Girl-Gone-Wild: Positive Influence
Girl-Gone-Wise: Negative Influence

Girl-Gone-Wild: “She persuades him… she compels him. All at once he follows her, as an ox goes to the slaughter… he does not know that it will cost him his life.” Proverbs 7:21-23

Girl-Gone-Wise: “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” Proverbs 13:20

Negative influence is very powerful. Not only does the Bible want us to stop being a negative influence on others, it also wants us to avoid people who might exert a negative influence on us. The Sage says, “A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.”(Proverbs 12:26 niv) A Girl-Gone-Wise chooses her friends carefully. She does not take on just anybody as a friend. “Cautious” means that she “searches out” and “investigates” a person’s character. She knows that if she constantly and exclusively hangs out with people that don’t love the Lord, chances are they’ll have a greater influence on her than she will have on them. They will affect her negatively.

Paul warned the Christians in Corinth that hanging out with the wrong people would have a bad effect on their behavior. Just because they’d become Christians didn’t mean they were immune to negative influence. They were still susceptible. Paul cites a proverb that was in popular circulation in his day. His point is that everybody-even unbelievers-know that the saying is true. It’s common knowledge. The young believers shouldn’t be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.” (1 Corinthians 15:33)

Have you ever heard that saying? Or how about the one, “Tell me your friends, and I’ll tell you who you are”, or, “Birds of a feather stick together”, or, “A man is known by the company he keeps”? That last one was in a “Preparative to Marriage” book published in the year 1591: “If a man can be known by nothing els, then he maye bee known by his companions.”¹ (sic) The saying has endured for centuries. In 1967, recording artist Dolly Parton used it as the basis for her breakout hit, “The Company You Keep.”   

You say you’re doin’ nothing wrong
I don’t believe you are
I’m only trying to help you sis
Before you go too far
Cause I think you’re an angel
But folks think that you’re cheap
Cause you’re known by the company you keep

Please listen to your big sister
I feel I know what’s best for you
I feel that I must warn you sis
That’s the least that I could do
I’m not accusing you of anything
I know it’s fun you see
But you’re known by the company you keep

The company you keep keeps you out too long
Mom and dad don’t go to sleep until you get home
Sis, you’re gettin’ in too deep
You’d better look before you leap
Cause you’re known by the company you keep

Sis, you’re gettin’ in too deep
The road of life is steep
And you’re known by the company you keep.

(used with permission)

The lyrics indicate that it’s not just the little sister’s reputation the big sister is worried about. She’s worried that her little sister is “gettin’ in too deep.” She’s afraid that the friends are going to influence her little sister negatively, and make her stumble. Everyone knows that that’s usually the case. Not only are you known by the company you keep, you’re also shaped by the company you keep.

Paul was aware of the incredible power of negative influence. He told the Corinthians not to associate “with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler-not even to eat with such a one.” (1 Corinthians 5:11)

That’s pretty radical talk in our “I’m OK-You’re OK” culture. But Paul knew that the people who have the most negative influence on believers are other people in the community of faith who profess to follow Christ, but who are hypocrites. There’s less danger in associating with those who openly reject Jesus than those who claim to follow Him, but promote mediocrity and compromise.

It Won’t Happen to Me

The Sage Father said, “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.”(Proverbs 13:20) What’s really sad, is that later in life, he ended up going against his own advice. He started keeping the wrong kind of company. The women he associated with were a negative influence on him and turned his heart away from wholeheartedly following the Lord.

“Now King Solomon loved many foreign women . . . from the nations concerning which the Lord had said to the people of Israel, ‘You shall not enter into marriage with them, neither shall they with you, for surely they will turn away your heart after their gods.’ Solomon clung to these in love . . . And his wives turned away his heart. For when Solomon was old his wives turned away his heart after other gods, and his heart was not wholly true to the Lord his God, as was the heart of David his father . . . ^ And the Lord was angry with Solomon, because his heart had turned away from the Lord, the God of Israel, who had appeared to him twice and had commanded him concerning this thing, that he should not go after other gods. But he did not keep what the Lord commanded.” (1 Kings 11:1-10)

Solomon was probably tripped up by the classic, foolish assumption that “it won’t happen to me.”

I’m amazed at the number of women that think they are immune to the power of negative influence. They think they’re strong enough, and that they’ve walked with the Lord long enough, to be above the threat. So they start taking foolish risks in relationships. They let down their defenses, transgress boundaries, crash and burn-and then wonder how it happened to them.

Scripture repeatedly warns against the assumption that we are beyond being affected by negative influence. “Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.” (1 Corinthians 10:12) “Beware lest there be among you a root bearing poisonous and bitter fruit, one who. . . blesses himself in his heart, saying, ‘I shall be safe, though I walk in the stubbornness of my heart.’” (Deuteronomy 29:18-19)

If you are wise, you will walk in humble dependence on the Lord, and avoid people who exert negative influence. You’ll recognize that it could indeed happen to you, and that you are not beyond becoming a Girl-Gone-Wild . . .  not at any stage in life.

© Mary A. Kassian

This is a pre-publication excerpt from “Girls Gone Wise in a World gone Wild,” © Mary A. Kassian to be published by Moody Publishers in 2010. All rights reserved. You are welcome to link to this post, but please do not copy and/or reproduce this copyrighted material without express written permission of Moody Publishing.

What is loneliness? Ironically it’s not being alone. The strange thing about loneliness is that we feel it most intently when we are with people. Loneliness is the knowing in our heart that we were created to really, truly know each other in the deepest sense but we feel stuck with superficiality. I just have to tell you about this horrifying example because I think it demonstrates what I’m talking about.

I have a friend who was in a tragic car crash that killed her little seven-year old-daughter. People just didn’t know how to step out of superficial mode to comfort her and to really reach her heart. They felt uncomfortable with the reality of her situation. The most common statement people approached her with was, “So, I heard you really crushed your foot in that car accident.” Hey, people….her daughter was killed! She and I spent time talking about seemingly small things…the way her daughter left her panties on the floor all the time, the fact that Tarzan was her favorite movie, and that she loved horses. My friend confessed she didn’t know how to stop the hurt but because people didn’t want to talk about such simple but real things. She felt lonely most of the time.

Loneliness is most often triggered by a major painful event such as the divorce of parents, a major dating break-up, an illness or long hospitalization, the loss of a loved one, a broken friendship or a rejection from a group of people you trusted. Let’s face it: it’s hard to talk about a cake icing recipe or who is dating who when your heart is crushed by rejection or loss. You want to talk about real issues. We want to be known.

According to surveys, one of the three greatest fears of teen girls is that they will never be truly known and loved. I’m not sure we ever outgrow that, girls! Even Jesus experienced acute loneliness. His disciples forsook him and fled in his hour of greatest need. In that darkness of loneliness, Jesus confessed His unshaken confidence in the presence of God when he said, “You will leave Me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for My Father is with me.” (John 16:32)

Are you lonely? Is there someone close to you who is experiencing this excruciating alienation? Here’s how you might be able to tell.

1. Has there been a significant painful event in your life (or theirs) in the past twelve months? (Parent’s divorce, boyfriend’s rejection, etc.)
2. Do you/they zone out when people start talking about superficial things desiring to talk about “real” issues? (Perhaps you leave parties or see your friend leave them quietly.)
3. Do you feel painfully isolated when you are with people? (If being alone is comfortable for you but being with people makes you feel alone, you are probably experiencing loneliness.)
4. Do you cry often and feel sadness but still maintain productivity and efficiency? (Depression dampens ability to function. Loneliness does not. If you find yourself unable to perform, you should consider depression, which can occur if loneliness goes on too long.)

If you answered yes to all of the above, you may be experiencing loneliness on some level. We all experience it at some point of our life. It’s not a sin. (Remember, Jesus knew this emotion well.) But it’s not something God wants you to live with as a trait of your character. So, how do you relieve loneliness? That, my friend, is the great “secret of the Lord.”

In Psalm 25:14, God’s word calls his people “the secret of the Lord.” This isn’t a secret like you or I would know a secret. It’s a rich Hebrew phrase that was difficult to translate into our language. It portrays a tight-knit group of intimate friends; with unconditional trust; a company where weaknesses, strengths, successes and failures are shared. Oh, my friend, the pill to relieve our pain from loneliness isn’t one that we can swallow alone. We must all dive in to become the “secret of the Lord”-so tight knit that we talk about real things in real time. That means we take off the mask and be transparent so intimacy can grow and our friendships are so deep that they aid us in our times of deepest need.

If you are experiencing loneliness, I encourage you to call and friend and tell them what is REALLY going on in your life. If they can handle it, you’ll find the way out. If they can’t, find someone who can. Dive in to become “the secret of the Lord!”

© Dannah Gresh