“Sixty years . . .,” my mom exclaimed, turning to my dad and giving him an affectionate hug, “Imagine that! You’ve put up with me for 60 years!”

Laughing, she turned to my sons and advised them, “If you’re going to be married for 60 years, you have to learn to put up with a few things!”

She’s right. The Bible calls it forbearance. And it’s an ingredient that’s sadly lacking in a lot of marriages. Forbearance is an old-fashioned kind of word.  It means toleration, gentleness, leniency, patience, or refraining from the enforcement of a right or obligation that is due. Related words are courtesy, clemency, mercy, indulgence, restraint, and temperance. Forbearance is the opposite of being judgmental, vindictive, and paying back tit-for-tat.  The literal meaning of forbearance is “holding back.” In classical Greek, it is used of a truce of arms.

Forbearance means that when my husband does or says something that I don’t particularly like, I don’t snip back at him. Instead, I cut him some slack, give him grace, and overlook the behavior.  I am kind and courteous towards him, even when he is being grumpy. Forbearance means having a soft spirit and a soft tongue. The Bible teaches that this will get us a whole lot further than impatience. It says, “By forbearance a ruler may be persuaded, And a soft tongue breaks the bone.” (Proverbs 25:15 NASB95)

In Titus 3:2, Paul instructs us to speak evil of no one, avoid quarreling, be gentle, and show perfect courtesy (forbearance) toward all people.  Have you ever noticed that women can have a wheel-barrel-full of “softness” and courtesy towards outsiders, but when it comes to interacting with their husbands, forbearance is a trait they sadly lack?

So there you have it girls – sage wisdom from my Mama’s 60 years of marriage experience: To make your marriage work, “Learn to put up with a few things!” Learn how forbear. Learn how to respond with a soft spirit and a soft tongue.

© Mary A. Kassian

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I lost it big time. Before I had time to consider my actions, I’d flipped my plate into the air and felt like I was watching it soar toward my husband in slow-mo. I immediately wanted to take it back, but it was beyond too late. Just about the time the meatloaf cleared Bob’s left shoulder and the mashed potatoes landed with a thump on the table, I burst into tears. Lexi just sat staring at me with her eyes wide as saucers. Robby, a middle schooler, was trying to  hold back a smirk. I’d surely just scarred my children for life. I ran to my bedroom.

Had actually just thrown a plate of meatloaf and mashed potatoes at my husband?

Now, in my defense, this happened many years ago. (Not “many” as in-”I was too young to know better” or “Like ten years ago.” But still, I can say with integrity that “many” is not a stretch. It didn’t happen last week!)

What happened next is the stuff that years of counseling, couple mentoring, and marriage seminars is made of-and Bob and I have had it all! My husband calmly followed me to our bedroom. He pulled my hands from my eyes and he looked into them with a playful smile.

“Honey, we have two choices,” he said. “We can stay here and hide and make this a horrible memory for our kids or we can go down there and turn it into one of the most hilarious moments ever. I’m game for number two. What do you think?”

Through my tears, I followed him as he took me downstairs by the hand. He sat me quietly at my spot. Lexi was still wide-eyed and Robby was still smirking. I quietly apologized. Then, my husband began a comedy routine that to this day I say deserves a date on Letterman. He was at his best when I was at my worst.

“Do you want another plate of mashed potatoes and meat loaf?” asked Lexi through her laughter. “I’ll get it for you if you just don’t throw it at me!”

Most married couples fight. (Most women don’t usually throw meatloaf when they fight, I admit!) Not fighting isn’t always evidence of a good marriage. Silence can separate you much faster than any fair fight. Learning to fight fair and showing your children that you can survive and apologize is healthy. Here are three of Bob and Dannah Gresh’s Fighting Fair Family Rules!

1.) Don’t bring up difficult issues late at night. We never fight fair after 9pm. So, we just don’t fight then. We save it for daylight when we are apt to respond better to each other.

2.) Never argue in the bedroom (especially in bed.) Reserve this part of your home for passion and tenderness as well as just private laughter or intimate silence.

3.) When one person is out of control; the other person must give them room and stay in control. This rule came in pretty hand for me the day I threw my first (and only) meatloaf spiral. For the record, I’ve returned that favor to my heroic husband!

Just to be on the safe side, I’ve added one to my own personal list. “Never throw meatloaf spirals!”

© Dannah Gresh

“…do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil… And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger (indignation) and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Eph. 4:26-27, 30-32 (ESV)

Paul knew that in order to properly manage their lives and relationships, the believers in Ephesus needed to recognize a few things about anger. To begin, he wanted them to recognize that like joy or disappointment, anger is a normal human emotion. All of us get angry. And the emotion is not sinful in and of itself. Second, Paul wanted his friends to recognize that the emotion is often accompanied by sin. Sin sticks to anger like Velcro. That’s why he advised his friends to beware of the accompanying evils of

• bitterness (feelings of animosity, hatred and gall);
• wrath (rashly exploding or bursting);
• indignation (self-righteously handing out judgment and punishment);
• clamor (harshly crying out and demanding);
• slander (speaking negatively and hurtfully); and
• malice (harboring ill will and the desire to injure).

Paul’s first two points were discussed in Part 1 of this article. (Read Part One by clicking here)

Recognize that anger can rot

A third fact that Paul wanted his friends to recognize is that unaddressed anger could rot their inner spirits. He warned them not to go to sleep until they had faced, evaluated, and dealt with the issues surrounding this powerful emotion.

I am reminded of the set of garden doors in my kitchen. A few weeks ago, in preparation for new flooring, we pulled back the lino in the kitchen. To our surprise and dismay, we discovered that the entire threshold and floor beneath had rotted away. Over the years, the caulking had come loose, and water had seeped in through a tiny crack beneath the door frame. If we would have sealed the crack, the damage would have been prevented, and we would have saved ourselves a costly repair bill.

It’s the same way with anger. When we feel angry, we have a choice to make. We can quickly evaluate our attitudes and actions and deal with our sin, or we can ignore it – and run the risk of greater and more extensive damage. Paul advised his friends to resolve issues on the same day that they felt anger. In this way, they would prevent the emotion from hiding under the surface and rotting their hearts and relationships from the inside out.

Recognize that anger provides the devil opportunity

Anger provides opportunity for the devil. The Greek word for opportunity (topos) refers to a marked-off space, room, or occasion for acting. Every season my husband, Brent, who is chaplain for a professional football team, receives a stadium parking pass. The pass gives him the right to bypass all the security and park his car on the ramp directly outside the stadium. Without it, he would have no access and no right to park there. Refusing to deal swiftly with anger is like giving the devil a parking pass for your stadium. It gives the devil opportunity that he would normally not have. It gives him room to wreak havoc in your life.

Recognize that unholy anger grieves God

In conclusion, Paul argues that when we respond to people who hurt or irritate us with anger rather than with tenderheartedness and forgiveness, we grieve the Spirit of God. His point is that our behavior towards those who deserve our anger ought to mirror God’s behavior towards us. Though we are sinners and deserve God’s fierce anger, he is tenderhearted, forgiving and gracious. When we lash out in anger we demonstrate a blatant disregard for the gift we have received from him. It’s like the parable of the King who excused the massive debt of a servant – but then heard that the servant, in turn, had refused to forgive the very small debt of a friend.

Paul advised his friends to remember the kindness of God and when responding to those who angered them. “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

So Don’t Get Your Dander up!

When you’ve got your dander up, you are in an angry state of mind. But where does this expression come from? Several early American writers, including the legendary Davy Crockett, used the phrase. It appears to be linked to an 18^th century word meaning “ferment.” Yeast was added to cane syrup and left for a period of time. The resulting sour ferment, called “dunder,” was used to make rum. The word has also been associated with the Scottish “danders,” which means hot embers; the Dutch word for thunder – “donder”– and the Romany “dander,” meaning “to bite.” The phrase certainly incorporates all of these meanings. In the heat of anger, we often thunder and bite… and the emotion can easily ferment and sour our relationships.

The Bible warns us about the dangers of anger. It says, “A man of wrath stirs up strife, and one given to anger causes much transgression.” (Proverbs 29:22). Anger often leads to sinful attitudes and behavior. It can destroy relationships. That’s why we ought to be careful and not get our dander up.

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Bringing the Word to Life

How Well Do you Manage Anger? Take this short test:

1. Do you seek to resolve your anger promptly – before the “sun goes down on your wrath”?

[] never []seldom []occasionally []frequently [] always

2. Do you give the devil opportunity by letting your anger remain unresolved?

[] never []seldom []occasionally []frequently [] always

3. Do you grieve God by failing to respond to those who anger you with tenderheartedness and forgiveness?

[] never []seldom []occasionally []frequently [] always

Take a moment right now to repent and to ask the Lord to help you deal with anger in a positive way. Ask God to help you respond to those who irritate and/or hurt you with the same tenderheartedness and forgiveness that you have received from your Heavenly Father.