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It’s Your Turn

I’d love to hear from you. Leave a reply and tell me. . .  Have you ever seen (or been) a boy-crazy girl? What causes boy craziness? And how can girls get over it?

Related posts:

1. Book Blog: Happily Ever After
2. Book Blog Intro: A Tale of a Girl Gone Wild
3. Protecting Girls from Boy-Craziness

But shouldn’t we have standards? Where do we find the balance between being as picky as Tyra and dating every bad breath that asks us out? What’s the difference between having ideals and having standards?

Ideals put God in a box and you above God.

When what his favorite TV show is or what his height is affects what type of guy you’re willing to date, you’ve successfully derailed what God could potentially do in your life and placed Him in a box. The God of the universe, who created you (Psalm 139:13), who intimately knows everything about you (Psalm 139:1-3), who knows something as inconsequential as how many hairs are on your head (Matthew 10:29-31), knows what’s best for you, His daughter.

But ideals fashioned after movie characters, Jane Austen novels, or even someone great like a father, can tie the hands of God in your life and block out a truly great dating relationship. There are character traits that you may not even realize you need; character traits that God in His divine knowledge knows about and has orchestrated. Ideals can stunt this, because they cause us to cross off any guy that comes around, simply because he’s not the “ideal.”  When you have certain criteria set in stone for your future husband, you’ve assumed the position of God’s authority in your life.

Standards keep you anchored to the Word, trusting in the Lord, and in a state of prayer.

One of the biggest differences between ideals and standards is focus. While your ideals keep you locked on celebrity news and focused on so much of the outward appearances, your standards can keep you fastened to and guided by God’s Word.

The Bible is your source of evaluation. Characteristics describing a godly man taken from Scripture create the questions to ask about the guy you are dating, or even thinking about dating. There is a huge element of trusting God that comes into play when a woman is ready to burn The List. We must remember that God knows us better than we know ourselves (Psalm 139:1-4). He’s looking out for our best interests (Romans 8:28-29).

Ideals are often things we hide behind in an effort to protect ourselves.

Some of us may cringe at this, because it’s exactly why we have these ridiculous ideals…they serve as a shield behind which to hide. For some of you, that 70 foot wall around your heart you call “standards” is your crutch, your safeguard, your first line of defense. But what you don’t realize is that you are isolating yourself, not protecting yourself. And you’re potentially missing out on what God wants to do for you.

Standards allow safety in the dating scene.

Having biblically-based standards in dating is your best option for protecting your heart from devastation.

Because much of the journey is based on prayer, guidance of the Holy Spirit, and wisdom from Scripture you can have confidence that as God is leading you into the relationship, He’s also safeguarding your heart. Even if you don’t end up as husband and wife, there can be some amazing lessons learned from dating biblically.

So where do you go from here? Am I suggesting that you date the next guy that asks you out? No. But a balance needs to be found. How do we formulate these standards if we can’t base them off of Chris Pine and his dreamy eyes?

             1. Keep it simple.

Standards should not be long and exhaustive; instead keep it short. Keeping your standards short does a few things for you. First, it leaves room for growth in both of your lives. Secondly, keeping it short allows you to memorize your standards, and memorized standards allow you to think clearly when Dreamy McDreamerson gives you that wink.

             2. Keep it biblical.

Having a portion of Scripture that coincides with each standard not only legitimizes the importance of that standard, but also anchors it to the very thing that should be guiding your life. Keeping your standards biblically-based allows you to evaluate him by basing them on something tangible and not your emotions.

             3. Keep it in prayer.

The power of prayer is of utmost importance when it comes to navigating through the labyrinth of dating. It’s essential in developing your standards, as well as in keeping them. Since dating eventually leads to marriage, it leads to one of the biggest decisions of your life. It should take priority in your prayer life.

Valentine’s Day is here, and unless you plan on developing a time warp that can shuttle you into the world of Pemberley, I very much doubt you’ll be dating the ideal Mr. Darcy. You could, however, be dating biblically and dating someone who fits godly standards.

No related posts.

I’m a Christmas movie addict! Of all the holiday films ranging from tear-jearkers to downright cheesy, A Christmas Story is one of those classics that’s still funny year after year. Poor little Ralphie spends the entire time pining for a Red Ryder BB gun only to be given bright pink bunny pajamas…it never gets old.

We may not be trying on any homemade rabbit suits, but many of us have been given a gift that we didn’t exactly write down on our wish lists when we were little. Unlike the gift we’d been asking for, anticipating and maybe even assuming we’d get someday, this is one gift that we probably weren’t planning on getting – and it’s non-returnable! But just like getting a pink bunny suit for Christmas, this gift can leave you feeling disappointed, awkward, and like everyone’s staring at you!

Recognizing the Gift

If you, like me, are somewhere between hearing, “Congratulations, Class of 2003” in the past and “You may kiss the bride” in the future, God says that you’ve been given the gift singleness. Whatever your season and whatever your future, if you’re an unmarried believer God intends for your singleness to be so much more than just waiting for life to start. As Elisabeth Elliot said, “Having now spent more than forty-one years single, I have learned that it is indeed a gift. Not one I would choose. … But we do not choose gifts, remember? We are given them by a divine Giver who knows the end from the beginning, and wants above all else to give us the gift of Himself.”

But how can we even truly serve Him if we’re still stuck on the part where we can’t choose the gift?  When we look at our unmarried life and ask, “For how long?” we’re probably asking the wrong question. The real question in light of God’s sovereignty is “For what purpose?” As Jackie Kindall answers in her book Lady in Waiting, “Rather than resent your many single hours, embrace them as a gift from God – a package that contains opportunities to serve Him that are limited only by your own self-pity and lack of obedience.”

Accepting the Gift

The Apostle Paul understood how the single life was not only valuable, but also a freedom to pursue the things of God with an energy that can’t be given within the married life. “Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him…I want you to be free from anxieties.…the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit…and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.” (1 Cor. 7:17, 32-35)

Paul says that the single woman is freer from anxiety and distractions and can give undivided devotion to Christ (who, by the way, is the only Man that will ever be able to fulfill those deep longings in your heart!).  God intends for this season of your life to be one of incredible freedom. But notice that, unlike our Sex in the City culture, greater freedom doesn’t mean greater independence. We’re not freer so that we can have more “me-time,” or spend more weekends casually dating men we have no intention of marrying. Instead we are free to live out a more purposeful dedication to serving our God. We are free to redeem the time as “slaves of Christ.” (1 Cor. 7:22)

So my single sister, here’s something to ask yourself: Are there opportunities for meaningful ministry and time-investing service that God has placed on your heart, but that you are neglecting and putting off out of the fear of a) venturing them alone or b) prolonging the time before your married…or c) being so wrapped up in snagging a man that you’re too miserable to do anything of value for Christ?  If so, then isn’t the real fear that God is less than good, trustworthy, loving, and for you? (Ps. 56:9, 84:11, Eph. 2:1-10)

Living the Gift

If you’re single, it’s your gift! “Until when,” you may wonder? Until God is more glorified in making you more like Christ as a married woman than as single woman. In his book Redeeming Singleness, Barry Danylak offers this perspective on the single life: “Like Christian marriage, Christian singleness lived in its fullest expression is a powerful testimony to the gospel…(It) is a testimony to the supreme sufficiency of Christ for all things.” In our unmarried lives, you and I are declaring the worth and completeness of our Savior in a way that we couldn’t if we were married.

Before you ask the Lord to give you a return receipt for your gift of singleness, remember that the God who wrote down all of your days before any of them came to be has determined that – for today – His best life for you involves staying single for this season (Psalm 139). Author Nancy DeMoss, who is not unfamiliar with the ache of loneliness throughout her single life, offers this advice. “Don’t try and figure out how you are going to live a lifetime as a single. Focus on receiving it today, just today. Receive it today.”

Will you quit waiting for your life to start and receive your gift with joy?

Related posts:

1. Living a Poured Out Life
2. Sexy enough to keep him waiting?
3. Calling All the Single Ladies!

by Sarah Bubar

Status: Single

That’s what my Facebook profile says. Like a large banner stamped across my homepage: I. Am. Single. The holidays are just around the corner with February soon following. It’s the time of the year when even shopping heightens my awareness to the fact that I am single. Now, the end of the year approaches and still brings with it an idea that something is missing from my life.

But is it?

The Lord has done His work in my life in this area and true heart-contentment has finally settled my heart, but even still, I find there are twinges of dissatisfaction that tell me I’m still without. When those feelings arise, I must remember what the Lord taught me. There are 4 myths in regards to singleness that, even in my 30’s, I’m still having to adjust in my heart.

MYTH #1: I’ll be happy if I’m married because I won’t be alone anymore. I used to think that marriage would be the cure-all for the loneliness blues. The life of the Samaritan woman in John 4 taught me that marriage does not equal happiness. This woman had been married five times already and she wasn’t any closer to happiness than she was before. This temporary happiness was why she again found herself in another senseless relationship. Then she met Jesus, a man who cared for her, not just for what she could do for him. How often have we dated someone or been in a relationship with someone solely based on how it made us feel? But the truth is that our fulfillment and true happiness comes through our relationship with Christ. Just like the Samaritan woman I will never be truly happy with my life, no matter the status, unless I am happy in my relationship with Christ.

MYTH #2: I’ll feel complete if I’m married. I’ll have accomplished something with my life. Can women accomplish something great in life single? What about Ruth? She is the model of the Proverbs 31 woman, and yet the crux of her written story covers the time in her life when she wasn’t married. Consider “modern day” single women like Amy Carmichael, Lottie Moon, Sophie Muller, Carolyn McCulley, and Nancy Leigh De Moss. When God calls a woman to do something, He equips her to do His calling, regardless of her marital status. The truth is that completeness is found only in Christ! Ephesians 1 tells us that God has blessed me with every spiritual blessing in Christ (vs. 3). Even before Creation, He chose me to be holy and blameless and He lavishes me with grace (vs. 4, 8).

MYTH #3: It must be God’s will for me to get married because I want it so badly. I believed this one for years! I kept praying and praying, expecting God to take that desire for marriage away. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that the Lord really hit me over the head with this truth: In light of eternity, it doesn’t matter if I enter Heaven married or single. The only thing that will matter is what I’ve done for Christ! Scripture contains scores of verses talking about God’s will. In almost every circumstance (Rom. 12:2; Eph. 6:6; 1 Thess. 4:3, 5:18; 1 Peter 2:15, 4:2) God’s will is about my character not my marital status; God is more concerned about who I should be than who I should be with.

MYTH #4: If I never get married, it must be a punishment of some kind. I’ve lost count the number of times I’ve confessed sins to God in hopes that my singleness wasn’t a punishment for them. I’ve questioned God’s love for me because He wouldn’t give me what I wanted. I have seen the root of jealousy grow within my deceived heart because God was fulfilling the dreams of friends around me while I stood there – single! Like a child throwing a tantrum, I have watched myself clutching onto relationships that God was weeding from my life. But the truth is, if you delight yourself in the Lord, your desires will change – or at least be put in perspective! Psalm 37:4’s promise to “Delight yourself in the sight of the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” can often be misused. It’s not a magical equation for getting what we want. But it is the key to being truly fulfilled as I find my satisfaction in God and in my relationship with Him. As I delight myself in Him, my desires change to God’s desires and what He wants for my life.

If you are like me, these truths are going to be something that you need to work through, to process. It’s not just going to happen overnight. And just when you think you’ve got it, February will show up on your calendar. Don’t be discouraged. I know the process; but I also know the peace. Allow God to lead you through both.

Related posts:

1. Single & Fully Feminine
2. Living With a Hope Deferred – Part 2
3. Surplus of Singles

A few years ago I read Carolyn McCulley’s book Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye and thoroughly enjoyed it and was convicted by it. God used that book powerfully in my life and heart. These are my thoughts as I have continued to reflect on Proverbs 31.12 “She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” The past few weeks these have been in the forefront of my mind and I hope to spell out very practical, yet biblical ideas that we as women can pursue while we are in a period of waiting (no matter how long we wait). I never thought I would be inching close to 34 and still be single. My Mom always thought I would be married before she was (at 27). Well, God has some great big plans that so far has not included a wedding ring for me. But – He has allowed me to follow Him through some amazing things: mission trips, seeing the world, 3 moves to three states, incredible ministry with college students, working at two great seminaries, speaking to women all over the Southeast, and now working at an amazing church in my favorite area in the country. God is incredibly gracious to me. So…are you ready?

1. Idleness.

I put this first because I think it is the one I struggle with the most. Yes, I multitask (as most women are pretty good at this), but do I multitask at what I should be multitasking? I can watch TV, wash the dishes, and read my Google Feeds at the same time – but is there something I could be doing in that time that would be more constructive. A former boss of mine said that often we do the easy things first just because we are putting off doing the hard things.
Many women in my life epitomize a lack of idleness. I watch them and find it hard to believe that have any energy at all? I want to “work with willing hands”, “rise while it is yet night”, “she looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.” (Prov 31.13, 15, 27).
Idleness is defined as not occupied, lacking worth or basis. Is this how you want your life to be defined? I am not saying you need to be out of the home 6 nights a week to not be idle. Actually, almost the opposite would be true. As single women we have such a great opportunity and time to open our home to others and participate in ministry. Let’s take advantage of that!

2. Integrity.

“The heart of her husband trusts in her.” (Prov 31.11). Well, Kim, I’m not married. This is why we are practicing these things now. The wedding band is not a magical circle that once it slips on your ring finger it makes you all of these things mentioned in Prov 31. Integrity is Psalm 101.2 says, “I will walk with integrity of heart within my house.” Are you a person of your word? Do you keep your commitments? Can people trust you? Are you the same woman in your bedroom as you are when you are at work or at church? Do you model a life of integrity to non-believers?

3. Faithfulness.

Prov 31.12: “She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” ALL THE DAYS OF HER LIFE. Not just once we get married or find that special guy. ALL THE DAYS OF HER LIFE. This is key to this verse. We need to intent on living now. We need to watch our relationships with men who are not our husbands, every word and act and deed and touch be seen in light of “this man is my brother in Christ”. This is probably the part of my heart that I struggle with the most in relationships: trust in men. How will I keep one man satisfied for the rest of my life? Will my husband fail me? You know, the only thing I can do about that is be obedient to my loving heavenly Father, be faithful to what He has called me, and not put my final hope and trust in Man. Psalm 20.7, “Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.” This practicing of faithfulness, starts now. In the little things. In the big things. In every thing.

4. Trust.

We can live a life of trust now. Many women I know in marriage worry. Worry if their husband will cheat on her. Worry if they will have kids, or how many kids, or whether their kids will turn out ok, whether her husband will lose her job or not, worry…worry…worry. Scripture definitely tells us not worry. But, if we live a life of worry now – how will that change when we get married? We will probably carry those very traits into our marriage. Matthew 6 gives us clear instruction in this area: “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

5. Modesty.

Wow – this one is a big one. We often think that men will like us better if we show more skin? Hmmm….let me think through this. Two guys in my life have spoken this to me in the past ten years: “Kim, I’m so glad I don’t have to worry about what you wear. Thank you for protecting me.” “Kim, I know guys who don’t attend ____________ in the summer at church because the women don’t know how to dress and they don’t want to go there and struggle with lust, so they just do not go.” This last one breaks my heart. That women don’t care enough about their brothers in Christ to wear modest clothing. Lord – may we seek your heart on this matter, not legalism. Legalism and hem lines will never win this battle. Our heart must seek you in everything we wear. 1 Timothy says “women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control.”

6. Excellent.

Do you do things haphazardly? Or do you live your life with a strive toward excellence? This goes in everything? Meals. Clothing. Cleaning. Homemaking. Work. Relationships. Ministry. Play. Prov 31.29 “Many women have done excellently but you surpass them all”. This life is not a competition, but we want to show excellence in our work, ministry, and heart for the glory of the gospel of Christ.

7. Wisdom.

“Prov 31.26: She opens her mouth with wisdom.” Man. I want this to be evidenced in my life. And nothing of wisdom comes out of this sinful mouth. All wisdom that departs these lips and from this heart are only by the grace of God and clearly rooted in Scripture. If people ask for my opinion, I TRY to offer Words of LIFE not Kim’s opinions. I purposefully attempt to take folks back to Scripture and help them to see the Words that are crucial to us living a life glorifying of the One who died for us.

8. Giving.

Prov 31.20: “She opens her hands to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.” This doesn’t have to mean giving money or food to the poor/homeless who stand on the street corner of seemingly most intersections these days. This may mean serving with a ministry in your city or church that helps the poor or needy. This may mean taking a dinner to a family who has been struggling, whether physically or emotionally. There is no end to what you can do to practice this verse while you are still single – and then hopefully carry those practices with you into marriage.

9. Handy.

Prov 31.19, 22: “She put her hands to the distaff and her hands hold the spindle. She makes bed coverings for herself.” I started a sewing project yesterday. And why – to practice this verse. Laugh. But, I want to give it a try. And, no – you don’t have to be able to sew to obey this verse. But, why not? As a friend said to me the other day, this verse may mean you clipping coupons and going to Bed Bath & Beyond when their comforters are on sale.

10. Kindness.

Prov 31.26: “The teaching of kindness if on her tongue.” I want this to be said of me. That means, that I need the Lord to mold this in me, to burn this word in me and my actions. I am not there yet. The sanctifying work of the Spirit must keep working. Are you kind? Are you affectionate and loving? This doe not always come easy for me. I really need to enter into every conversation or social setting praying these things: Lord, how can I impart your love and grace to people who I encounter right now? How I can show this in my when people enter and stay? Daily. This is a daily, hourly process.

11. Self-Control.

1 Timothy mentions this. Clearly a mark of a woman who loves the Lord. Whether it is in our spending habits (how much debt have we accrued in our singleness), in our showiness of clothes or possessions, or how much we weigh, how much time we spend watching television or other useless activities. All these have a base in self-control. I’ve struggled with all of these. God is gracious. He turns me back to Himself to see where I have made a god out of these instead of having Him be LORD of everything in my life. Are you one of those women who think I need to get everything, eat everything, live how I want to live now because once I get married I won’t be able to do that? Or, no one is seeing me naked now so what does it matter what I look like or how much flab is on me? God is your creator and made you for HIMSELF. He loves us. That should motivate us to live a life worthy of Him out of a heart full of grace. So…what needs to change in your life in this area? Do you need to cut up credit cards. Personally – I can’t have one because I don’t deal well with that temptation. Do you need to lose weight? I do and have purposefully been working on it for 3 years. It is daily. Do you need to have someone hold you accountable for any of these areas? Find a godly woman in your church or area that will invest in your life and pour Scripture and healing words over these concerns. Live for God’s glory in this.

12. Fruitful.

“Prov 31.30: Give her the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.” To all of this we say “not to me, but to Jesus.” Have you seen fruit come from your singleness? I think back to many years ago when I was in a relationship that was heading toward marriage. I’m so grateful God saw otherwise. I would never have been able to teach college girls for 3 years, I would never have moved to Louisville to work for a great seminary and organization, I would never have traveled around the world to love on missionaries and see the hopelessness in Muslims who don’t know Him, and I would never have had the opportunity I have now in my current job. God is so gracious. I have seen fruit. But, not for my glory – but all for HIS. Are you wasting your time in your singleness or are you investing it for the kingdom?

13. Fears the Lord.

“Prov 31.25, 30: Strength and dignity are her clothing and she laughs at the time to come. Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” If all of these (1-12) were accomplished in our lives and we skipped 13 – our lives would be in vain. No amount of good works or obedience will get us anywhere. I watched Les Miserables last night. At the end, the Inspector says “I’ve tried to live my life without breaking any law.” Such sadness is in this statement, such emptiness. Our lives are not measured by good deeds. My life is measured by a Cross. My life is meaningful because of the gospel. I can obey out of the response of past grace in light of future grace. He has taught me much about trusting in Him and His timing the past almost 4 years now. He is good. He is gracious. He is enough.

As you continue to live our your life (whether single or married) may you do so with purpose and obedience and grace and hope. We don’t obey so we may be blessed – we obey because we have grace and have been offered hope and love at the cost of His Son. May our lives reflect this love and grace and gospel so the Word of God may not be reviled. (Titus 2.5)

Related posts:

1. Curse of the Good Girl