1. Read the thirteenth point of contrast between a Wild and a Wise Thing (Pages 181-189)
2. Download and complete the Chapter Questions for Personal Reflection
3. Post your comments on the Blog

• Describe some symptoms of CGS (clingy girlfriend syndrome) that you’ve observed in friends or family.
• What do you think a needy woman is looking to get from a man?
• Why do some women feel a sense of neediness more acutely than others?
• Why will no earthly relationship ever completely quench a woman’s thirst?
• What practical advice would you give to a woman to help her rely less on man and more on the Lord?

© Mary A. Kassian

Every young woman wants to be the leading lady in a heart-gripping romance–that’s a natural and normal desire. And most relationships start off all lovey-dovey and swoony and romancy. The girl usually views the guy as her heart-throb… her personal prince charming. She’s swept off her feet, and thinks their love will last forever.  But feelings can be fleeting. How much she feels she’s  in love  isn’t the best indicator of whether the relationship is a good one.

What would I do if my daughter became infatuated with a boy who was very nice, and obviously cared for her, but who had a dark side, and was, in fact, a “lost soul”? What clues would tip me off that their relationship wasn’t healthy? What would I tell her?  What signs should I warn her of, so that she might be cautious when she sees them ? So many young women blindly follow their emotions. They don’t know how to be wise and cautious. They don’t know the tell-tale “signals” to look for that indicate that a relationship isn’t healthy.

Having many more miles on my odometer than young girls, I’ve observed hundreds–maybe thousands–of relationships… both good and bad. And certain behaviors raise warning signs. Certain things set off alarm bells in my spirit and indicate to me that a relationship is not good–and will likely be destructive in the end.

So here they are again. (minus Edward.)  Young women and moms, listen up! Talk about these warning signs. Be aware of them BEFORE you get emotionally caught up in a relationship:

Danger Signs

Regardless of how “in love” my daughter felt, if I saw the following danger signs, I would argue that the romance was not good for her, and would not end well. It would ultimately be bad and not good for her soul.

1. Bad Boy Attraction

There’s something about the “forbidden fruit” of a relationship with a bad boy that attracts young women. I would warn my daughter that this attraction is deceptive, and very, very dangerous. If I saw or took note that the young man had a “dark” side, or “bad boy” tendencies, then I would warn against the relationship. I would warn her not to get involved with any man whose heart wasn’t wholly committed to Christ.

2. Shared Dark Secrets

A second sign of a bad relationship is when a young woman feels she must keep something about her relationship or love interest hidden and secret—especially from her parents. A shared dark secret forms a bond that is unhealthy. It puts up a barrier to prevent the loving scrutiny and helpful input of family and friends. It prevents people from offering outside objective feedback. Darkness loves to remain hidden.  If something needs to be hidden, then the relationship is likely bad.

3. “Us” versus “Them” Mentality

An “us versus them” mentality is another warning sign.  Whenever a woman feels that “no one understands” and that she needs to “side” with her boyfriend against family and friends, chances are that the relationship is not a good one.  If you feel like you need to choose sides—to side with a love interest against your family, and hunker down together “us” against “them”—the relationship probably isn’t a healthy one.

4. Isolation and Seclusion

Isolation and seclusion are also marks of an unhealthy relationship. If an unmarried young man and woman spend all or most of their time together alone—apart from family and friends, their relationship isn’t healthy. Healthy relationships are forged in the context of community. If a love interest isolates you from family and friends, and interferes with you building and maintaining other relationships, then that relationship is not good for you. To be healthy, a couple must develop and maintain healthy community connections.

5. Mismatched Interests and Values

I would warn my daughter against a spiritual mismatch–light and darkness don’t mix.  I would also warn her if there was a severe mismatch in their ages, their education, their cultural upbringing, and their values.

A severe mismatch does not lend itself well to a good, lasting marriage. This is particularly the case when the mismatch is one of spiritual darkness versus light.

6. Neediness and Obsession

I would warn my daughter against neediness. I’d tell her that if she feels so desperate for the young man that she thinks she can’t live without him, then learning to live without him is the very thing she most needs to do. I would warn her not to rely on men for her sense of self-worth, identity, or happiness. I would tell her that the only one she truly needs is Jesus. And in order to have a healthy marriage, she needs to work on cultivating inner strength and wholeness, based on a personal relationship with Christ.  A needy relationship is bad news. Needy women go through a revolving door of relationships. I would want her to know that there is no man on the face of this earth that will meet the deep desires of her heart. Only Jesus can do that.

7. Rationalization and Justification

Another sign of a bad relationship is when a young woman feels the need to rationalize and justify it. If she makes excuses for him, and tries to minimize his glaring faults–  if she lies or covers up for him, or if she compromises her standards when she’s with him, then the relationship is built on very shaky ground. I would tell my daughter that she shouldn’t expect that her love will change a man’s fundamental nature. I would caution her against rationalizing things so that she could convince herself that her bad boy wasn’t really all that bad.  A good relationship doesn’t require rationalization and justification. It is self-evident that it is good.

8. Failure to Seek & Heed Input

Finally, healthy relationships are open to scrutiny and input. If she can’t be open and honest with me about who he is and what they do together, then something is wrong. If she isn’t interested in feedback from family and friends, then something is wrong. If she refuses to listen to warnings and concerns from those who love her, then something is wrong.

Okay. There you have it again. I happened to have seen all those warning signs in Bella and Edward’s relationship in Twilight… but whether or not you like Twilight, I hope you’ll agree that these particular Danger Signs do indeed indicate that something in a relationship is terribly amiss.

© Mary A. Kassian

The question that I always ask, when I see something so grip the hearts and minds of women, is “Why?”.  And it was this question that was foremost in my mind when I finally sat down a couple weeks ago to watch and analyze the first two movies.

Personally, I could barely stomach the prolonged furtive glances, pained expressions, and shallow, banal dialogue that passed between Edward and Bella. But setting that aside, I think I understand the story’s attraction to young teen girls.

To begin, the saga portrays “traditional” roles for male and female at a time when it is highly counter-cultural to do so. Bella isn’t a male-kicking, karate-chopping, independent, domineering heroine.  She’s gentle, soft, and vulnerable. Her character flies in the face of the tough-girl image that’s portrayed by most contemporary movies.  I think young girls intuitively know that the prevalent portrayal of women as tough doesn’t match who they are. The average teen senses that she’s not wired that way. She longs to be the princess in a traditional fairy tale romance. She wants to be a woman. And she wants a man to be a man.

A young woman intuitively yearns for someone who will pursue her, protect her, and cherish her beauty and vulnerability. She yearns for a man to love her at a deep personal and emotional level—and not just a physical, sexual one. Regardless of culture’s attempts at egalitarian brainwashing, the man of her dreams is still a strong, handsome prince charming who fights for her, and rescues her. He loves her, commits to her, and selflessly sets aside personal interest for the sake of her best interest.

Edward fits the bill.

It’s not surprising that young girls are falling for him. But sadly, their enthusiasm for being the leading lady in a heart-gripping romance lacks discernment. The movie grips them at such a deep emotional level that they shrug off the glaring warnings that indicate that this particular relationship is unhealthy. It’s a counterfeit version of a fairy-tale romance. It looks good and attractive on the surface, but the underlying darkness in Edward will most certainly lead to disaster for Bella. It may go well for a time, but in the end, it will kill her. She’s playing with fire, and she’s going to get burned.

Danger Signs

If Bella were my daughter, several alarm bells would be going off in my head about her relationship with Edward. I would not approve. Regardless of how “in love” she felt, I would argue that this romance was not good for her, and would not end well. It would ultimately be bad and not good for her soul. There are some very clear danger signs in their relationship that I would flag:

1. Bad Boy Attraction

Edward has a dark side. A very dark side. Twilight author, Stephenie Meyer, has stated that the apple on the cover represents the forbidden fruit from the Book of Genesis. It symbolizes Bella and Edward’s love, which is forbidden, similar to the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, as implied by the quote from Genesis 2:17 at the beginning of the book. The apple also represents Bella’s knowledge of what good and evil are, and the choice that she must make. She must decide if she’s going to indulge in a relationship with Edward–the “forbidden fruit”—or to stay away from him. There’s something about the “forbidden fruit” of a relationship with a bad boy that attracts young women. I would warn my daughter that this attraction is deceptive, and very, very dangerous.

2. Shared Dark Secrets

A second sign of a bad relationship is when a young woman feels she must keep something about her relationship or love interest hidden and secret—especially from her parents. A shared dark secret forms a bond that is unhealthy. It puts up a barrier to prevent the loving scrutiny and helpful input of family and friends. It prevents people from offering outside objective feedback. Darkness loves to remain hidden.  If something needs to be hidden, then the relationship is likely bad. I would tell Bella that if she could not be completely open with us about who Edward was, or what the two of them were doing together, then the relationship was probably ungodly and unhealthy and needed to end.

3. “Us” versus “Them” Mentality

An “us versus them” mentality is another warning sign.  Whenever a woman feels that “no one understands” and that she needs to “side” with her boyfriend against family and friends, chances are that the relationship is not a good one. When Bella started dating Edward, she felt that it was the two of them fighting against all odds, and against all the naysayers that wouldn’t approve. The two of them were going to overcome all the obstacles, and prove that they were right, and everyone else was wrong.  This is a danger sign. If you feel like you need to choose sides—to side with a love interest against your family, and hunker down together “us” against “them”—the relationship probably isn’t a healthy one.

4. Isolation and Seclusion

Isolation and seclusion is another mark of an unhealthy relationship. If an unmarried young man and woman spend most their time together alone—apart from family and friends, their relationship isn’t healthy. Healthy relationships are forged in the context of community. If a love interest isolates you from family and friends, and interferes with you building and maintaining other relationships, then that relationship is not good for you. Bella had very few relationships outside of Edward. The two of them became loners that stuck to one another, spent the bulk of their free time together, and didn’t develop healthy community connections.

5. Mismatched Interests and Values

The thing that concerns me the most about the Twilight saga is the underlying message that it’s possible to mix light and dark—good and bad—together.  That’s a concept that’s reflected in the title of the series. “Twilight” is the period of dimness that exists when the light is growing weaker, and the darkness is growing stronger. But the book’s message is that with a bit of effort on everyone’s part, dark and light can be mixed together-a state of twilight can exist forever. And indeed, many young Christian girls think that this is the case. They think that daughters of light can hang out with, hook up with, and even marry sons of darkness.

The problem is that the vampire, Edward, has no soul. He is darkness. He is irredeemable—he can’t change. He will eternally, immortally be a slave of darkness. But Bella is human. She has a soul. Tragically, because of her association with Edward, she is in danger of losing it. They are mismatched. The clear message of the Bible is that light has no business pairing up with darkness. Ultimately, light and darkness cannot coexist.  Darkness and light cannot come together as one.

I would warn Bella against a spiritual mismatch.  I would also warn her against the mismatch in their ages (he’s 110, she’s 17… really???!!!), their education (he’s gone to school for decades, she isn’t even finished high school), their cultural upbringing (He drinks blood, she doesn’t. She eats food, he doesn’t.), and their values (He is a vampire, after all. Even though he’s “nice,” he still engages in vampire-ish and occultist practices—just like “nice” white witches are still involved in witchcraft, and nice cocaine addicts still have an addiction to cocaine.).

A severe mismatch does not lend itself well to a good, lasting marriage. This is particularly the case when the mismatch is one of spiritual darkness versus light.

6. Neediness and Obsession

Bella is needy.  She’s obsessed with Edward. He is all she thinks about. When Edward breaks up with her, she sinks into a deep depression. She feels she can’t live without him. The movie implies that she becomes suicidal. She throws herself off a cliff and tries to drown in order to connect with Edward. She cares about Edward more than she cares about her relationship with God, and more than she cares about her life. She’s entirely willing to forfeit her soul for her need of Edward.

Edward is also needy. He stalks Bella and watches her continually. He even sneaks into her room and watches her while she sleeps. He shows up in her head in visions and speaks to her. (In my opinion, it’s downright creepy.)

I would warn Bella against neediness. I’d tell her that if she feels so desperate for Edward that she can’t live without him, then learning to live without him is the very thing she most needs to do. I would warn her not to rely on men for her sense of self-worth, identity, or happiness. I would tell her that the only one she truly needs is Jesus. And in order to have a healthy marriage, she needs to work on cultivating inner strength and wholeness, based on a personal relationship with Christ.  A needy relationship is bad news. Needy women go through a revolving door of relationships, from one “Edward” to the next. I would want Bella to know that there is no man on the face of this earth that will meet the deep desires of her heart. Only Jesus can do that.

7. Rationalization and Justification

Another sign of a bad relationship is when a woman feels the need to rationalize and justify it. Bella rationalized being in a relationship with a vampire. She reasoned that since he was such a nice vampire, and was trying really hard to behave, and restrained his desire to bite and kill her, that somehow his niceness and self-control and love made their relationship okay.  She rationalized the lies, deceit, and compromise by thinking that it was all for the greater good.  She self-importantly thought that she was helping him. She was the only one who truly understood him and the only one who could give him the love he needed. She was the only one who completely accepted him and saw the good in him. She rationalized things so that she could convince herself that her bad boy wasn’t really all that bad.

But a vampire is a vampire. Bella cannot give a vampire a soul and make him human. No amount of rationalization on her part can justify their relationship or the risk she is exposing herself to. A good relationship doesn’t require rationalization and justification. It is self-evident that it is good.

8. Failure to Seek & Heed Input

Bella doesn’t confide in her parents about the nature of her relationship with Edward. Nor does she seek counsel from any other friends or family. When her father tries to give her some advice, she shrugs it off as inconsequential. She knows better. No one else understands.

If Bella were my daughter, I’d notice these danger signs, and I’d warn her loudly and clearly about falling for a counterfeit version of true romance. I’d worry. I’d pray. I’d ask the Lord to break it up. Because although Edward is cute and seems so nice, he’s undeniably dangerous.

In the real world, the Bellas who fall for the Edwards usually don’t live happily ever after.  In the real world, twilight turns to night. In the real world, far too many parents watch the light in their precious Bellas grow dim, and slowly be engulfed by darkness.

I am perplexed by Christians who uphold Twilight as a desirable model for dating or relationships. I don’t understand why believing mothers fail to discern the good from the bad, and fail to discuss the deception in the Twilight message with their daughters. Bella had an absentee mother. And sadly, that’s the case with many young women today.

Yes, I know, it’s just a movie.  But it’s not an innocuous message. It contains an oh-so-subtle temptation for our daughters to throw caution to the wind and give their hearts away to bad boys–to think that good and bad are relative and don’t really matter–to take the Twilight apple in hand, become enamored with the deceptive promise it holds, and to carelessly indulge.

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NOTE:  A few people have corrected me on the cliff-diving scene. I was basing my impression on the movie. I haven’t read the book. In the movie, Bella was obviously in a state of depression when she went to the cliff alone, so it appeared to both me and my husband (and my sons too) that she was attempting suicide. (Apparently, the book gives an alternate explanation)  But even if we misinterpreted that movie scene, that doesn’t negate the fact that Bella was needy and obsessive about Edward, and that neediness and obsession are marks of an unhealthy relationship. I came at this blog from the perspective of “If I were Bella’s mom…”

Whether moms allow daughters to watch the movie is a personal decision, but hopefully my points will provide a framework for discussion, so that those who do watch it will do so with discernment.

© Mary A. Kassian

Today, it is officially one month until I marry the godliest man I know.

As I approach leaving the dating life forever, it makes me look back at the dating process and all the different types of men involved. There’s the intellectual type, the athletic guy, the funny man, and then there are the bad boys. Oh, the bad boys. These guys are different. The secular world has them and the Christian dating sphere also has them. They’re smooth, confident, mysterious and gave me a flurry of butterflies. They were just a step above the rest of normal guys…or so I thought. They were saved, so that ensured a God-honoring dating relationship, right? Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that the answer is NO.

Many women have the same pull towards bad boys. What is it about them that attracts so many ladies? They know exactly what to say to each woman to make us feel special. They’re confident, knowing what they want and don’t mind putting their egos at stake to ask you out. They have a rebellious side, live with a ‘devil-may-care’ attitude and are fiercely independent. All these different things make up a guy that is exciting to us, usually popular, attractive, and usually fulfills some need of acceptance and significance. You add being a Christian on top of these characteristics and it seems like you have the perfect man. But just because he may have his “fire insurance” (salvation), as one of my friends puts it, does that make him the kind of man you should date or eventually marry? Does his character match up with how the Bible defines a godly man?

Why Bad Boys Can’t Be Godly Men

1. They put themselves first above all others and only want you for what you can do for him.
These kinds of Christian men cannot offer you the sacrificial love which God commands of husbands in Eph. 5:25-30. Bad boys show you attention, give you constant compliments and excitement, but when you stop meeting his needs and making him happy, he will lose interest in you. He will get bored and move on to the next woman or thing that fulfills his selfish desires. God commands in Phil. 2:3-4: “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

Christian bad boys can’t be godly men until they became humble and self-sacrificial. That is one sign of a biblical man. Unless the bad boy learns true humility, he has no chance of being the sacrificial husband and father God commands him to be (Eph.5:25-30).

2. They’re smooth talkers.

Bad boys tell you exactly what you want to hear, what makes you feel good about yourself. But what they say is usually not at the appropriate time (premature commitment talk) and it is usually not genuine. Most of the time selfish motives are behind every word. The Bible calls this flattery (Ps.5:9;12:2; 78:36; Prov.29:5). In Rom. 16:17-18, Paul writes about false prophets who shared this very same characteristic: “I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them. For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.”

Christian bad boys can’t be godly men until they speak truth with their mouths and not use flattery to serve their selfish desires. They use their smooth words to isolate women and cause divisions, which is the next point.

3. They isolate women from godly friends and family.

Many times the bad boy tries to keep you away from your friends and family in very sly ways. As one friend shared, her boyfriend used to say “Oh, let’s have dinner just you and me this time and not go over to your family’s house,” or “Let’s not sit with your family in church, your mother’s singing annoys me.” Does your bad boy try to spend as little time possible with your family? What does your family think of him? If your parents are godly parents, you should heed their advice. Too many times I thought I knew better than my parents when it came to my dating relationships. Finally, I realized my parents had wisdom and saw things that I couldn’t about the guys. It saved me so much heartache, helped me honor my parents, and built a strong relationship with them.

Christian bad boys also isolate you from godly friends. They try to make sure all time together is spent alone and even try to discourage you from maintaining your friendships. They do this because they know those who love you have your best interests in mind and the bad boy is not your best interest. Proverbs 18:1 is a great biblical example: “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.”

The Christian bad boy isolates himself from sound judgment and will try to get you to join him. Until he seeks godly advice and wants to surround himself (and you) with godly people, he cannot be a godly man. A girl once shared with me about her relationship with a Christian bad boy, “It felt like it was him and me against the world, but then I realized that the world was everyone who would lay down their lives for me.” He had isolated her from all her friends. After having ended a relationship, have you had to mend friendships or family relationships because of neglect or disregard of their sound advice? You just might have been dating a bad boy.

4. They don’t protect your heart or your body.

They have no boundaries, physically or emotionally. Protecting your heart goes back to the smooth-talking. It may have been nice to hear but was it nice for your heart? Was it said at an appropriate time? 1 Corinthians 10:23-24 says, “All things are lawful,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up. Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor.”

While I was dating my fiancé, Alex, he didn’t just blurt out what he felt about me early on in the relationship, but what was for my good. He could have told me exactly what I wanted to hear and flattered my ears, but instead he was patient, kind, and not self-seeking. Alex waited for the appropriate time to share his feelings about me and our future – once he knew it was for my good and, also, God-honoring. For our relationship, this meant even not saying “I love you” until Alex knew he could follow it with a lifelong commitment and proposal of marriage. Protecting your heart means separating any romantic feelings and following 1 Cor.13. Is your bad boy protecting your heart and not awakening love until it so desires (Song of Solomon 2:7)? Is your bad boy protecting you physically? 1 Corinthians 6:18 says to “Flee from sexual immorality.” Fleeing from sin means there has to be boundaries before the physical element enters the relationship. Does he compromise those physical boundaries by “accidentally” brushing his hand against your leg or sitting far too close early in the relationship? Does he put you in compromising situations full of temptation? Or, does he respect and protect you by making sure that he’s following Eph. 5:3: “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.”

A Christian bad boy cannot be a godly man because he does not protect his Christian sister by doing what is good for her but doing what his good for himself. He does not truly love, as in 1 Cor. 13, and, therefore, cannot truly love you as Christ loves the Church and gave Himself up for her (Eph.5:25).

Some women out there might be thinking, “But we have so much chemistry, he’s so fun and exciting.” I used to think the exact same thing but what I’ve learned is: Chemistry isn’t what keeps a marriage strong for 20+ years. Godliness is what keeps a couple loving each other, sacrificing for each other, and glorifying God with their marriage. A godly man leads his girlfriend or wife towards godliness, protects her heart and body, provides for her, disciples her, sacrifices himself for her, and cultivates the work of God in her. This is the kind of man to date and marry, not the bad boy who uses for his own gain, leads towards ungodliness, blurs the boundaries that protect, and avoids wise counsel.

I used to think that if I gave up the exciting bad boy type that God would have me marry a boring, godly type. But I assure you, godly is NOT boring. Just because a guy isn’t a bad boy doesn’t make him a stick in the mud, goody two-shoes, but it DOES point to Christ being their heart’s desire. It doesn’t mean that you can’t feel a strong connection with them, look lovingly in their eyes, and get butterflies when they come near, or even have a huge crush on them years down the road. In a month, I get to marry a godly man who’s my best friend and whom I simply adore (and will for the next 50+ years). God has your best in mind and if you make His standards your standards, and if it’s His will for you to marry, He will send you a man who will be a wonderful, lifelong companion, who you can trust, who will sacrifice himself for you, and with whom you can honor God together.

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© Dianne Hawkins

Mr. Right When You Need Him is a real doll! He’s handsome, considerate, and knows just the right thing to say. He comes with eight interchangeable voice balloons that say such sweet nothings as “May I take you shoe shopping? And “As always, you’re right.” Three voice balloons are blank so that you can get Mr. Right to say exactly what you want him to say.

The owner’s manual instructs single women that they are not alone.

“There are 43 million of you single gals out there and all 43 million of you have one thing in common: You’re all not satisfied with the man/men in your lives.”

Like Betty Boop, this novelty item I picked up in a bookstore last week is obviously intended to be funny. But it illustrates an interesting tension that women are feeling in their relationships these days. Women have bought into the idea that a woman can shape a man into who she wants him to be by calling the shots in the relationship. She will be happy when she finds a man that will do what she wants him to do.

So she initiates, pursues, manipulates, nags, demands and cajoles her man into being the type of man she thinks she wants him to be. Like the Wild Thing of Proverbs 7, she is loud, sassy, brazen, wily and manipulative. She tries to control him, but the results are far from satisfactory. She’s not satisfied with the man in her life. She just can’t seem to make the relationship work.

The owner’s manual promises that “Mr. Right When You Need Him” can solve that problem. He will be a woman’s consistent supporter in an inconsistent world, her number-one protector, and her first and foremost fan. And that is the desire of a woman’s heart, isn’t it? To be consistently and faithfully loved, protected, and cherished? The reason so many women are disappointed, is that no man on the face of this earth can satisfy the deep desires of their hearts – neither the silly cardboard “Mr. Right When You Need Him,” nor a flesh-and-blood man who appears to match the cultural ideal. The more a woman tries to make a man satisfy her deep desires, the more disappointed she will be.

The yearning to be fully loved, protected, and cherished can only be satisfied in a relationship with Jesus Christ. You 43 million single gals out there need to know that Jesus is the answer to the deepest desire of your hearts. No other man can always be there for you – right when you need Him.

© Mary A. Kassian