they are still your parent.  Whatever tangible way you show it, your admiration for them should be apparent.

“But what if my parents are lost?” This can be difficult when parents are less than godly or unsaved altogether, because it requires leaning more heavily on the Holy Spirit’s empowerment to fulfill that task. But in that situation, keep in mind you are not responsible for their actions, you are only responsible for your reactions. Don’t get angry and lash out, in doing so you dishonor the status that God has given them in your life. Instead, speak with kindness to your aging parents. Show them grace – even when what they say offends. Humbly ask the Lord for His help. In doing so, you honor the work they did as parents in raising you.

So, why do you think God puts so much stress on honoring and obeying our parents? Is it just so all the chores get done in a home and peace can be cultivated? Or is there a bigger picture, an over-arching factor in play?

Obeying and honoring our parents develops a habit of obedience and a respect for authority in our lives; characteristics that are greatly lacking in our society as a whole.

It is vastly important to learn obedience as a child. I remember growing up, my father would tell me that if I could learn to obey him, I would learn to obey God. This made obedience more serious than chores or homework; it made it about my life and the choices I would make while I lived it. Put it this way: if, as young children we find it easy to say “no” to our parents, as adults, it will be no struggle to say “no” to God. And in doing so, we are missing out on the best He has to offer us; we, also, are welcoming his wrath and judgment into our lives.

God relates to us in terms of the family unit.

It is not by accident that God calls Himself Father and Christ his Son. It was the plan and purpose of God from creation (Gen 2:24) to establish the family unit. It is through the lens of family that God chooses to reveal his character to us. As a Father, He protects, He guides, He chastens, He provides, He nurtures, He admonishes, and He loves unconditionally. We are forever His daughters, joint-heirs with His Son. Understanding our role as children in our earthly family enables us to better understand our role in our heavenly family.

Honor & Obey. As adult children, there is a dividing line on what God expects us to do. As grown women no longer under our parent’s authority, we don’t necessarily have to do everything they tell us. We do, however, always, always have to honor them.

“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” – Exodus 20:12

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But shouldn’t we have standards? Where do we find the balance between being as picky as Tyra and dating every bad breath that asks us out? What’s the difference between having ideals and having standards?

Ideals put God in a box and you above God.

When what his favorite TV show is or what his height is affects what type of guy you’re willing to date, you’ve successfully derailed what God could potentially do in your life and placed Him in a box. The God of the universe, who created you (Psalm 139:13), who intimately knows everything about you (Psalm 139:1-3), who knows something as inconsequential as how many hairs are on your head (Matthew 10:29-31), knows what’s best for you, His daughter.

But ideals fashioned after movie characters, Jane Austen novels, or even someone great like a father, can tie the hands of God in your life and block out a truly great dating relationship. There are character traits that you may not even realize you need; character traits that God in His divine knowledge knows about and has orchestrated. Ideals can stunt this, because they cause us to cross off any guy that comes around, simply because he’s not the “ideal.”  When you have certain criteria set in stone for your future husband, you’ve assumed the position of God’s authority in your life.

Standards keep you anchored to the Word, trusting in the Lord, and in a state of prayer.

One of the biggest differences between ideals and standards is focus. While your ideals keep you locked on celebrity news and focused on so much of the outward appearances, your standards can keep you fastened to and guided by God’s Word.

The Bible is your source of evaluation. Characteristics describing a godly man taken from Scripture create the questions to ask about the guy you are dating, or even thinking about dating. There is a huge element of trusting God that comes into play when a woman is ready to burn The List. We must remember that God knows us better than we know ourselves (Psalm 139:1-4). He’s looking out for our best interests (Romans 8:28-29).

Ideals are often things we hide behind in an effort to protect ourselves.

Some of us may cringe at this, because it’s exactly why we have these ridiculous ideals…they serve as a shield behind which to hide. For some of you, that 70 foot wall around your heart you call “standards” is your crutch, your safeguard, your first line of defense. But what you don’t realize is that you are isolating yourself, not protecting yourself. And you’re potentially missing out on what God wants to do for you.

Standards allow safety in the dating scene.

Having biblically-based standards in dating is your best option for protecting your heart from devastation.

Because much of the journey is based on prayer, guidance of the Holy Spirit, and wisdom from Scripture you can have confidence that as God is leading you into the relationship, He’s also safeguarding your heart. Even if you don’t end up as husband and wife, there can be some amazing lessons learned from dating biblically.

So where do you go from here? Am I suggesting that you date the next guy that asks you out? No. But a balance needs to be found. How do we formulate these standards if we can’t base them off of Chris Pine and his dreamy eyes?

             1. Keep it simple.

Standards should not be long and exhaustive; instead keep it short. Keeping your standards short does a few things for you. First, it leaves room for growth in both of your lives. Secondly, keeping it short allows you to memorize your standards, and memorized standards allow you to think clearly when Dreamy McDreamerson gives you that wink.

             2. Keep it biblical.

Having a portion of Scripture that coincides with each standard not only legitimizes the importance of that standard, but also anchors it to the very thing that should be guiding your life. Keeping your standards biblically-based allows you to evaluate him by basing them on something tangible and not your emotions.

             3. Keep it in prayer.

The power of prayer is of utmost importance when it comes to navigating through the labyrinth of dating. It’s essential in developing your standards, as well as in keeping them. Since dating eventually leads to marriage, it leads to one of the biggest decisions of your life. It should take priority in your prayer life.

Valentine’s Day is here, and unless you plan on developing a time warp that can shuttle you into the world of Pemberley, I very much doubt you’ll be dating the ideal Mr. Darcy. You could, however, be dating biblically and dating someone who fits godly standards.

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I’m a Christmas movie addict! Of all the holiday films ranging from tear-jearkers to downright cheesy, A Christmas Story is one of those classics that’s still funny year after year. Poor little Ralphie spends the entire time pining for a Red Ryder BB gun only to be given bright pink bunny pajamas…it never gets old.

We may not be trying on any homemade rabbit suits, but many of us have been given a gift that we didn’t exactly write down on our wish lists when we were little. Unlike the gift we’d been asking for, anticipating and maybe even assuming we’d get someday, this is one gift that we probably weren’t planning on getting – and it’s non-returnable! But just like getting a pink bunny suit for Christmas, this gift can leave you feeling disappointed, awkward, and like everyone’s staring at you!

Recognizing the Gift

If you, like me, are somewhere between hearing, “Congratulations, Class of 2003” in the past and “You may kiss the bride” in the future, God says that you’ve been given the gift singleness. Whatever your season and whatever your future, if you’re an unmarried believer God intends for your singleness to be so much more than just waiting for life to start. As Elisabeth Elliot said, “Having now spent more than forty-one years single, I have learned that it is indeed a gift. Not one I would choose. … But we do not choose gifts, remember? We are given them by a divine Giver who knows the end from the beginning, and wants above all else to give us the gift of Himself.”

But how can we even truly serve Him if we’re still stuck on the part where we can’t choose the gift?  When we look at our unmarried life and ask, “For how long?” we’re probably asking the wrong question. The real question in light of God’s sovereignty is “For what purpose?” As Jackie Kindall answers in her book Lady in Waiting, “Rather than resent your many single hours, embrace them as a gift from God – a package that contains opportunities to serve Him that are limited only by your own self-pity and lack of obedience.”

Accepting the Gift

The Apostle Paul understood how the single life was not only valuable, but also a freedom to pursue the things of God with an energy that can’t be given within the married life. “Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him…I want you to be free from anxieties.…the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit…and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.” (1 Cor. 7:17, 32-35)

Paul says that the single woman is freer from anxiety and distractions and can give undivided devotion to Christ (who, by the way, is the only Man that will ever be able to fulfill those deep longings in your heart!).  God intends for this season of your life to be one of incredible freedom. But notice that, unlike our Sex in the City culture, greater freedom doesn’t mean greater independence. We’re not freer so that we can have more “me-time,” or spend more weekends casually dating men we have no intention of marrying. Instead we are free to live out a more purposeful dedication to serving our God. We are free to redeem the time as “slaves of Christ.” (1 Cor. 7:22)

So my single sister, here’s something to ask yourself: Are there opportunities for meaningful ministry and time-investing service that God has placed on your heart, but that you are neglecting and putting off out of the fear of a) venturing them alone or b) prolonging the time before your married…or c) being so wrapped up in snagging a man that you’re too miserable to do anything of value for Christ?  If so, then isn’t the real fear that God is less than good, trustworthy, loving, and for you? (Ps. 56:9, 84:11, Eph. 2:1-10)

Living the Gift

If you’re single, it’s your gift! “Until when,” you may wonder? Until God is more glorified in making you more like Christ as a married woman than as single woman. In his book Redeeming Singleness, Barry Danylak offers this perspective on the single life: “Like Christian marriage, Christian singleness lived in its fullest expression is a powerful testimony to the gospel…(It) is a testimony to the supreme sufficiency of Christ for all things.” In our unmarried lives, you and I are declaring the worth and completeness of our Savior in a way that we couldn’t if we were married.

Before you ask the Lord to give you a return receipt for your gift of singleness, remember that the God who wrote down all of your days before any of them came to be has determined that – for today – His best life for you involves staying single for this season (Psalm 139). Author Nancy DeMoss, who is not unfamiliar with the ache of loneliness throughout her single life, offers this advice. “Don’t try and figure out how you are going to live a lifetime as a single. Focus on receiving it today, just today. Receive it today.”

Will you quit waiting for your life to start and receive your gift with joy?

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