by Dannah Gresh

A few weeks ago, a colleague in the Christian publishing and speaking world suddenly needed an audience with me and my team…and fast. You see, over the weekend his eight-year-old daughter had a sleepover with a nine-year-old friend. When his fourteen-year-old got on the Internet after they’d used it, she found herself seeing images no girl (or woman, for that matter) should ever see. His heart was broken by the fact that both of his little girls had been forced to look at images that rip the innocence right out of girlhood.

It should not surprise you that this happened. It happens in most houses everyday. The fourth most-searched word on the Internet for kids ages 7 and under in 2009 was “porn.” For all kids up to age 18, sex was No. 4, porn No. 5. (According to data collected by OnlineFamily.Norton.com.) This supports some research I saw a few years ago out of Britain, stating that the average age of the first inception of pornography has dropped from around twelve or thirteen to age seven or eight. Are you sure your kids haven’t seen any?

Proverbs 22:6 says you and I are to “train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” I believe that command includes training them the way they should not go. And, that means providing roadblocks to one of today’s most insidious vices: pornography. Here are a few things to do in your own home:

• Place computers in public rooms. Avoid bedrooms or dens where doors can be closed.
• Install Internet filters or accountability software. In our home, we use both SafeEyes and Covenant Eyes. Both have web addresses by their names and can be easily explored.
• Join any social mediums—such as Facebook, MySpace or Twitter—where your children belong and know their passwords. They should know that you are able to help monitor their friends and incoming images.
• Ask your children outright if they have sent or received “sext” messages. About fifteen percent or more of teens have received one, and are just waiting for you to help them talk about it.
• Collect cell phones at night to re-charge them. And to let your kids re-charge without them!

Of course, these measures must be just one part of an open dialogue about sexual purity. You can’t just hide your kids from the world, but you can train them to safe guard themselves from harmful material within it.

There’s an old Sunday School song that warned children to be careful about what they looked at: “Oh be careful little eyes what you see. Oh be careful little eyes what you see… There’s a Father up above who is looking down in love, Oh be careful little eyes what you see.”

It’s a point well taken. These days, little eyes–and big eyes too–need to be extra careful about what they see.

© Dannah Gresh

You don’t have to just trust me or your own instinct on the matter. The American Psychological Association (APA) task force on the sexualization of little girls links skimpy clothes to sexual activity.
Moms, we need to do more than just complain about it and tell our daughter’s “no.” After all, we have boys to protect, too. We need to do everything we can to get as many girls as possible to dress tastefully! One year ago this I month, I introduced the Bod Squad Petition to raise awareness of the need for retailers to provide age-appropriate clothing for girls.

My goal wasn’t just to ask them to change what they sell. It was (and is) to get moms to be more careful about what they buy. Since October 1, 2008, over 13,000 have joined. Now, the petition is going to a new level with national news and media support, with which it can gain the attention of the industry it hopes to shape. The Bod Squad’s request will be for the Council of Fashion Designers of America to read the findings of the APA report, and to tell the fashion industry that mothers want to purchase age-appropriate clothing for their girls and would like the fashion industry to evaluate the clothing they design and the messages they send to our daughters through advertising.

We don’t want to ban anything. We will stay positive. We are consumers who just want to express our concerns. In fact, this month we’ll be sending a positive message by initiating a national Shop ‘Til You Drop Event on October 23 & 24 to thank retailers who consistently provide age-appropriate and modest clothing for little girls up to age twelve.

To view the Bod Squad petition go to: www.secretkeepergirl.com where you can also download a copy of the APA Task Forces study on the sexualization of girls and learn more about our Shop Til You Drop event!

© Dannah Gresh

“Mom, what did I just say?” she challenges. Usually, I have to admit that I don’t know!

I know I’m not alone. At my teen girl events, I often ask attendees what they most want to change in their moms. Nearly every time a freckle-faced, braces-laden beauty raises her hand and says,  ”Like, she sometimes isn’t very focused when she talks to me.  If she could, like, not wash the dishes or totally stop taking out the trash when I’m talking and, like, well, really, totally look me in the eyes and, like, listen!”

Right about then I start feeling like, really totally guilty.

God’s word commands you and I teach our children the things of God “when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and why you lie down and when you rise up.” (Deuteronomy 6:7) Do you see how much time is spent…and required to woe them into the things of God. We’ve got to be engaged. The world of social science calls the wonderful ability to be fully engaged in your child’s life “connectedness.” I constantly need reminded about how vital it is to connect or I find that the busyness takes over. Do you ever find yourself needing the oxymoronic motivation to slow down? Check this out.

Our children are growing up in a world that offers more temptation than we knew as teens. One of the greatest factors to reducing teen high-risk behaviors is parent-child connectedness. (Now that motivates me to slow down!) The Medical Institute for Sexual Health recognizes parent-child connectedness as the highest risk reducer to teen sex. The Journal of American Medical Association published a study by Michael Resnick, Ph.D. and his colleagues which found that teens who felt loved and connected to their parents had significantly lower incidence of teenage pregnancy, drug use, violence, and suicide. No matter the age of your child, it’s vital to connect. Trying to connect to them once they are teens is a great challenge if the habit isn’t already established.

What’s Your Connection  IQ?

Want a little wake up call to see how you’re doing in the connection department. Sometimes, it’s the simplest things that encourage us that we’re doing well or remind us to slow down and try harder. Take this Connection IQ test to see how you’re doing.

• What is your child’s favorite food?
• What book have they read recently and really enjoyed?
• Who is your child’s best friend?
• Who does your child look up to and really admire?
• Who makes them feel inferior at school?
• What subject makes them passionate at school?
• What is their greatest goal for this year?
• What’s your child’s favorite Bible verse?
• What is your child’s spiritual gift?
• What’s the coolest thing God has said to your child lately?

If you were able to answer all of them or most of them, you’re Connection IQ is right on. If you got half of them,  you’re doing OK, but need to maybe focus on just some more in-depth conversations. If you got four or less, it’s definitely time to study your child to increase your test results!

© Dannah Gresh

The best way to fight back is parent-child connectedness-spending time with her! You can educate her, send her to Bible study, take her to church and even sit her in front of a counselor but none of those things can come close to the power of mother/daughter connectedness. (By-the-way, I do this with my 19 year old son, too!) I believe so firmly in using creative investments of time to overcome the clamor of our culture. As I write this, I’m headed out for an afternoon of shopping and Chinese food with my girls. Here’s the key: I have every intention of using our shopping time as fun girl time, but I’ll also sneak in ways to pass on my values. Here’s a little of what’s on my mind.

A Shopping Challenge

Peer pressure has power. Social studies tell us that to really get your daughter saying “no” to skimpy clothes, you need her friends to join her. So, I’ll have a few other friends on this trip. They are in their twenties and understand true beauty and modesty, having fought their battles with eating disorders and won. This is how our shopping trip will work and how you can us it, too:

1. Present some creative guidelines for what you consider tasteful and age-appropriate. Forgot hard-fast rules like “your shorts have to come to your finger tips!” Make this fun.  You might make one up called “I see London, I see France…Can you see my Under-pants?” To take this test, have your daughter sit with her legs crossed in front of mirror when she tries on a skirt. If it’s too short, the answer will be “yes!” (For ideas, check out my Secret Keeper Girl’s creative Truth or Bare Fashion tests at www.secretkeepergirl.com.
2. Give each girl a specific amount of money and a specific amount of time, then release them to shop ‘til they drop. You might try $50 in fifty minutes or $20 in twenty minutes. The time factor makes it suspenseful and fun. Here’s the real challenge: each girl has to purchase something that passes all of your fashion tests!
3. Hit the ice cream shop to debrief. Make sure you end this creative date with a group conversation about both how much fun you had and how much you all learned. Use these Girl Gab questions to guide your conversations!

Girl Gab Time: Ask the girls if it was ever hard to find clothes that weren’t too short, too tight or too low-cut? Ask them if they’ve ever noticed other girls wearing clothes that reveal too much and what that makes them think about? How does it make them feel? Talk about what gives them the most value…cool clothes and the way they look OR internal beauty, such as, kindness, peacefulness, friendliness and love. Let them know that you know their value lies on the inside and that’s why you won’t let the culture define them by how they dress and look!

© Dannah Gresh

Perhaps just as serious, 45% of teens say they’ve received a sexually suggestive text message.
Two of the girls I’ve been mentoring recently have been involved. One, a home-schooled Christian girl, sent a topless photo of herself. I was devastated for her. The aftermath has been horrific. The other, a pastor’s daughter, was graphically asked to have sex with a guy. He was sure to include: “And, I know your dad is the pastor, but this is none of his business.” I can’t probably convince you of this, but both of these girls—on the surface—are exceptional examples of Christian young women. I share their stories to convince you that sexting is affecting our church kids right and left.

How can you know if your child is part of this disturbing trend? Here a dose of rocket science: ask them! Vicki Courtney, my good friend and best-selling teen author, says that parents should ask their kids point blank if they’ve ever seen or sent sext messages. Many students want help navigating this all-too-common teen challenge. They just need you to bring up the subject. Just asking questions will help your teen feel comfortable to open up with you about what they are feeling pressured to do. If they open up and confess to something, be full of grace and talk through what they need to help them avoid this ever happening again. If they don’t open up and you suspect something by their odd reaction, check their cell phone immediately, before they have a chance to erase anything.

What if they have sent or received a message?

“Try not to sound accusatory,” says Vicki. “Many students are caught off guard when they receive one. First, make sure they understand the possible consequences. Help them understand how …[it]…is considered possession of pornography involving an underage minor, even if the picture is from a friend or someone they personally know.”

Vicki recently posted an alarming video entitled “Required viewing for every cell-phone-toting teen.” The video tells the story of a young girl whose “sexting” led to her suicide. This is nothing to mess with and your teen should know that!

Second, help them by providing creative and appropriate consequences. If they have received texts, contact your cell service provider and change their service to exclude the texting feature. If they themselves have been sending “sext” messages, let me suggest something very loving…TAKE THEIR PHONE! Let them earn your trust and get it back when they have.

What if they have NOT seen or sent such a message?

Keep the dialogue open concerning this and other social technology trends. In my own home, our kids know that we monitor everything from their texting to their Facebook pages, and that we’ll remove privileges if we feel they are at risk of making bad choices.

As for texting, my girls are only allowed to text their dad and me until they are seniors in high school. Seem extreme? Consider this: how meaningful and helpful to good human communication is a text message actually? I mean, really! I know this: it’s really bad for their grammar. My girls can call their friends all they want, but texting is vetoed until they have better decision making and interpersonal communication skills. (And they are both fantastic little women. It’s not like they’re rebellious, nor weird or backward. Just safe, thanks to mom and dad.) It hasn’t killed them. My son is a thriving freshman at Penn State University in the honors program. (Can you tell I’m proud?) He uses text messages often to communicate with his friends, but he’s past the curiosity phase that I believe is so risky. Is he at risk? Sure, but I trust his judgment far more than I did when he was fifteen.

Here’s the bottom line. Discuss it with your kids. Establish guidelines. And don’t be afraid to be a parent, not their friend!

© Dannah Gresh