Take the T-shirt a friend of mine spotted for sale in Target, for example. In large, garish print designed to splash across a girl’s developing breasts the T-shirt proclaims, “Who needs boys, I can WIN by myself!”

Just think about it for a moment. On the surface, the slogan seems to encourage a girl to develop a healthy self-respect and avoid getting enmeshed in dependent relationships.  But there’s an underlying message here. The slogan insinuates that men are inferior, and that they are expendable. It fosters an unhealthy, independent, a-woman-needs-a-man-like-a-fish-needs-a-bicycle, type of attitude.

Honestly, what would you think would happen if Target started selling a boy’s shirt that spouted: “Who needs GIRLS, I can WIN by myself”? Can you imagine the outrage?

Power and Independence

Today’s young woman is taught to value personal power and independence. She can WIN! She doesn’t need men. Indeed, in order to truly win, she must do so without them. Men are the bad guys. They’re the ones who stand in the way of a woman reaching her full potential. They’re the optional and disposable piece in a woman’s life. Independence is the highly prized and sought after trait that will guarantee her success. So she approaches relationships with the resolve to retain her autonomy at all costs.

Even in Christian circles, we cultivate an attitude of independence in our girls. The underlying message is that women need to be independent because men are untrustworthy, and will almost certainly let them down.

But can a woman truly “win” in a world without men? Is she better off without ties to a godly father, uncle, cousin, husband, or brother? Will she succeed when she fiercely exerts her autonomy and regards and treats men as non-essential? Will this attitude actually enhance her relationships and her life?

I think not.

Independence versus Interdependence

God created the two sexes to be interdependent—not dependent, codependent, or independent. This is the case in marriage, and is also the case in the general way the sexes interact with one another. Scripture actually cautions us against adopting an independent attitude:

“In the Lord, however, woman is not independent of man, and man is not independent of woman. For just as woman came from man, so man comes through woman and all things come from God.” (1 Corinthians 11:11-12)

God did not create male and female to operate independently. In this game called life, we’re players on the same team. We’re “heirs together of the grace of life.”

You will do your daughter a disservice if you teach her to be fiercely independent. It’s not a biblical perspective, and it’s not good for her.  Yes, you should teach her to guard against unhealthy relationships, and not to look to men for her source of identity.  But at the same time, you should be careful to teach her to respect men, to encourage and speak well of them, and to value and welcome the contribution that they can make to her life.

I understand that there are some scum-bags out there. I understand that your daughter may never get married. Or that her spouse might ditch her. Scripture provides an answer to these potential situations.  It teaches that God has a special spot in His heart for women who don’t have dads or husbands. It promises that in such situations, He will be their father or husband.

We Need Each Other

Women need men. Even those who will never have a boyfriend or husband need men. Do not buy into culture’s idea that men are unnecessary. Do not teach your daughter to be independent of men. Do not teach her to devalue men and write them off as inconsequential to her life.  We need men. We need them to be the fathers, brothers, husbands, protectors, providers, and heroes God created them to be. Being interdependent and having healthy relationships with males enriches a woman’s life. To truly “win”, women and men need to function interdependently.

It may be true that a fish doesn’t need a bicycle. But it doesn’t follow that women don’t need men.  Gloria Steinem clearly got it wrong. After all, women aren’t fish, and men aren’t bicycles.

What do you think?

How does an attitude of independence negatively impact male-female relationships?  Why do you think women fear losing their independence? How can women avoid becoming dependent, co-dependent, and independent, and foster a healthy interdependence instead?

Related posts:

1. Men Are Weak…Women Are Machines
2. Where are the Young Men?
3. Can Bad Boys be Godly Men?

1. Give him Valentines by the Dozens:

Buy a box of cute kid’s valentines–Mickey Mouse, Buzz Lightyear, Cinderella, or whatever. Sign the back of each valentine. Place them where your sweetheart will find them throughout the day—on the mirror, in the fridge, on dashboard of the car, in a briefcase, tucked in a Bible, etc. Hide a few so your loved one will keep finding valentines cards for days.

2. Pack a Valentine’s Picnic:

Pack a picnic lunch for your sweetheart. Throw in some candles, a red table cloth, and some beautiful wine goblets. Have a picnic with him in his office, at a park, or on a roof top … use your imagination.

3. Burn a Personal CD:

Compile and burn all your favorite tunes and love songs on a CD. Create and print a customized cover from a kit you purchase at an office supply store.

4. Make a Romantic Jigsaw:

Write a love letter, poem, or song on one side of a heavy piece of cardstock.  Paste a favorite photo or collage of photos on the other side. Cut the message into jigsaw puzzle pieces that he needs to put together before he can read it.

5.  Create a Crossword Puzzle:

Make a crossword puzzle of your history together as a couple. For example, you could include the place you met, the name of a favorite song, a restaurant you often dine at, memorable events and occasions, gifts you exchanged, favorite activities, etc. To help you put the crossword together, visit http://www.supercrosswordcreator.com

6. Name a Star:

Name a Star after your sweetheart and then view your star online using a robotically controlled telescope at   http://www.nameastarlive.com/

7. Leave a Message on the Lawn:

Let the whole neighborhood know how much you love your guy. Stamp a message in the snow and tint it with red food coloring. No snow?  Purchase some Athletic Field Marker Spray in red or white for about $7 a can and paint a big valentine message on the grass.

8. Celebrate 12 Days of Valentine’s:

We have 12 days of Christmas, so why not 12 days of Valentine’s? Starting on Valentine’s Day, give your sweetheart 1 small gift.  On day 2, surprise him with 2 small items. For example: 2 coupons, 3 love songs, 4 heart-shaped cookies, 5 love poems, 6 car fresheners, 7 balloons, “I Love You” in 8 languages, 9 message heart candies, 10 reasons why you love him, 11 Hershey kisses, 12 cupcakes. You get the idea.

9. Hang some love on a Valentine’s Tree:

Gather some branches and put them in a jar.  Cut out heart-shaped notes and hang them from the branches.  Also hang chocolates and other treats from the tree.

10.  Jar of Affection:

Decorate a large jar with valentines. Fill the jar with folded pieces of paper—coupons—for “treats” such as a kiss, a back rub, breakfast in bed, coffee at starbucks, candles with dinner, etc. Your sweetheart gets to draw one coupon out each day until they are gone.

 Celebrate Valentine’s Day All Year

Why confine the celebration to one day? Take advantage of Valentine’s season by heading down to the dollar store and stocking up on inexpensive wrapping paper, valentine’s décor and heart-emblazoned trinkets so that you can show your sweetie how much you love him throughout the year.

Do you have any great low-budget Valentine Ideas to share? I’d love for you to leave a comment and add to the list.

Related posts:

1. Whole Woman Day – Raleigh
2. Calling all Men on International Women’s Day

Recently, I hit the street near Notre Dame University, and asked college-aged girls what they thought about flirting:

[If you cannot see the embedded video, you can click here to watch it]

Is flirting really just a game? Everyone’s doing it! Our culture upholds it as innocent fun—even the five-year olds in the toddler beauty pageants are taught how to playfully writhe and pose in a seductive way.

More than Just a Game

The Sage Father warns his son about women who try to capture guys with their “eyelashes”—that is, with their flirtatious, coy glances. (Prov. 6:25) And in Isaiah, the Lord soundly rebukes His daughters for their provocative body language—outstretched necks, wanton looks, wiggling hips, and mincing feet. (Isaiah 3:16)

The New Testament repeatedly identifies “sensuality” as a sin (Gal. 5:19, Rom. 13:13, Mark 7:21-23, 1 Pet. 4:3). It’s a behavior that Christians are to repent of and turn from (2 Cor. 12:21). Seductive body language could have been one of the sins Paul had in mind when he told the believers in Ephesus, “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality or of any kind of impurity… because these are improper for God’s holy people.” (Eph. 5:3)

What’s the big deal? What’s the problem with flirting and showing off your womanly wares? You might defend your flirtatious behavior by claiming that you don’t intend to seduce a man to have sex—you’re just playing and are not really serious.  But suggestive body language implies or hints at something improper. A woman who gives any man (other than her husband) a “come-and-get-me” look is effect telling a lie. She is thumbing her nose at God by hinting that illicit sex is desirable and exciting.  She is sinning by willfully enticing a man’s thoughts away from the path of virtue.  Body language that implies or hints at a wrongful sexual act is just as offensive to God as performing that sexual act.

Not Even a Hint

The Bible’s perspective on the sin of sensuality includes more than just the type of seduction that leads to illicit sex. Seduction is ANY behavior that purposefully leads another person in the wrong direction.  It’s any behavior that falsely hints that evil is desirable or exciting.  It’s any behavior that entices someone to think about something improper. Even if she’s just playing, the woman who turns on her sexual charm clearly wants men to think that sex with her is an alluring idea.  That’s seduction.  And that’s sin.

Nowadays, Christian teachers routinely address the problem of sexual sin in regards to men looking at porn and lusting after women, but they rarely address the problem of women inviting men to lust with flirtatious, provocative body language.

The disciples were aghast at the seemingly impossible standards Christ upheld. Jesus told the guys that looking at a woman lustfully was just as sinful as having sex with her.  So I’m sure He’d tell you that giving the look to the stranger across the room is just as sinful as jumping into bed with him.

There’s no getting around it.  The woman who deliberately sends the invitation to look and think about sex is just as guilty as the man who accepts it.

Keep Your Body Language Holy

But is ALL flirting wrong?

Body language is part of the romantic “dance” between a couple.  The glances, the smiles, and the playful interaction are important elements that signal interest and move the relationship along. Nonverbal communication is an important part of all face-to-face interaction. Some psychologists say that it conveys 55 percent of the overall message.  The point of paying attention to our body language is not to get rid of body language, but to make sure that what we say with our bodies is just as holy as what we say with our mouths.

What do you think?

• Is the idea that women should be careful about flirting outdated and prudish?
• How can you tell when your body language crosses the line from sending an “I’m interested in you” message to sending a “Wouldn’t it be fun to have sex with me?” message?
• Do you agree or disagree that “the woman who deliberately sends the invitation to look and think about sex is just as guilty as the man who accepts it.”?
• Is flirting ever okay?

(The video above is one of the dozens of sh0rt “conversation-teaser” videos on the Girls Gone Wise DVD)

Related posts:

1. Book Blog 8: Flirt to Convert
2. Wild vs. Wild Contrast #8: Body Language
3. Book Blog 10: How Far is Too Far?

I say “apparently” because I didn’t watch the show. I’m not a big Bachelor fan. But it’s tough to go anywhere these days without overhearing girls rehashing the program, and arguing over who should and shouldn’t be the next to be denied a rose.

The guys aren’t as crazy about the series.

Besides the fact that there are no guns, car chases, or buildings blowing up, they have a hard time tolerating all the drama. Each episode documents how Ben’s hopefuls pull out all the stops to “catch” him. They bait and scheme, and use all their wiles to reel him in. He is party to the game, and takes advantage of their seductive efforts. The drama, manipulation, behind-the-scenes back-stabbing, and bait-and-reel is admittedly what makes the show so entertaining.

Fly-Fishing and Man-Fishing

The fly-fishing/man-fishing analogy is actually quite apt. The bachelor thinks he’s the one doing the fishing, but in reality, it’s the women baiting their hooks and throwing out their lines . . .  They use sexual manipulation, emotional manipulation, verbal manipulation, and circumstantial manipulation to snag and reel him in.

A wise father once instructed his son to avoid crafty women. He told him that being snared by a wily woman, (“whose heart is a trap and whose hands are chains”), is a fate “more bitter than death.” He warned him that “The man who pleases God will escape her, but the sinner she will ensnare.”  (Ecclesiastes 7:26)

The Problem with Bait-and-Reel

The problem with a manipulative approach to male-female relationships is that it ultimately backfires. Dangling yourself out like bait to hook a man isn’t just bad for the guy who gets caught in your trap; it’s also bad for YOU. It’s a foolish strategy. In the end, it doesn’t deliver. You’ll end up selling out to sin and having a partner that you have to restrain like a dog on a leash. He’ll become immune and resentful of your attempts to manipulate and control his behavior. The relationship will inevitably deteriorate.

A Wild Thing uses a fly-fishing approach toward relationships, but a Wise Thing rejects the worldly idea that in order to get a guy, a girls needs to manipulatively toss out the bait and reel him in. She seeks to be godly, above-board, unpretentious, and without guile in her relationships with men.

Watch this short video to see how young Christian men feel about a woman hanging out the bait:

(If your browser doesn’t display the embedded video, click here to watch it.)

This video clip is one of dozens of short discussion-provoking videos on the NEW Girls Gone Wise DVD.

What do you think about the bait-and-reel method?

I’m giving away a free video!  To enter the draw, leave a comment about what you think about the bait-and-reel method of catching a guy or what you thought about what the guys said on the video.

You could also Facebook, tweet, or share  your thoughts on social media. (@GirlsGoneWise) We’ll collect all the social media buzz  and make a Draw on Wednesday, January 25, 2012 at 12 noon PST)

Related posts:

1. Book Blog 3: Are you a Wily Coyote?
2. Man Whisperer vs. True Woman
3. Betty Boop Man-Training Kit

1. Empty toilet paper roll fight

Overhang or underhang is just the start of it. An empty toilet paper roll can be a sign of so many other things that get left undone in the daily life of a marriage: socks that never make it to the hamper, phone calls that don’t get returned, dry cleaning that doesn’t get picked up, or stranded coffee mugs left in the sink for the other partner to wash. Whether due to a difference in personal tendency to be neat or messy or chronic amnesia for life’s little details, these seemingly small, random things can add up.

2. TV watching fight

Fights over the remote aren’t just limited to kids. The location and size of the TV and amount of screen time consumed can make for a surprisingly contentious issue among grown-ups too. Whose TV-watching preferences reign supreme? Is it sports night or chick flick or quiet time with no TV on at all? The resentment that can build over who holds the remote can be a nightly source of irritation. If your partner has as a video game addiction (or worse) or logs too many hours on Facebook, squabbles over screen time can lead to bigger fights about priorities.

3. What to do on vacation fight

Sun or ski? Drive or fly? One star or four star? A family trip with the kids or a couple-only vacation? Once you start to plan a relaxing and rejuvenating vacation, you may need a vacation just to get over the stress of planning.

4. I need me-time fight

Whether it’s a run to the gym, girls’ nights out, boys’ nights out or even longer trips away – finding some “me” in the middle of a “we” can be difficult to negotiate without hurting feelings. Who gets more time off? It always feels like the other person.

5. Your family bugs me fight

You thought it was a good idea to marry a mama’s boy and now you don’t want to fight for his attention. Or maybe you always feel judged by your spouse’s parents, or what your spouse considers close and nurturing feels a whole lot more like suffocation to you. Mother-in-law jokes sure don’t seem as funny when they’re all about yours!

6. Whose holiday tradition fight

Our own personal holiday traditions frame how we enjoy and celebrate special holidays. But since no two families are alike it can be tough to blend those loved traditions. Christmas morning can be a stressful time if one person has always opened presents at midnight but the other is used to waiting for daybreak. Holiday dinners can be contentious if one is used to long ritualistic events with family but the other likes to eat and get it over with (or, horrors, can’t stand turkey).

7. You’re working too much fight

Coordinating work schedules in the modern age requires both a spreadsheet expert and a relationship coach. There is nothing like sitting at home eating dinner by yourself because your spouse had to finish that report or go to one last meeting. Having your partner physically present but with one eye on the smartphone is not much better; attending a parent-teacher meeting with one parent in the hallway talking on the phone is just plain embarrassing. Trying to balance work schedules and family life is really about priorities, and no one wants to feel like they take second seat to work.

8. How to bring up the kids fight

Parents all come with their own thoughts, ideas and baggage when it comes to how to raise the kids and you and your spouse may not always be aligned. Everything from child care and schooling to how much to spend on the kids’ clothes can be loaded issues.

9. Sex (or lack thereof) fight

Even relationship-bonding sexual intimacy can be a source of stress, especially if the couple has mismatched levels of sexual desire. When a couple is fighting about sex, even the simplest signs of affection become loaded with deeper meaning.

10. Spending money fight

Somehow squabbles about other topics often lead back to a fight about money – especially when one partner is a spendthrift and one is a spender. Fighting about the cost of shoes or new TVs can lead to a more hurtful discussion about the feelings of value in the relationship, and differing values about money can jeopardize your financial future.

Let’s make it Scientific (sort of)

Did MSN get it right? I thought it would be fun to make it a bit more scientific by actually taking a poll. What do you squabble about most in your relationship? Pick your top 3, then click on the link to view the results.

What do you think about the MSN list or about our poll results? Are there any fights not listed here that are unique to Christian couples?

Related posts:

1. The Case Against Marriage
2. Better-than-Seinfeld Marriage Advice
3. A Top-Secret-John-Piper-Family Recipe Just In Time For Christmas