Simmons argues that The Curse of the Good Girl “erects a psychological glass ceiling that begins its destructive sprawl in girlhood and extends across the female life span, stunting the growth of skills and habits essential to becoming a strong woman.” According to Simmons, “Being Good is a fundamentally self-limiting experience.”

Simmons, a Rhodes Scholar, founding director of the Girls’ Leadership Institute, and a consultant to schools and organizations around the world, wants young women to consider how being a Good Girl limits them, and how being a Bad girl would empower them. Simmons believes that “Bad Girls”—those who are outspoken, proud, and rebellious rule-breakers, and commanding attention—have qualities that are, in fact, very good.

“The decision to be Bad is equally a sign of courage, the willingness to resist convention and be who you want to be. Bad Girls take up space with their bodies and voices; they are immodest, tough and proud. They don’t care what other people think.” According to Simmons, having girls embrace their inner “Badness” is the key to overcoming the “poisonous” impact of the pressure on girls to be “Good.” “Real girls” know that there is no right or wrong way. They reject good and bad stereotypes and pick and choose for themselves the ways in which they want to be good and bad.

“Good” and “Bad” drain girls of their authenticity by telling them who and how to be. . .A Real Girl has both Good and Bad in her and available to her. She chooses who she wants to be, and her internal architecture is by her own design.”

Simmons claims that for women, “Equality is the freedom to create a life of her own design.” In order to break the Curse of the Good Girl “we must give every girl the tools and permission to be herself, whoever that is. . .” Some of the “tools” she suggests are the ability to identify one’s own thoughts and feelings, and the communication skills to make those thoughts and feelings known.

Simmons concludes that, “When girls can no longer agree upon the answer to the question, ’Who is a Good Girl?’ we will know they are free to be themselves.” Her aim is to educate girls to get beyond an external definition of “Good” and “Bad,” dictate their own standards, have the authenticity to be who they truly are, and the power to claim what they want to be.

For me, reading this book was aggravating. Simmons advanced some very good ideas about equipping young girls to be aware of their thoughts and feelings and to communicate them in an authentic, open way. Teaching young women communication skills is something that I definitely advocate. But her categorization of what constitutes “good” and “bad” and her insistence that girls cannot rely on an external standard to know “good” and “bad” were maddening.

Simmons underlying claim that being good is a “fundamentally self-limiting experience,” that girls should choose to be “bad,” that women will only be self-actualized and powerful when the dichotomy of good and bad are overcome, and that women have the authority to choose and create their own measure of right and wrong, were merely an updated take on 1970’s feminist drivel.

As I was reading, the Lord’s warning about mixing up right and wrong constantly came to mind: “Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter! Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes, and shrewd in their own sight!” Isaiah 5:20-21 (ESV)

If we really want to help the next generation of girls, we’ll expose the falsehood behind Simmons’ message. We’ll teach them that there is an external standard of right and wrong to which they ought to align their lives—God’s standard. And that being bad is bad, and being good is good.

Satan tempted Eve to embrace a version of selfhood that he said would increase her power and potential. He convinced her to rely on her own compass for knowing good from bad, right from wrong. He convinced her that she had the right to determine who she was, and what her womanhood was all about. Women ever since have a sin tendency to succumb to the same sin. Simmons is wrong. It’s not “The Curse of the Good Girl” that diminishes woman. It’s the Curse of Sin that tempts us to ignore God and try to decide for ourselves what is bad, and what is good.

© Mary A. Kassian

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Arrghh…. how frustrating!!!!!!!!! It seems that nowadays, anyone who has a doctrinal conviction is pooh-poohed and written off in this way. Especially if one’s conviction goes against the tide of popular opinion. Far too many people consider the pursuit of sound theology the mark of a person who is argumentative and proud. That’s why I loved…. absolutely LOVED… reading Tim Challies’ book, The Discipline of Spiritual Discernment.

Challies argues that “spiritual discernment is absolutely crucial to the one who would understand and heed the gospel. Nothing less than the gospel is at stake… By practicing spiritual discernment we guard the gospel, the message of eternal life.” Discernment itself is rooted in the understanding that there is good and bad, that there are God’s ways and other ways.

Challies defines discernment as the skill of understanding and applying God’s Word with the purpose of separating truth from error and right from wrong. According to Challies, “When we practice discernment,we are applying the truths of the Bible to our lives. We are attempting to understand the words of the Bible and trusting God’s Word to give clarity so we might see things as God sees them. Our goal in discernment is to do just this: to see things through God’s eyes through the Bible and thus to see things as they really are. Like wiping the steam from a mirror, we seek to remove what is opaque so we might see with God-given clarity.”

Challies believes that the “gray” situations we encounter in life are gray “only because we have not done enough work to clarify them or because our own sinful desires have interfered and have interposed themselves between black and white.” We must determine whether something is good or evil, right or wrong, based on the objective, unmoving standard of the Bible rather than on our subjective, constantly shifting feelings and preferences.

Challies argues that we MUST judge doctrine and behavior by the objective standards of right and wrong that are given to us in Scripture. We MUST be discerning to understand and apply God’s Word with the purpose of separating truth from error and right from wrong. What we may not do, though, is judge a person’s heart and motives.

Challies’ call to discernment flies directly in the face of the “Whatever you believe and do is OK” mentality that is crippling the Church. Doctrine is important. Theology is important. Those who are bored or disinterested with doctrine and theology are bored and disinterested with God himself.

We need to be discerning because Satan constantly seeks to lead us away from truth, to deceive us, by offering us a counterfeit version of truth. Satan offers something that resembles the truth but is actually error. He is crafty and subtle, offering something that seems so close yet is still so far away. “Did God really say?” were this words to Eve, and they are the words he continues to use today. That’s why discernment is absolutely essential.

Discernment is a skill that must be sharpened with long years of practice. Hebrews 5:14…tells us that discernment comes to those who ‘by constant practice [work] to distinguish good from evil.’

To lack discernment is to sin against God.

Are you discerning? Do you carefully study Scripture and work at distinguishing good from evil, right from wrong? The Discipline of Spiritual Discernment encourages believers to embrace and treasure discernment, for there are few things that are as important, or as precious. The Bible cries for you to seek after it so you can live, so you can grow, and so you can mature in your faith.

I highly, highly recommend this book for all who would stand against the tide and answer the call.

© Mary A. Kassian

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By Leslie Ludy (Multnomah Books, 2007)

Reading “Authentic Beauty: The Shaping of a Set-Apart Young Woman” by Leslie Ludy, reminded me of my all-time favorite C.S. Lewis quote:

“If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased!”

Why does Ludy’s book remind me of this quote? Because it’s like it sends the girl in the slums glossy postcards with pictures of a white sandy beach and teal waters, and invites her to come.

I must admit that I was expecting far less. I find most books on purity, modesty and biblical womanhood frightfully dreary. Not because they get the “what to do or not do” answer wrong, but because they fail to capture the heart with the beauty of the “why.”

In other words, a girl is warned that it’s not a good idea to play in the mud in the slums or get filth under her nails. (Which is undoubtedly true.) But what is missing from the admonition is a better, more attractive option. An alternate vision for something that will bring her more joy and satisfaction than the mud pies the other girls are playing with.

What today’s young women need is a vision of womanhood that is irresistible – One that is so real, so true, so pure, so lovely, and so promising, that their hearts are captivated. Only then will they have the resolve to reject our culture’s cheap, sitcom-sewer Sex & the City ideal.

Ludy encourages teens to dress modestly, to guard their purity, to be careful about what they see and do, to refrain from giving their hearts or bodies away too soon…. Stuff that you’d expect in a book for young women. But where the book really shines is the “why.”

“Why?”…. is not to protect against promiscuity, sexual disease, abuse, heartache, or even to give the girl a chance of finding a better guy or having a better marriage (though all of these are benefits). The compelling reason is that the romance her heart truly desires – the one to which all earthly hopes , yearnings and longings point – is the romance she can experience with her true prince, Jesus. The lover and redeemer of her soul. Ludy says,

So many of us, though we claim to know Jesus Christ, are still longing for our deepest desire to be fulfilled by someone else. We frantically seek the man of our dreams, giving ourselves completely to one relationship after the next, hoping that when we finally find the right guy our romantic fantasies will become reality.

“Jesus Christ is your true Prince,” I often say to young women, “the One who gave His very life just to be with you, the One who can resue you from the dungeon you are in, the One who can transform you into a radiant princess, the One who can carry you away to His beautiful land to cherish your forever. He is the only One who can meet your deepest longings; He is the only One worthy of your entire heart, life, soul, and body – all you are and all you have. Jesus Christ is the Prince you should passionately pursue with all your heart.”

In a culture that mocks our longing for tender romance, in a world where fairy tales never seem to come true – do young women dare hope for more? For every young woman asking that question, this book is an invitation to begin a never-ending love story with the Prince of her dreams. According to Ludy, Authentic Beauty is living a life fully set- apart for Him.

© Mary A. Kassian

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by Patrice Opplinger (Jefferson, NC: McFarland & Company, 2008)

“Instead of advancing women’s social and professional empowerment, popular culture appears to be backsliding into the blatant sexual exploitation of women and girls at younger and younger ages.” That’s the conclusion of Patrice Opplinger, assistant professor of mass communications at Boston University. In “Girls Gone Skank,” Opplinger investigates the effects of mass marketed sexual images and cultural trends on the attitudes of young girls and describes the ways in which girls are increasingly taught to go to outrageous lengths in seeking male attention. She researches cultural trends in fashion, sexuality, pornography, strippers, plastic surgery, beauty pageants, sexual behavior, and in the mass entertainment industry of music, print, radio, television, film and internet.

Opplinger’s research is extensive. It’s jaw-dropping to read her book and see the extent to which girls are being sexualized. I had to put the book down several times while reading because the information was so disturbing. And the nagging questions I kept murmuring under my breath were: “OK, lady… (1) Why do you think this happened? and (2) What do you suggest we do about it?” Though Opplinger’s research was stellar, I felt that her answers to these two important questions were woefully inadequate.

Opplinger approaches the sexualization of girls from a feminist perspective. She implies (but with not much conviction) that the current trends of female behavior are expressions of self-exploitation, and not self-empowerment, as other feminists have suggested. I found her analysis to be bizarre, to say the least, for it was so at odds with itself. On the one hand, she blames men for oppressing women. On the other hand, she concedes that women are to blame. They are volitionally self-exploitive.  On the one hand, Opplinger upholds the feminist mantra that women have the right to make whatever choice they want with regards to their behavior – “Women should be allowed to set their own boundaries.” (If they want to be prostitutes, let them be prostitutes!)- but then on the other hand, she suggests that the choices that women are making with regards to their sexuality are somehow wrong.

So how would Opplinger answer my two nagging questions? I had to wait to the seventeenth and concluding chapter to find out. For the “Why did this happen” one, she suggests that the problem is that “young women and girls appear to have a distorted sense of equality, that to be equal they must emulate males’ worst attributes.”  She also suggested that they are simply naive:  “”Young women are simply unaware of the extent to which women are exploited, either by themselves or by others.”

For the “What do we do” she suggests that further feminist education is the answer: “I believe education and an honest assessment of the culture is the answer… If we are afraid to teach girls about their sexuality, they will learn it from very unhealthy sources, which are abundant in popular culture.”

So, there you have it. According to Opplinger, the past 50 years of feminist education haven’t been enough. The feminist perspective on equality that society has adopted needs to be re-visited and re-vamped. Young girls need a new feminist perspective on equality and sexuality. The problem will only be solved with MORE feminist education.

Umm… call me naive Ms. Opplinger, but I fail to see how more feminism will solve the problem. Yes, the 1960’s feminist movement did identify some very valid problems. But the solutions it proposed have exacerbated rather than relieved them. The problems with the sexualization and exploitation of girls and women are far worse now then they were then. Throwing feminism at the problem was like throwing gasoline on the fire. It’s exploded in our faces and burned us badly. Feminism has failed women miserably.

“Girls Gone Skank” is great at documenting and identifying the enormity of the current crisis. I just hope that people realize that in order to improve the dignity and well-being of women, the philosophy of feminism just doesn’t cut it… We need to look to an entirely different sort of answer.

Copyright 2009, Mary Kassian

Popular culture teaches that sex is a normal part of any dating relationship. The message is that men will not date you, love you, or marry you, unless you have sex with them. Sex is heralded as the harbinger to emotional intimacy and deeper commitment. But does this Sex & the City dating philosophy really work? Does sex lead to deeper, more committed relationships? Dawn Eden, a 31-year old unmarried rock journalist in New York City thinks not. In her book, The Thrill of the Chaste, she explains why she pitched her Sex & the City lifestyle for the thrill of chastity.

Dawn was a columnist for Salon, Billboard, and Mojo, and she is now the deputy news editor at the New York Daily News. In The Thrill of the Chaste, Dawn bares her soul to show by personal experience that Sex & the City feminism doesn’t work. She argues that this philosophy numbs and fragments the souls of women, and actually pulls them further away from the commitment and emotional intimacy they so desire.

Women would like to believe that after having sex in numerous dating relationships, they (like their Sex & the City movie heroines), will end up happily married. But unfortunately, the statistics don’t bear that out. The chance of a woman having a stable marriage actually decreases with each sexual partner.  Dawn came to realize that having premarital sex actually made her less likely to get married. She notes:

There must be a reason why people, in the face of loneliness and isolation, are willing to forgo easy pleasures in hope of better ones. For me, it’s because I became convinced that having premarital sex – contrary to what our culture claims – actually made me less likely to gain a husband. Moreover, I realized that my readiness to engage in physical intimacy altered me emotionally to the point that I was not equipped to sustain a marriage.

Throughout the book, Dawn is candid about her sexual history and the effect it has had on her life. This is the book’s greatest strength, and ironically enough, also its biggest limitation. Dawn notes that it was her conversion to Christianity/Catholicism that caused her to examine her dating habits and brought her to her senses. Although she is open about her faith, it’s her personal experience with the Sex & the City lifestyle that gives her words the greatest credibility. This book chronicles her personal journey toward chastity. So if you’re looking for substantive Bible teaching on the topic, or are already convinced about the merits of chastity, this isn’t really the book for you. On the other hand, since she doesn’t delve into the Bible very much and doesn’t talk about “Catholic” theology,  it’s a book that Evangelicals could find useful in some circumstances.

I was thinking that it would be a great book to give my friend, “Kate”. Kate is an old friend from high school that’s burned through a series of relationships and marriages. Last time I talked to her, Kate was concurrently dating and sleeping with three separate men. I think the book might hold up a mirror and put words to the feelings of emptiness and disillusionment she undoubtedly feels. And maybe it would be a catalyst for her to stop  jumping into bed with every male prospect long enough to examine her relationship with God. Because in the end, the thrill of the chaste isn’t in chastity itself, nor is it in a lasting, successful marriage … it’s in the relationship it allows us to experience with Jesus, the lover and redeemer of our souls.