Recently, I hit the street near Notre Dame University, and asked college-aged girls what they thought about flirting:

[If you cannot see the embedded video, you can click here to watch it]

Is flirting really just a game? Everyone’s doing it! Our culture upholds it as innocent fun—even the five-year olds in the toddler beauty pageants are taught how to playfully writhe and pose in a seductive way.

More than Just a Game

The Sage Father warns his son about women who try to capture guys with their “eyelashes”—that is, with their flirtatious, coy glances. (Prov. 6:25) And in Isaiah, the Lord soundly rebukes His daughters for their provocative body language—outstretched necks, wanton looks, wiggling hips, and mincing feet. (Isaiah 3:16)

The New Testament repeatedly identifies “sensuality” as a sin (Gal. 5:19, Rom. 13:13, Mark 7:21-23, 1 Pet. 4:3). It’s a behavior that Christians are to repent of and turn from (2 Cor. 12:21). Seductive body language could have been one of the sins Paul had in mind when he told the believers in Ephesus, “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality or of any kind of impurity… because these are improper for God’s holy people.” (Eph. 5:3)

What’s the big deal? What’s the problem with flirting and showing off your womanly wares? You might defend your flirtatious behavior by claiming that you don’t intend to seduce a man to have sex—you’re just playing and are not really serious.  But suggestive body language implies or hints at something improper. A woman who gives any man (other than her husband) a “come-and-get-me” look is effect telling a lie. She is thumbing her nose at God by hinting that illicit sex is desirable and exciting.  She is sinning by willfully enticing a man’s thoughts away from the path of virtue.  Body language that implies or hints at a wrongful sexual act is just as offensive to God as performing that sexual act.

Not Even a Hint

The Bible’s perspective on the sin of sensuality includes more than just the type of seduction that leads to illicit sex. Seduction is ANY behavior that purposefully leads another person in the wrong direction.  It’s any behavior that falsely hints that evil is desirable or exciting.  It’s any behavior that entices someone to think about something improper. Even if she’s just playing, the woman who turns on her sexual charm clearly wants men to think that sex with her is an alluring idea.  That’s seduction.  And that’s sin.

Nowadays, Christian teachers routinely address the problem of sexual sin in regards to men looking at porn and lusting after women, but they rarely address the problem of women inviting men to lust with flirtatious, provocative body language.

The disciples were aghast at the seemingly impossible standards Christ upheld. Jesus told the guys that looking at a woman lustfully was just as sinful as having sex with her.  So I’m sure He’d tell you that giving the look to the stranger across the room is just as sinful as jumping into bed with him.

There’s no getting around it.  The woman who deliberately sends the invitation to look and think about sex is just as guilty as the man who accepts it.

Keep Your Body Language Holy

But is ALL flirting wrong?

Body language is part of the romantic “dance” between a couple.  The glances, the smiles, and the playful interaction are important elements that signal interest and move the relationship along. Nonverbal communication is an important part of all face-to-face interaction. Some psychologists say that it conveys 55 percent of the overall message.  The point of paying attention to our body language is not to get rid of body language, but to make sure that what we say with our bodies is just as holy as what we say with our mouths.

What do you think?

• Is the idea that women should be careful about flirting outdated and prudish?
• How can you tell when your body language crosses the line from sending an “I’m interested in you” message to sending a “Wouldn’t it be fun to have sex with me?” message?
• Do you agree or disagree that “the woman who deliberately sends the invitation to look and think about sex is just as guilty as the man who accepts it.”?
• Is flirting ever okay?

(The video above is one of the dozens of sh0rt “conversation-teaser” videos on the Girls Gone Wise DVD)

Related posts:

1. Book Blog 8: Flirt to Convert
2. Wild vs. Wild Contrast #8: Body Language
3. Book Blog 10: How Far is Too Far?

I say “apparently” because I didn’t watch the show. I’m not a big Bachelor fan. But it’s tough to go anywhere these days without overhearing girls rehashing the program, and arguing over who should and shouldn’t be the next to be denied a rose.

The guys aren’t as crazy about the series.

Besides the fact that there are no guns, car chases, or buildings blowing up, they have a hard time tolerating all the drama. Each episode documents how Ben’s hopefuls pull out all the stops to “catch” him. They bait and scheme, and use all their wiles to reel him in. He is party to the game, and takes advantage of their seductive efforts. The drama, manipulation, behind-the-scenes back-stabbing, and bait-and-reel is admittedly what makes the show so entertaining.

Fly-Fishing and Man-Fishing

The fly-fishing/man-fishing analogy is actually quite apt. The bachelor thinks he’s the one doing the fishing, but in reality, it’s the women baiting their hooks and throwing out their lines . . .  They use sexual manipulation, emotional manipulation, verbal manipulation, and circumstantial manipulation to snag and reel him in.

A wise father once instructed his son to avoid crafty women. He told him that being snared by a wily woman, (“whose heart is a trap and whose hands are chains”), is a fate “more bitter than death.” He warned him that “The man who pleases God will escape her, but the sinner she will ensnare.”  (Ecclesiastes 7:26)

The Problem with Bait-and-Reel

The problem with a manipulative approach to male-female relationships is that it ultimately backfires. Dangling yourself out like bait to hook a man isn’t just bad for the guy who gets caught in your trap; it’s also bad for YOU. It’s a foolish strategy. In the end, it doesn’t deliver. You’ll end up selling out to sin and having a partner that you have to restrain like a dog on a leash. He’ll become immune and resentful of your attempts to manipulate and control his behavior. The relationship will inevitably deteriorate.

A Wild Thing uses a fly-fishing approach toward relationships, but a Wise Thing rejects the worldly idea that in order to get a guy, a girls needs to manipulatively toss out the bait and reel him in. She seeks to be godly, above-board, unpretentious, and without guile in her relationships with men.

Watch this short video to see how young Christian men feel about a woman hanging out the bait:

(If your browser doesn’t display the embedded video, click here to watch it.)

This video clip is one of dozens of short discussion-provoking videos on the NEW Girls Gone Wise DVD.

What do you think about the bait-and-reel method?

I’m giving away a free video!  To enter the draw, leave a comment about what you think about the bait-and-reel method of catching a guy or what you thought about what the guys said on the video.

You could also Facebook, tweet, or share  your thoughts on social media. (@GirlsGoneWise) We’ll collect all the social media buzz  and make a Draw on Wednesday, January 25, 2012 at 12 noon PST)

Related posts:

1. Man Whisperer vs. True Woman
2. Book Blog 3: Are you a Wily Coyote?
3. God Created MAN

But shouldn’t we have standards? Where do we find the balance between being as picky as Tyra and dating every bad breath that asks us out? What’s the difference between having ideals and having standards?

Ideals put God in a box and you above God.

When what his favorite TV show is or what his height is affects what type of guy you’re willing to date, you’ve successfully derailed what God could potentially do in your life and placed Him in a box. The God of the universe, who created you (Psalm 139:13), who intimately knows everything about you (Psalm 139:1-3), who knows something as inconsequential as how many hairs are on your head (Matthew 10:29-31), knows what’s best for you, His daughter.

But ideals fashioned after movie characters, Jane Austen novels, or even someone great like a father, can tie the hands of God in your life and block out a truly great dating relationship. There are character traits that you may not even realize you need; character traits that God in His divine knowledge knows about and has orchestrated. Ideals can stunt this, because they cause us to cross off any guy that comes around, simply because he’s not the “ideal.”  When you have certain criteria set in stone for your future husband, you’ve assumed the position of God’s authority in your life.

Standards keep you anchored to the Word, trusting in the Lord, and in a state of prayer.

One of the biggest differences between ideals and standards is focus. While your ideals keep you locked on celebrity news and focused on so much of the outward appearances, your standards can keep you fastened to and guided by God’s Word.

The Bible is your source of evaluation. Characteristics describing a godly man taken from Scripture create the questions to ask about the guy you are dating, or even thinking about dating. There is a huge element of trusting God that comes into play when a woman is ready to burn The List. We must remember that God knows us better than we know ourselves (Psalm 139:1-4). He’s looking out for our best interests (Romans 8:28-29).

Ideals are often things we hide behind in an effort to protect ourselves.

Some of us may cringe at this, because it’s exactly why we have these ridiculous ideals…they serve as a shield behind which to hide. For some of you, that 70 foot wall around your heart you call “standards” is your crutch, your safeguard, your first line of defense. But what you don’t realize is that you are isolating yourself, not protecting yourself. And you’re potentially missing out on what God wants to do for you.

Standards allow safety in the dating scene.

Having biblically-based standards in dating is your best option for protecting your heart from devastation.

Because much of the journey is based on prayer, guidance of the Holy Spirit, and wisdom from Scripture you can have confidence that as God is leading you into the relationship, He’s also safeguarding your heart. Even if you don’t end up as husband and wife, there can be some amazing lessons learned from dating biblically.

So where do you go from here? Am I suggesting that you date the next guy that asks you out? No. But a balance needs to be found. How do we formulate these standards if we can’t base them off of Chris Pine and his dreamy eyes?

             1. Keep it simple.

Standards should not be long and exhaustive; instead keep it short. Keeping your standards short does a few things for you. First, it leaves room for growth in both of your lives. Secondly, keeping it short allows you to memorize your standards, and memorized standards allow you to think clearly when Dreamy McDreamerson gives you that wink.

             2. Keep it biblical.

Having a portion of Scripture that coincides with each standard not only legitimizes the importance of that standard, but also anchors it to the very thing that should be guiding your life. Keeping your standards biblically-based allows you to evaluate him by basing them on something tangible and not your emotions.

             3. Keep it in prayer.

The power of prayer is of utmost importance when it comes to navigating through the labyrinth of dating. It’s essential in developing your standards, as well as in keeping them. Since dating eventually leads to marriage, it leads to one of the biggest decisions of your life. It should take priority in your prayer life.

Valentine’s Day is here, and unless you plan on developing a time warp that can shuttle you into the world of Pemberley, I very much doubt you’ll be dating the ideal Mr. Darcy. You could, however, be dating biblically and dating someone who fits godly standards.

No related posts.

1. Be Christ-Centered.

This may seem very basic but it’s the most foundational trait for being a good girlfriend. Any girl that doesn’t have Christ as her center won’t be able to become a godly girlfriend or have a healthy, God-honoring relationship. She’ll be in danger of having her boyfriend become her center, her all, her everything which is honestly, idolatry. Anything coming first in your heart, before Christ, is your god (Deut.11:16).

The greatest command for God’s followers is to love Him with ALL their hearts and souls (Deut. 10:12; Mk. 12:28-30). You must love God foremost before you can truly love a boyfriend or husband.

2. Be Confident in Christ.

She knows who she is in Christ and exactly how He feels about her. She doesn’t “fish” for compliments or need constant assurance of her boyfriend’s feelings. I tended to worry a lot in a relationship. In my insecurity, I worried about the future of the relationship, how he felt, or if he found me attractive. My confidence wasn’t coming from the Lord because I wanted a guy’s approval more (Jn. 12:43).

But a godly girlfriend walks with confidence, with a smile on her face because she knows she’s the daughter of The King (Prov.31:25). She fears the Lord and trusts in His promises for her (Rom.8:28).

Don’t get me wrong, hearing your boyfriend’s compliments or hearing how he feels is great, and he should definitely express he cares for you, but be careful if that brings a smile to your heart more than knowing God, who created you, loves you more and thinks you’re far more beautiful than any man could.

3. Be Encouraging

Since a godly girlfriend’s Christ-centered, she’s able to encourage her boyfriend in his relationship with God. It’s as simple as saying, “Ok, we’re going to end hanging out earlier tonight because I need time with God ” or “What’d you learn at church today?”

While the godly girlfriend encourages her boyfriend’s relationship with God, she doesn’t lead him in it or to it. He should already be actively going to church, not going just because she started taking him. She’s an encourager, not enforcer or leader (1 Thess.5:11; Rom. 1:12). He must have his own growing relationship with God.

Not only do godly girlfriends encourage their boyfriends spiritually but they also encourage them emotionally (Prov.14:1; 21:7). Guys need to know they’re respected. If your boyfriend gets a scholarship, a job promotion, or hits a home-run at his game, let him know you’re proud of him.

4. Be  Supportive

A good girlfriend supports his hobbies (Phil.2:4). Sports are a big part of my husband’s life so I knew that if I went to support him it would mean a lot. I didn’t always feel like going but because I cared about him, I went to support him.

Find out what your boyfriend’s interested in and support him. Play a video game with him sometimes. Listen to him practice the guitar. Whatever it is, show you care about the things that matter to him, not just what matters to you.

5. Be Independent.

A godly girlfriend not only has her own spiritual walk but also HER OWN LIFE. She doesn’t forget her friends or family when she gets a boyfriend. Instead, she keeps them close and makes time for them (Prov.11:14; Eccl. 4:9-10). Even in Song of Songs, the friends protected, encouraged, and held their beloved girl friend accountable.

She doesn’t throw away her own interests and desires. I was involved in Alex’s hobbies but I kept the things I loved. I went to his games and he went to my tennis tournaments. Don’t forget, your interests and hobbies make you unique and special.

A godly girlfriend keeps seeking God’s will for her life. Until I was engaged, I didn’t make my plans the same as Alex’s. I didn’t know if we were going to get married so I kept with the plans I knew the Lord had for me. I didn’t change my degree to match his or start planning on living where he was. I didn’t plan my life around him but around what I knew God had for me at that moment in my life (Prov. 3:5-6).

6. Be Nice

There’s things, like making dinner or folding laundry that didn’t start when I got married. There wasn’t a “Do good things for him” switch that automatically turned on once I said “I do.” It goes against my very nature as a sinful human. I had to start practicing beforehand.

While we were dating, when I went to Wal-Mart, I would pick up something Alex needed. I tried to actively think about him and his needs. You don’t have to be a good cook or skillful at anything to do something nice for your boyfriend. You just have to be thoughtful (Prov.31:12).

It comes down to is: Is Christ your first love? Do you date godly guys? Are you thoughtful of your boyfriend? When these 3 things are in check and God is the center of your dating life then the dating road will be a lot less bumpy. Of course, not every relationship will end in marriage but each one will be healthier, more God-honoring, and filled with a lot less regrets because God’s in control.

Related posts:

1. Book Blog 13: Clingy Girlfriend Syndrome
2. Can Bad Boys be Godly Men?
3. The Godly Girl’s Guide to Guys

1. Preserves Your Holiness.

God can only be in the presence of holiness and purity that’s why God says be holy and act as He does (1 Pet. 1:13).  When people look at you, they should see your holy Dad.  Sexual immorality, which is improper for God’s children(1 Cor. 6:13, 18, 20; Eph. 5), blurs your resemblance of God. So when you say, “God, I’m going to ignore your commands and my boyfriend and I are going to do what we want,” you reject Him and sin against your own body (1 Thess. 4:3-8), you reject holiness. God commands purity because it’s best for you and makes you more like Him.

2. Protects Your Reputation and the Gospel’s

The women in Titus taught the younger women how to be godly, to live in such a way that no one could say anything bad about them or Scripture (Titus 2:4-5). Self-control and purity are traits of a godly woman, a woman set apart for Christ. She loves God so much that she would rather live a holy, pure life than give in to temptations that only promise temporary pleasure. She wants to preserve her reputation, but more than anything, wants to uphold God’s.

Live in such a way that’s above reproach so there’s not even a whiff of sexual immorality in your life. If that means a couple is never alone but God’s temple is honored (1 Cor.6:19), so be it! If that means always keeping a door open if you’re in each other’s rooms but the Gospel is not maligned because of that, so be it! If that means waiting to kiss or hold hands for months after dating but no one can accuse you of any immorality, but instead they want to know your Lord and Savior, then so be it! What it comes down to is, which do you love more: yourself or Christ?

3. Protects Your Brother in Christ

Matt. 5:28 commands men to not check out women. I used to think that guys were SUPPOSED to check out girls, it was natural for them. But Christ says it’s the same as committing adultery. So what does that have to do with us?

If you knew you could save someone in your family from heartache and trouble, would you try as hard as you could to do so? Why wouldn’t you do the same for your spiritual brother?  The guy you date, if he’s a Christian, is your brother in Christ. You can protect him by not purposefully dressing in a way that he’ll want to check you out. A daughter of the King doesn’t intentionally want guys to check her out but cares for her brother by dressing in a way that glorifies God.

You also protect your brother when you act in way that does not cause him to stumble sexually. He could be pressuring you to do certain things and you are going along with him, or you could be pressuring him. Either way you’re not protecting him and you’re not protecting his future wife. You don’t know for sure if you both are meant to be together, but you do know he has a future wife. So live in such a way that protects everyone.

4. Preserves Yourself for Your Intended Spouse

His left hand is under my head and his right hand embraces me. O daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so pleases. – Song of Sol. 8:3-4

His left hand is under her head? His right hand embraces her? This bride in Song of Songs is now with her beloved, her husband. In a way, he’s snuggling her as his wife. She knows the joy of having been pure and the beauty of God’s intended plan. So she begs her sisters not to awaken love until it (God) desires, after marriage.

God does only good to His children.  When He says, “Do not awaken love until it so desires, flee and avoid sexual immorality,” God is saying, “I have something beautiful and wonderful intended for you, if you’ll follow my ways and stay pure.  The way I intended sex is only truly enjoyable within marriage.” He will NEVER withhold good from you, and if you trust God He’ll lead you down the right path and take care of you.

For my husband, he waited 8 years to kiss his future wife because he knew that every girl he dated was someone’s wife, but he didn’t know if they were going to be his wife. He didn’t want to kiss another man’s wife. So when we started dating, he waited six months, until God made it clear that I was going his wife, to kiss me. He saved that and never regretted it, but we’ve both regretted anything we did that didn’t preserve us for each other.

5. Protects Your Future Marriage

The consequences of pre-marriage sexual experiences carry over into marriage and you’ll have to deal with them. They don’t go away once you’re married. The past partners and experiences will come into your relationship with your husband. There’ll be insecurities on both sides: “Am I good enough? Is she comparing me to them?”

The world tells you, “You need to see if you’re compatible sexually. They might be the one, so go ahead.” But God says, “Trust me, I have someone for you and when you marry that person you won’t regret saving yourself. If you don’t, when you finally marry, you’ll have wished with everything in you that you had waited and kept your marriage bed undefiled (Heb. 13:4).” A wise person once told me, “You’ll never regret taking it slow in relationships, but you’ll always regret going too fast.”

God laid out a plan in Scripture and gave you the tools to protect yourself for sexual purity. Do you trust Him when He says, “Wait!”? If you’ve doubted His plan before and given into temptation, you probably know the pain it brings. God is saying to you, “Come back and I will comfort you. It’s never too late.” There’s always forgiveness with the Lord, no matter what you’ve done in your past. You can’t out-sin His grace. If you haven’t strayed from God’s will in this area, stay strong! You will never regret it! God isn’t a liar; He is complete goodness, so trust His plan!

Related posts:

1. Sexual Purity Starts at Seven
2. Wise vs. Wild Contrast #10: Sexual Conduct