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Book Blog 17: Sweet Talkin’ Woman

Mary Kassian — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 06:38:35 +0000

She was a sweet-talkin’ woman. She knew how to turn on the charm, butter him up, and get him to do her bidding. The way a woman uses words is another point of contrast between a wild and a wise woman. In this book blog, you’ll find out that using sweet talk is a strategy that sours relationships. If you want to enjoy life and see good days, you’ll mind your mouth and exchange your wild speech habits for those of a Girl-Gone-Wise.

Read the seventeenth point of contrast between a Wild and a Wise Thing (Pages 217-225)
Download and complete the Chapter Questions for Personal Reflection
Download and complete the Conversation Peace Quiz
Post your comments on the Blog

What’s the difference between a legitimate compliment and flattery?

What’s the problem with talking excessively?

How can using words to beguile, control and manipulate a man backfire on a woman?

In which main area does your speech need improvement?

Wise vs. Wild Contrast #17: Speech

Mary Kassian — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 17:44:53 +0000

Speech

Her Speech Habits

Girl-Gone-Wild: Excessive, Duplicitous, Manipulative
Girl-Gone-Wise: Restrained, Sincere, Without Guile

Girl-Gone-Wild: “With much seductive speech she persuades him; with her smooth talk she compels him.” Proverbs 7:21

Girl-Gone-Wise: “She keeps her tongue from evil and her lips from speaking guile.” 1 Peter 3:10*

Â The Sage warns his son several times about smooth-talking women. He wants to preserve him from the “smooth tongue of the adulteress”-from the woman whose speech is “smoother than oil.” (Proverbs 6:24; 5:3)

Smooth talk is conversation that sounds sweet, pleasant, and affirming but is actually slippery, deceitful, and hypocritical. It’s dishonest and insincere. It uses flattery, praise, adulation, and gentle pressure to manipulate a person into giving what the talker wants to get.Â People love to be praised and held in high esteem. They like compliments. They enjoying hearing good things said about themselves. They feel good when people stroke their egos. As a famous French author once said, “A man finds no sweeter voice in all the world than that which chants his praise.”

People are much more inclined to respond favorably to those who make them feel good about themselves. A smooth-talker takes advantage of this basic fact of human nature. Women are particularly good at sweet-talk.

We’ve all heard the old saying, “flattery will get you nowhere.” But the truth is, flattery works, and works remarkably well. Call it what you will-apple-polishing, boot-licking, back-scratching, soft-soaping, currying favor, toadying, candy-talking, buttering-up, kissing-up, managing up, or a host ofÂ other more crass termsÂ -smooth talk can and often does pay off. In the hands of someone who knows how to use it, it can be a dangerous manipulative weapon.

Just think of the salesperson who offers a prospective customer profuse compliments on how good an expensive outfit makes her look. Or the subordinate who ingratiates herself to her boss to obtain a promotion or raise. Or villains like Grima Wormtongue in Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings, or Iago in Shakespeare’s Othello who flatter, deceive, and manipulate their superiors. Or the woman who uses sweet talk and flattery to charm, ensnare, and control a man.Â Â Â Â

Last week, my son expressed his disgust at the behavior of a girl in his class who was in the habit of apple-polishing the professor. What bothered him most was that everyone in the class could see through her scheme. Everyone, that is, except the professor. He seemed enamored and delighted by all her effusing. Smooth talk is often obvious to everyone except its target. Have you ever seen a man taken in by the smooth talk of a deceptive woman? Did you wonder how he could be so blind to what his family and friends could clearly see?

Flattery characteristically deceives. That’s exactly what it’s supposed to do. The apostle Paul maintained that those who resort to these tactics “do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.” (Romans 16:18) He and the other apostles were extremely cautious never to resort to flattery when they interacted with people. (1 Thessalonians 2:3-4) They did not want to resort to this deceptive tactic-even for a purpose as noble as furthering the gospel.

Smooth talk is deceptive talk. The Bible equates flattery with lying. (Psalm 12:2) Flattery is dishonest because it masks a hidden agenda. It lies about a person’s true intent. It glosses over the truth. AÂ smooth-talker doles out compliments and strokes a man’s ego for personal gain. She butters him up so she can “take”Â something from him. William Penn, the Quaker colonizer and founder of Pennsylvania, once said, “Avoid flatterers, for they are thieves in disguise.”A smooth-talking seductress “lies in wait like a robber.” (Proverbs 23:28)

The difference between a legitimate compliment and flattery is accuracy and motive.Â A legitimate compliment is not false, exaggerated, or motivated by self-interest. It’s simply intended to encourage and give credit where credit is due. Flattery is self-serving and insincere.Â “Sincere” implies an absence of deceit, pretense or hypocrisy, and an adherence to the simple, unembellished truth. It’s derived from the Latin “sine ceras,” which means without wax.

When artisans in ancient times made a clay pot, it would sometimes crack due to the heat. Dishonest tradesmen would disguise their inferior pots by covering the cracks and blemishes with bee’s wax before selling them. Picking out a good-quality clay pot wasn’t an easy task. On the outside, a patched-up pot would look perfect. A woman wouldn’t find out just how flawed it was until she tried using it. As soon as she poured in hot water, the wax would melt and the pot would begin leaking. Honest artisans began labeling their pottery with the words Sine Ceras, without wax. A woman who bought a Sine Ceras pot knew that the clay had no hidden faults. If there were any imperfections, the artist left them visible. To be sincere is to be genuine, honest, and authentic-without pretence or disguise.

The Girl-Gone-Wild subverts her words. She speaks with flattering lips and a double heart. She’s perfected the art of “sweet talking him into it,” and habitually uses this tact to get what she wants. The Girl-Gone-Wise does not resort to flattery. Like Lady Wisdom, she can say, “Hear, for I will speak noble things, and from my lips will come what is right, for my mouth will utter truth; wickedness is an abomination to my lips. ^ÂAll the words of my mouth are righteous; there is nothing twisted or crooked in them.” (Proverbs 8:6-8)

Â© Mary A. Kassian

This is a pre-publication excerpt from “Girls Gone Wise in a World gone Wild,” Â© Mary A. Kassian to be published by Moody Publishers in 2010. All rights reserved. You are welcome to link to this post, but please do not copy and/or reproduce this copyrighted material without express written permission of Moody Publishing.

Only What is Helpful for Building

Mary Kassian — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 07:01:21 +0000

His mother was not home, but the young boy wanted to draw, so he got out the bottles of ink himself. His sister agreed to pose for him. In his eagerness and excitement, the young artist made an inky mess of his hands, clothes, table and floor. Just as he was finishing his work, his mother returned, and for a moment, stood in the door and silently took the scene in. Then, instead of scolding him, she picked up the portrait and declared, “What a beautiful picture of your sister!” and kissed him. Later in life, the great artist Benjamin West recounted, “With that kiss I became a painter.”

It would have been so easy for that mother to focus on the mess her child had made. She could have scolded him for his incompetence in spilling ink, or his failure to cover the area with newspaper, or his impatience at not waiting for her assistance. But instead, she affirmed him. And with her encouragement, he gained the desire, confidence, and determination to become a great artist.

Our words can nourish others, and give them the desire, confidence, and determination to do great things. The Bible says:

“The tongue of the righteous is choice silver, but the heart of the wicked is of little value. The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgment” (Prov. 10:20-21).

Righteous lips speak words of nourishment. To nourish means, “to feed and cause to grow; to cherish, promote, encourage and support.” Encouragement tells the other person: “I value you. I want you to succeed. I am cheering for you. Keep going! You can do it!”

The Benefits of Encouragement

In the Bible, there are many examples of people who encouraged others. Moses encouraged Joshua (Deut. 3:28), Titus encouraged Paul (2 Cor. 7:4), Tychicus encouraged the believers at Ephesus and Colossi (Eph. 6:22; Col. 4:8), Judas and Silas encouraged the church in Jerusalem (Acts 15:32), Timothy encouraged the Thessalonians (1 Thess. 3:2). A man named Joseph was so good at encouraging that the apostles nicknamed him “Barnabas” which means “Son of Encouragement.” (Acts. 4:36)

Hebrews 3:13 admonishes us to “Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” Paul wanted believers to encourage each other every day. He viewed encouragement as being so important that he sent messengers great distances for the express purpose of encouraging the believers. Why is encouragement so important? What does encouragement do for people? According to the Bible:

It builds them up (1 Thess. 5:11)
It makes them feel loved, appreciated, and supported (Phm 7; 2 Cor. 7:13)
It strengthens them to do good deeds and speak good words (2 Thess. 2:16-17)
It helps them remain true to the Lord with all their hearts (Acts 11:23)
It lifts their heaviness and refreshes them (1 Thess. 3:2; Phm 7)
It gives them courage for the task before them (2 Chron 32:6-7)
It helps them overcome timidity and insecurity (1 Thess. 5:14)
It counters feelings of isolation and contributes to a spirit of unity (1 Thess. 3:6-10; Rom. 15:5)
It gives them joy and strength in the face of difficulty (2 Cor. 7:4, 7)
It enables them to be bold and confident (Phil. 1:14)
It helps them to remain true to their calling (Deut. 1:38)
It helps them retain perspective and to hope and trust in God (2 Chron. 32:6-7)

One word of encouragement can lift our burdens; turn our gloom into sunshine, and our weakness into strength. But so often, we fail to encourage each other. Have you ever felt like giving up because of a lack of encouragement? I have. The moment I most needed encouragement all I received was criticism. Instead of rejoicing in the picture I was trying so hard to paint, others merely pointed to the ink that I had spilled. And as a result, I felt like throwing away the canvas.

Encourage and Build Up

Encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up, according to their needs, so that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29

Before I got married, I memorized Ephesians 4:29 and decided to make it the “prime directive” in regards to how I spoke to my husband. Though I’ve often fallen short, this decision has served me well over the past 25 years. Focusing on the good, being my husband’s biggest fan, and aiming to build him up according to his needs is one the wisest, most productive things I’ve done for my marriage. It not only benefits him. It also benefits me.

A relationship is like an account with a bank balance. Each time you interact positively – speaking affirming, encouraging words – you make a deposit into that account. Each time you speak critically or negatively, you make a withdrawal. Is the balance in your account growing? Are you investing in the relationship or accumulating a debt and headed for foreclosure? Does your account have a large enough balance to cover the stress of unexpected events? When it comes to relationships, it’s best to invest. In doing so, we lay up the “treasures” of friendship and love that God intended for us.

Here’s today’s challenge for you:

Memorize Ephesians 4:29 and make it the prime directive for your speech.
Speak words of affirmation and encouragement. Make a deposit into your relationship account today. (And plan on making small deposits every day from now on too.)

AUTHOR NOTE: Mary Kassian is author of several Lifeway Bible Studies. She and her husband Brent have mastered the art of cheering after spending countless hours watching their sons play ice hockey and volleyball. The Kassian clan and their pets, Miss Kitty and black lab, General Beau, live in Western Canada. (Copyright Mary Kassian, 2008)

Gab, Blab and Gossip

Mary Kassian — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 07:01:33 +0000

I once saw an advertisement that enticed people to buy cell phones so they could engage in more “gab, blab, and gossip.” Are you a talker? Do you enjoy gabbing, blabbing, and gossiping? There’s nothing wrong with enjoying good conversation, but the Bible warns that excess speech is often accompanied by sin. “Where words are many, sin is not absent…” (Prov. 10:19, NIV)

The sin that those with the gift of gab need to guard against is the sin of tale-bearing. In the book of Leviticus – which was an extensive guide for the people of God on how to practically live out the Ten Commandments – Moses seemed to indicate that the command against bearing false witness encompassed more verbal sins than just lying. He gave the people strict instructions against tale-bearing: “You shall not go about as a talebearer among your people!”(Lev. 19:16, NKJV). Tale-bearing is a term that includes lying, gossiping, slandering, whispering, speaking ill, and in some cases, even seemingly innocent blabbing.

The Greek words associated with tale-bearing are “diabolos” (accusing), “blasphemeo” (defaming), and “katalalia” (speaking against). According to the Bible, tale-bearing speech is any speech that accuses or defames a person or casts them in a negative light. All tale-bearing is condemned, whether the tales are false (Mt. 5:11), true (Prov. 17:9), malicious (Ps. 31:13), or merely foolish (Prov. 10:18). Women, in particular, are warned to avoid bearing and listening to tales (Tit. 2:3; 1 Tim. 3:11).

Have you ever been the object of a tale-bearer’s slander? I have. And chances are you have too. Most of us have felt the sting that comes when we find out that others are talking behind our backs.

The Trouble with Tale-bearing

Tale-bearing can have absolutely devastating results. According to Proverbs, it injures like a club, sword, or sharp arrow (Prov. 25:18). It stirs up dissention (Prov. 10:12) and kindles strife (Prov. 26:21). It tarnishes reputations (Prov. 25:10). Worst of all, it separates close friends and fractures relationships (Prov. 17:9). That’s probably why, of all our failures in speech, tale-bearing is amongst the most appalling in God’s eyes (Prov. 6:19).

King David recognized the dangers of tale-bearing. So much so, that he didn’t want anyone with these types of tendencies working in his palace (Psa. 101:7). He knew that if people didn’t hesitate to bear tales about friends and family behind their backs, they certainly wouldn’t hesitate to be bear tales about David behind his back. That’s why he wouldn’t hire anyone who had a problem with his or her mouth. David refused to listen to gossipy, slanderous speech. He absolutely would not tolerate it. He said, “Whoever slanders his neighbor in secret, him will I put to silence…him will I not endure” (Psa. 101:5). And he had this warning for those who slandered others: “You speak continually against your brother and slander your own mother’s son…But I will rebuke you and accuse you to your face!” (Psa. 50:20-21).

Delicious Morsels

“The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels…”
Proverbs 26:22

David knew that listening to tale-bearing words was just as foolish as speaking them. But if we’re honest, I think most of us would admit that we enjoy hearing the latest juicy story or “prayer request” about an acquaintance or friend.

The Bible says that the words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels, and that listening to tales is like savoring a rare delicacy (Prov 18:8). To “savor” means to pause, enjoy and take delight in. The problem with listening to tale-bearing is that we take it in. It does not simply pass by. Instead, we spend time considering it. And whether we like it or not, it taints our thoughts and attitudes. Perhaps suspicion and caution arise where previously there were none. Perhaps we begin to see the person spoken of in a slightly different light. Or perhaps we begin to see faults that we never saw before. As the ancient philosopher Horace said, “Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.” Once spoken, words fly irrevocably.

The story is told of a young man during the Middle Ages who went to a monk to ask what he should do to repent of his sin of slander. The monk instructed the young man to put a feather on every doorstep in town. When the young man returned, the monk instructed him to go back and pick up all the feathers. “But that’s impossible,” cried the man, “By now the wind will have blown them all over town!”

“So has your slanderous word become impossible to retrieve,” replied the monk, “though you are forgiven, you can never retrieve the damage you have done.”

The Lord wants us to avoid the sin of tale-bearing. His Word says, “Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.” (Prov 13:3) That’s why we need to watch out for gab, blab and gossip.

Bringing the Word to Life

Are you a tale-bearer? Take a look at the following list of tale-bearing behaviors. Circle any behaviors that you struggle with. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you guard your speech.

Slander (Eph. 4:31)
Gossip (Rom. 1:29)
Whispering (Ps. 41:7)
Babbling/Chattering (Eccl. 10:11; Prov. 10:8)
Tattling (1 Tim. 5:13)
Defaming (Jer. 20:10; 1 Cor. 4:13)
Repeating matters (Prov 17:9)
Meddling (1 Tim. 5:13; Prov. 26:17)

Tale-bearing may not be a sin you struggle with. But when a talebearer comes to you with a morsel of gossip, how do you respond? Do you savor the information? Offer a few choice morsels of your own? Pass the information on to someone else? Or, like David, do you refuse to listen and gently rebuke your friend for their sin? Those who are wise will avoid even listening to gab, blab and gossip.

Today’s challenge: Put the brakes on your tongue. See if you can reduce (or even eliminate) the gab, blab, and gossip that comes out of your mouth. If someone begins to share some gossip with you, try to steer the conversation back in a positive direction.

How Does Your Garden Grow?

Mary Kassian — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 07:01:56 +0000

Mary, Mary quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle shells,
And pretty maids all in a row.

When I was young, grown-ups often greeted me with the sing-songy question: “Mary, Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden grow?” Since my name is Mary, they used this line (taken from a famous nursery rhyme) instead of the traditional “How are you?” I must admit it mildly irritated me. They no doubt thought they were being clever and cute, but I didn’t like being called “contrary.” And I didn’t really understand the meaning of the rhyme. But the second part of the rhyme: “With silver bells and cockle shells and pretty maids all in a row” sounded nice, and not at all “contrary”, so whenever I was greeted with the first part of the rhyme, I always put on a bright smile, and in my sweetest nursery rhyme voice, quoted the second part back.

It was in adulthood that I discovered that the this rhyme referred to the English Queen, Mary Tudor, “Bloody Mary,” the daughter of King Henry VIII. The “silver bells” and “cockle shells” were colloquialisms for instruments of torture. The ” maids” were guillotines. And the “garden” was an allusion to the graveyards of Protestants she martyred. Bloody Mary was indeed “quite contrary”! … that is: “opposing others, stubborn, against, perverse.”

This rhyme illustrates an important principle: the type of seeds you plant determine the type of harvest you reap. For Bloody Mary, the seeds of “contrariness” led to a harvest of pain, destruction, and death. Her “garden” was full of graves.

The Bible teaches that in order to have gardens of life and beauty, we need to weed out sinful attitudes and actions and plant good seed . And it provides a helpful “filter” that helps us evaluate whether or not the seed is good. I call it the P-48 test, from Philippians 4:8.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.”

The P-48 tests the goodness of beliefs, thoughts and words so we can judge if they ought to be planted in our hearts. It is a “PRE-PLANT” test. With P-48, we determine whether the seeds are:

If, after being shaken through this filter, they remain, then they are seeds that we want to plant. If not, they are not from God and should be discarded. You can put your thoughts and words to the test:

Pure: Do I have the right heart motivation? Are my motives pure? Are my thoughts and words holy?
Right: Is this proper and appropriate? Is it in conformity with God’s standards and principles? Does it build?
Excellent: Is this of highest quality? Is it the best – and not just adequate?
Praiseworthy: Is it commendable? Am I proud of the way I am thinking/speaking? More important, is God proud of me?
Lovely: Does it have a beauty that appeals to the heart? Does it mirror the beauty and gentleness of Jesus?
Admirable: Is it worthy of being respected and admired? Would others commend it?
Noble: Is it of the highest moral character and superior quality? Is it great and magnificent? Does it demonstrate my position as a child of the king?
True: Is it free of deceit? Does it agree with the Bible’s evaluation of the situation? Does it submit to truth?

Every thought is a seed. Every word is a seed. If you plant crabapples, don’t count on harvesting Golden Delicious. – Author Unknown

Today’s Challenge:

Memorize the P-48 test acrostic. Apply this test to your thought and words. Ask God to help you filter out anything that does not meet this standard.