Recently, I hit the street near Notre Dame University, and asked college-aged girls what they thought about flirting:

[If you cannot see the embedded video, you can click here to watch it]

Is flirting really just a game? Everyone’s doing it! Our culture upholds it as innocent fun—even the five-year olds in the toddler beauty pageants are taught how to playfully writhe and pose in a seductive way.

More than Just a Game

The Sage Father warns his son about women who try to capture guys with their “eyelashes”—that is, with their flirtatious, coy glances. (Prov. 6:25) And in Isaiah, the Lord soundly rebukes His daughters for their provocative body language—outstretched necks, wanton looks, wiggling hips, and mincing feet. (Isaiah 3:16)

The New Testament repeatedly identifies “sensuality” as a sin (Gal. 5:19, Rom. 13:13, Mark 7:21-23, 1 Pet. 4:3). It’s a behavior that Christians are to repent of and turn from (2 Cor. 12:21). Seductive body language could have been one of the sins Paul had in mind when he told the believers in Ephesus, “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality or of any kind of impurity… because these are improper for God’s holy people.” (Eph. 5:3)

What’s the big deal? What’s the problem with flirting and showing off your womanly wares? You might defend your flirtatious behavior by claiming that you don’t intend to seduce a man to have sex—you’re just playing and are not really serious.  But suggestive body language implies or hints at something improper. A woman who gives any man (other than her husband) a “come-and-get-me” look is effect telling a lie. She is thumbing her nose at God by hinting that illicit sex is desirable and exciting.  She is sinning by willfully enticing a man’s thoughts away from the path of virtue.  Body language that implies or hints at a wrongful sexual act is just as offensive to God as performing that sexual act.

Not Even a Hint

The Bible’s perspective on the sin of sensuality includes more than just the type of seduction that leads to illicit sex. Seduction is ANY behavior that purposefully leads another person in the wrong direction.  It’s any behavior that falsely hints that evil is desirable or exciting.  It’s any behavior that entices someone to think about something improper. Even if she’s just playing, the woman who turns on her sexual charm clearly wants men to think that sex with her is an alluring idea.  That’s seduction.  And that’s sin.

Nowadays, Christian teachers routinely address the problem of sexual sin in regards to men looking at porn and lusting after women, but they rarely address the problem of women inviting men to lust with flirtatious, provocative body language.

The disciples were aghast at the seemingly impossible standards Christ upheld. Jesus told the guys that looking at a woman lustfully was just as sinful as having sex with her.  So I’m sure He’d tell you that giving the look to the stranger across the room is just as sinful as jumping into bed with him.

There’s no getting around it.  The woman who deliberately sends the invitation to look and think about sex is just as guilty as the man who accepts it.

Keep Your Body Language Holy

But is ALL flirting wrong?

Body language is part of the romantic “dance” between a couple.  The glances, the smiles, and the playful interaction are important elements that signal interest and move the relationship along. Nonverbal communication is an important part of all face-to-face interaction. Some psychologists say that it conveys 55 percent of the overall message.  The point of paying attention to our body language is not to get rid of body language, but to make sure that what we say with our bodies is just as holy as what we say with our mouths.

What do you think?

• Is the idea that women should be careful about flirting outdated and prudish?
• How can you tell when your body language crosses the line from sending an “I’m interested in you” message to sending a “Wouldn’t it be fun to have sex with me?” message?
• Do you agree or disagree that “the woman who deliberately sends the invitation to look and think about sex is just as guilty as the man who accepts it.”?
• Is flirting ever okay?

(The video above is one of the dozens of sh0rt “conversation-teaser” videos on the Girls Gone Wise DVD)

Related posts:

1. Book Blog 8: Flirt to Convert
2. Wild vs. Wild Contrast #8: Body Language
3. Book Blog 10: How Far is Too Far?

I say “apparently” because I didn’t watch the show. I’m not a big Bachelor fan. But it’s tough to go anywhere these days without overhearing girls rehashing the program, and arguing over who should and shouldn’t be the next to be denied a rose.

The guys aren’t as crazy about the series.

Besides the fact that there are no guns, car chases, or buildings blowing up, they have a hard time tolerating all the drama. Each episode documents how Ben’s hopefuls pull out all the stops to “catch” him. They bait and scheme, and use all their wiles to reel him in. He is party to the game, and takes advantage of their seductive efforts. The drama, manipulation, behind-the-scenes back-stabbing, and bait-and-reel is admittedly what makes the show so entertaining.

Fly-Fishing and Man-Fishing

The fly-fishing/man-fishing analogy is actually quite apt. The bachelor thinks he’s the one doing the fishing, but in reality, it’s the women baiting their hooks and throwing out their lines . . .  They use sexual manipulation, emotional manipulation, verbal manipulation, and circumstantial manipulation to snag and reel him in.

A wise father once instructed his son to avoid crafty women. He told him that being snared by a wily woman, (“whose heart is a trap and whose hands are chains”), is a fate “more bitter than death.” He warned him that “The man who pleases God will escape her, but the sinner she will ensnare.”  (Ecclesiastes 7:26)

The Problem with Bait-and-Reel

The problem with a manipulative approach to male-female relationships is that it ultimately backfires. Dangling yourself out like bait to hook a man isn’t just bad for the guy who gets caught in your trap; it’s also bad for YOU. It’s a foolish strategy. In the end, it doesn’t deliver. You’ll end up selling out to sin and having a partner that you have to restrain like a dog on a leash. He’ll become immune and resentful of your attempts to manipulate and control his behavior. The relationship will inevitably deteriorate.

A Wild Thing uses a fly-fishing approach toward relationships, but a Wise Thing rejects the worldly idea that in order to get a guy, a girls needs to manipulatively toss out the bait and reel him in. She seeks to be godly, above-board, unpretentious, and without guile in her relationships with men.

Watch this short video to see how young Christian men feel about a woman hanging out the bait:

(If your browser doesn’t display the embedded video, click here to watch it.)

This video clip is one of dozens of short discussion-provoking videos on the NEW Girls Gone Wise DVD.

What do you think about the bait-and-reel method?

I’m giving away a free video!  To enter the draw, leave a comment about what you think about the bait-and-reel method of catching a guy or what you thought about what the guys said on the video.

You could also Facebook, tweet, or share  your thoughts on social media. (@GirlsGoneWise) We’ll collect all the social media buzz  and make a Draw on Wednesday, January 25, 2012 at 12 noon PST)

Related posts:

1. Man Whisperer vs. True Woman
2. Book Blog 3: Are you a Wily Coyote?
3. God Created MAN

1. Empty toilet paper roll fight

Overhang or underhang is just the start of it. An empty toilet paper roll can be a sign of so many other things that get left undone in the daily life of a marriage: socks that never make it to the hamper, phone calls that don’t get returned, dry cleaning that doesn’t get picked up, or stranded coffee mugs left in the sink for the other partner to wash. Whether due to a difference in personal tendency to be neat or messy or chronic amnesia for life’s little details, these seemingly small, random things can add up.

2. TV watching fight

Fights over the remote aren’t just limited to kids. The location and size of the TV and amount of screen time consumed can make for a surprisingly contentious issue among grown-ups too. Whose TV-watching preferences reign supreme? Is it sports night or chick flick or quiet time with no TV on at all? The resentment that can build over who holds the remote can be a nightly source of irritation. If your partner has as a video game addiction (or worse) or logs too many hours on Facebook, squabbles over screen time can lead to bigger fights about priorities.

3. What to do on vacation fight

Sun or ski? Drive or fly? One star or four star? A family trip with the kids or a couple-only vacation? Once you start to plan a relaxing and rejuvenating vacation, you may need a vacation just to get over the stress of planning.

4. I need me-time fight

Whether it’s a run to the gym, girls’ nights out, boys’ nights out or even longer trips away – finding some “me” in the middle of a “we” can be difficult to negotiate without hurting feelings. Who gets more time off? It always feels like the other person.

5. Your family bugs me fight

You thought it was a good idea to marry a mama’s boy and now you don’t want to fight for his attention. Or maybe you always feel judged by your spouse’s parents, or what your spouse considers close and nurturing feels a whole lot more like suffocation to you. Mother-in-law jokes sure don’t seem as funny when they’re all about yours!

6. Whose holiday tradition fight

Our own personal holiday traditions frame how we enjoy and celebrate special holidays. But since no two families are alike it can be tough to blend those loved traditions. Christmas morning can be a stressful time if one person has always opened presents at midnight but the other is used to waiting for daybreak. Holiday dinners can be contentious if one is used to long ritualistic events with family but the other likes to eat and get it over with (or, horrors, can’t stand turkey).

7. You’re working too much fight

Coordinating work schedules in the modern age requires both a spreadsheet expert and a relationship coach. There is nothing like sitting at home eating dinner by yourself because your spouse had to finish that report or go to one last meeting. Having your partner physically present but with one eye on the smartphone is not much better; attending a parent-teacher meeting with one parent in the hallway talking on the phone is just plain embarrassing. Trying to balance work schedules and family life is really about priorities, and no one wants to feel like they take second seat to work.

8. How to bring up the kids fight

Parents all come with their own thoughts, ideas and baggage when it comes to how to raise the kids and you and your spouse may not always be aligned. Everything from child care and schooling to how much to spend on the kids’ clothes can be loaded issues.

9. Sex (or lack thereof) fight

Even relationship-bonding sexual intimacy can be a source of stress, especially if the couple has mismatched levels of sexual desire. When a couple is fighting about sex, even the simplest signs of affection become loaded with deeper meaning.

10. Spending money fight

Somehow squabbles about other topics often lead back to a fight about money – especially when one partner is a spendthrift and one is a spender. Fighting about the cost of shoes or new TVs can lead to a more hurtful discussion about the feelings of value in the relationship, and differing values about money can jeopardize your financial future.

Let’s make it Scientific (sort of)

Did MSN get it right? I thought it would be fun to make it a bit more scientific by actually taking a poll. What do you squabble about most in your relationship? Pick your top 3, then click on the link to view the results.

What do you think about the MSN list or about our poll results? Are there any fights not listed here that are unique to Christian couples?

Related posts:

1. The Case Against Marriage
2. Better-than-Seinfeld Marriage Advice
3. A Top-Secret-John-Piper-Family Recipe Just In Time For Christmas

Every bride desires to look beautiful for her groom. And every groom desires to admire his bride’s beauty. The focal point of preparation for a wedding revolves around a bride’s efforts to make herself as attractive as possible for her groom. It culminates in the moment when the groom sees his bride dressed in splendor, standing by his side, ready to be wed.

The King Desires Your Beauty

Psalm 45 is a song celebrating the marriage of a Hebrew King to a foreign Princess. But it’s also a messianic prophecy pointing to the relationship between Christ the King and His Church-Bride. The Bride in the Royal Wedding Song is described as “all-glorious.” She and her attendants make every possible effort to ensure that she looks spectacular for the big day:

“All glorious is the princess in her chamber, with robes interwoven with gold. In many-colored robes she is led to the king, with her virgin companions following behind her. With joy and gladness they are led along as they enter the palace of the king.”

A Bride makes herself as beautiful as she can for her Bridegroom. And the groom expects and anticipates that she will do this for him. The wedding psalmist declares to the Bride: “The king desires your beauty!” (Psalm 45:11)

Scripture uses the imagery of a bride adorning herself for her groom to illustrate how we are to make ourselves beautiful for our King. The Lord wants us to clothe ourselves in fine, spotless garments of righteousness—in holy character and holy deeds. Our King greatly desires our beauty. He expects that we will prepare and make ourselves ready. He longs for the moment we will stand by His side, ready for the wedding of the Lamb. (Revelation 19:7—8)

Dress to Impress

I’m amazed when I think that God created manhood, womanhood and marriage as an object lesson about His character and plan. I’m amazed that He wrote the parable directly on human flesh—that He penned the divine story directly on my body, and yours. I’m amazed that the illustration has been inscribed on each of the millions and billions of women and men that have ever lived. I’m overwhelmed with wonder each time I witness a wedding, and see how the Bride has adorned herself for her groom, and when I think of the great Love Story to which all earthly love stories point.

The fuss over the Royal Wedding and the bridal gown of Her Royal Highness, the Duchess of Cambridge, reminds me of these cosmic truths all over again. It challenges me to consider whether I am making myself ready for the big day. Am I clothing myself in a spectacular, spotless wedding gown, resplendent with the holiness of Jesus? Am I making every effort, as God’s chosen one, holy and beloved, to “put on” compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, patience, forgiveness, and love toward others? (Colossians 3:12-14) Are you?

Because our preparation for our debut at the Royal Wedding is important. The King desires our beauty. He wants us to dress to impress. He wants us to say YES to the dress—and to look amazing for that much anticipated Day!

Related posts:

1. The Royal Wedding

“Dearly Beloved; we are gathered here in the sight of God and in the face of this congregation to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony—which is an honorable estate, instituted by God Himself, signifying to us the mystical union that is betwixt Christ and His Church . . .”

I wonder how many observers caught the depth of meaning in those opening words. That one sentence contains some profound, staggering truths about marriage and the meaning of manhood and womanhood and sex.

The traditional opening to the marriage ceremony acknowledges that marriage isn’t a man-made institution. It was instituted by God Himself. He’s the author of marriage, and therefore, He alone defines what marriage is all about.

The Reason God Created Marriage

The opening states that the reason God created male and female and marriage was to “signify” to us “the mystical union between Christ and His Church.” When God described the work of His Son as the sacrifice of a husband for his bride, He was telling us the ultimate reason why He made us male and female, and why He created marriage and sex. Christ and His Bride is the reason.

God created manhood, womanhood, marriage and sex because He wanted us to have symbols, images, and language powerful enough to convey the idea of who He is and what a relationship with Him is all about. Without manhood, womanhood, marriage and sex, we would have a tough time understanding concepts such as desire, love, commitment, fidelity, infidelity, loyalty, jealousy, unity, intimacy, oneness, covenant, and family. We would have a tough time understanding God and the gospel. God gave us these images so that we would have human thoughts, feelings, experiences and language adequate and powerful enough to understand and express deep spiritual truths. The visible symbols display and testify about what is unseen. That’s why the symbols are so very important.

Marriage puts the Gospel on Display

Human sexuality is a parable —a testimony to the character of God and to His spectacular plan of redemption through Jesus. This spiritual truth is so magnificent that God chose to put it on display permanently. Everywhere. Men were created to reflect the strength, love and self-sacrifice of Christ. Women were created to reflect the grace and beauty of the Bride He redeemed. God created marriage and sex to display the joining of Christ and the church in an indivisible covenant. History started with the covenant wedding and sexual union of a man and woman because it will end with the covenant wedding and spiritual union of Christ and His Bride. Marriage was created to tell the cosmic love story of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Marriage is Holy and Honorable

Finally, the introduction to the ceremony identifies matrimony as “a holy and honorable estate.” The Lord wants us to respect the deep, holy, sacred meaning of marriage, and uphold the sacredness of the sexual act. God intended that sex “seal the deal” of a marriage covenant. The physical union of a husband and wife illustrates—in the physical realm—that a permanent, legal, unbreakable covenant of love has been established in the spiritual realm.

The one-flesh union of husband and wife is to model and mimic cosmic truths about the mystical union between Christ and the Church. A covenant must be in place before any union can occur between God and man. The Lord wants us to tell this same story with our sexual conduct. Sex outside of a permanent, one-flesh, legal, heterosexual marriage covenant is a violation of God’s design. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”

The Royal Wedding

Last week’s Royal Wedding was a joyous event. I was so glad to hear the Officiate acknowledge—right up front—that as splendid as the marriage of William and Kate was, it pales in comparison with that to which it points. The guests in Westminster Cathedral, the millions of spectators on the streets of London, and the billions crouched around TV screens in nations all around the world were all “gathered in the sight of God” to witness the joining of another man and woman in holy matrimony—which is an honorable estate, instituted by God Himself, signifying to us the mystical union that is betwixt Christ and His Church.

I wonder how many got the real message.

Watch Opening Words of Marriage Ceremony

Related posts:

1. Book Blog 10: How Far is Too Far?
2. Wise vs. Wild Contrast #16: Reliability
3. Wise vs. Wild Contrast #10: Sexual Conduct