Recently, I hit the street near Notre Dame University, and asked college-aged girls what they thought about flirting:

[If you cannot see the embedded video, you can click here to watch it]

Is flirting really just a game? Everyone’s doing it! Our culture upholds it as innocent fun—even the five-year olds in the toddler beauty pageants are taught how to playfully writhe and pose in a seductive way.

More than Just a Game

The Sage Father warns his son about women who try to capture guys with their “eyelashes”—that is, with their flirtatious, coy glances. (Prov. 6:25) And in Isaiah, the Lord soundly rebukes His daughters for their provocative body language—outstretched necks, wanton looks, wiggling hips, and mincing feet. (Isaiah 3:16)

The New Testament repeatedly identifies “sensuality” as a sin (Gal. 5:19, Rom. 13:13, Mark 7:21-23, 1 Pet. 4:3). It’s a behavior that Christians are to repent of and turn from (2 Cor. 12:21). Seductive body language could have been one of the sins Paul had in mind when he told the believers in Ephesus, “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality or of any kind of impurity… because these are improper for God’s holy people.” (Eph. 5:3)

What’s the big deal? What’s the problem with flirting and showing off your womanly wares? You might defend your flirtatious behavior by claiming that you don’t intend to seduce a man to have sex—you’re just playing and are not really serious.  But suggestive body language implies or hints at something improper. A woman who gives any man (other than her husband) a “come-and-get-me” look is effect telling a lie. She is thumbing her nose at God by hinting that illicit sex is desirable and exciting.  She is sinning by willfully enticing a man’s thoughts away from the path of virtue.  Body language that implies or hints at a wrongful sexual act is just as offensive to God as performing that sexual act.

Not Even a Hint

The Bible’s perspective on the sin of sensuality includes more than just the type of seduction that leads to illicit sex. Seduction is ANY behavior that purposefully leads another person in the wrong direction.  It’s any behavior that falsely hints that evil is desirable or exciting.  It’s any behavior that entices someone to think about something improper. Even if she’s just playing, the woman who turns on her sexual charm clearly wants men to think that sex with her is an alluring idea.  That’s seduction.  And that’s sin.

Nowadays, Christian teachers routinely address the problem of sexual sin in regards to men looking at porn and lusting after women, but they rarely address the problem of women inviting men to lust with flirtatious, provocative body language.

The disciples were aghast at the seemingly impossible standards Christ upheld. Jesus told the guys that looking at a woman lustfully was just as sinful as having sex with her.  So I’m sure He’d tell you that giving the look to the stranger across the room is just as sinful as jumping into bed with him.

There’s no getting around it.  The woman who deliberately sends the invitation to look and think about sex is just as guilty as the man who accepts it.

Keep Your Body Language Holy

But is ALL flirting wrong?

Body language is part of the romantic “dance” between a couple.  The glances, the smiles, and the playful interaction are important elements that signal interest and move the relationship along. Nonverbal communication is an important part of all face-to-face interaction. Some psychologists say that it conveys 55 percent of the overall message.  The point of paying attention to our body language is not to get rid of body language, but to make sure that what we say with our bodies is just as holy as what we say with our mouths.

What do you think?

• Is the idea that women should be careful about flirting outdated and prudish?
• How can you tell when your body language crosses the line from sending an “I’m interested in you” message to sending a “Wouldn’t it be fun to have sex with me?” message?
• Do you agree or disagree that “the woman who deliberately sends the invitation to look and think about sex is just as guilty as the man who accepts it.”?
• Is flirting ever okay?

(The video above is one of the dozens of sh0rt “conversation-teaser” videos on the Girls Gone Wise DVD)

Related posts:

1. Book Blog 8: Flirt to Convert
2. Wild vs. Wild Contrast #8: Body Language
3. Book Blog 10: How Far is Too Far?

Is It Becoming or Unbecoming?

Kosmio is the descriptive form of the Greek noun kosmos (to put in order, trim, adorn, or decorate), which is related to our English word cosmos—the universe. The Greeks regarded the universe to be an ordered, integrated, harmonious whole. Kosmos is the opposite of chaos. So when Paul told women that their adornment should be kosmio, he meant that like the universe, all the parts should be harmoniously arranged with the other parts. It should be “becoming”—that is, appropriate or fitting. Given the context, I believe Paul was implying that our adornment ought to be becoming on a number of different levels.

First and foremost, your clothing ought to be becoming, fitting to, and consistent with your character as a child of God. But it also ought to be becoming to your body type, becoming to your femininity, becoming to your husband, becoming to the other clothes you are wearing, and becoming to the occasion and place you intend to wear it. There’s a tremendous amount of guidance in that small word, becoming. It challenges you to evaluate your clothes, shoes, purses, makeup, and hair from multiple angles as part of the harmonious, integrated whole of your life—to line up the seen with the unseen and the temporal with the eternal. It challenges you to bring a cosmic perspective to bear on your everyday decisions.

I like the word Paul chose. It has enormous implications. Kosmio means that a Christian woman’s “look” ought to be consistently put together, inside and out. This challenges those who put an undue emphasis on external appearance as well as those who neglect their personal appearance. It’s a corrective to women who dress extravagantly. It’s a corrective to those who dress seductively. But it’s also a corrective to those who think that “holy” means frumpy, ugly, unfeminine, and out of style. Becoming indicates that running around in baggy jeans and T-shirts all the time is just as inappropriate as being obsessed with stylish clothing. It means that a woman’s appearance ought to be put together nicely. It ought to be pleasant and attractive—on the inside and the outside.

Is It Decent or Indecent?

The second word, aidous, is based on the Greek term for shame and disgrace. The word is a blend of modesty and humility. When I think about a word picture that personifies this concept, I think of approaching God with eyes that are downcast.

It involves a sense of deficiency, inferiority, or unworthiness. It suggests shame, but also a corresponding sense of reverence and honor toward rightful authority. It’s the opposite of insolence, imprudence, disrespect, or audacity. Downcast eyes are the opposite of defiant eyes.

So does dressing with your eyes downcast mean that you are self-conscious? No. It means that your clothing tells the truth about the gospel. Your clothing shows the world that Jesus covers your shame and makes you decent. Your clothes cover your nakedness as the clothing of Christ covers your sin.

Dressing “with eyes downcast” means that you choose clothes that are decent in His eyes . . . not clothes that are provocative, seductive, and that honor nakedness. When you dress decently, you recognize that God ordained clothes to cover, and not draw attention to, your naked skin. You cover up out of respect for Him, the gospel, your Christian brothers—and out of respect for who He made you to be. Decency means you agree with the Lord about the true purpose of clothing and set aside your self-interest to dress in a way that exalts Christ.

So in that dressing room trying on that skirt, take time to sit, bend, and stretch in front of that mirror, and ask yourself, Is this skirt decent? Does it do what it should do? Does it properly cover me up? Does it showcase my underlying nakedness—or exalt the gospel of Christ?

Is It Moderate or Excessive?

The final thing to ask yourself about clothing is whether it is moderate or excessive. Paul uses the Greek word sophrosunes. It means “of a sound mind; curbing one’s desires and impulses, self-controlled, temperate.” The word indicates that our adornment should be reasonable and not crazy. We ought to rein in our impulses and avoid extremes in fashion, hairstyles, and makeup. We also ought to avoid spending crazy amounts of money or stuffing our closets full of crazy quantities of clothing. We ought to govern our wardrobe choices with a sense of moderation, simplicity, and self-control. If the outfit is crazy extreme, crazy expensive, or if it’s crazy for you to be buying another one, then you ought to pass it up.

Understanding the purpose of clothing and asking yourself the three questions, Is it becoming? Is it decent? and Is it moderate? will help you figure out how to dress. And don’t forget to include your “Helper” in the process. The Holy Spirit is an invaluable source of assistance when it comes to figuring out whether or not your appearance glorifies God. If your heart is right and you seek His guidance, He will be your personal wardrobe consultant and teach you what and what not to wear.

© Moody Publishers. Adapted from Girls Gone Wise in a World Gone Wild, pp. 103-108.

Related posts:

1. Wear the Pants MAN-ifesto
2. Wise vs. Wild Contrast #7: Appearance
3. Book Blog 7: The Naked Truth about Clothes

“Dearly Beloved; we are gathered here in the sight of God and in the face of this congregation to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony—which is an honorable estate, instituted by God Himself, signifying to us the mystical union that is betwixt Christ and His Church . . .”

I wonder how many observers caught the depth of meaning in those opening words. That one sentence contains some profound, staggering truths about marriage and the meaning of manhood and womanhood and sex.

The traditional opening to the marriage ceremony acknowledges that marriage isn’t a man-made institution. It was instituted by God Himself. He’s the author of marriage, and therefore, He alone defines what marriage is all about.

The Reason God Created Marriage

The opening states that the reason God created male and female and marriage was to “signify” to us “the mystical union between Christ and His Church.” When God described the work of His Son as the sacrifice of a husband for his bride, He was telling us the ultimate reason why He made us male and female, and why He created marriage and sex. Christ and His Bride is the reason.

God created manhood, womanhood, marriage and sex because He wanted us to have symbols, images, and language powerful enough to convey the idea of who He is and what a relationship with Him is all about. Without manhood, womanhood, marriage and sex, we would have a tough time understanding concepts such as desire, love, commitment, fidelity, infidelity, loyalty, jealousy, unity, intimacy, oneness, covenant, and family. We would have a tough time understanding God and the gospel. God gave us these images so that we would have human thoughts, feelings, experiences and language adequate and powerful enough to understand and express deep spiritual truths. The visible symbols display and testify about what is unseen. That’s why the symbols are so very important.

Marriage puts the Gospel on Display

Human sexuality is a parable —a testimony to the character of God and to His spectacular plan of redemption through Jesus. This spiritual truth is so magnificent that God chose to put it on display permanently. Everywhere. Men were created to reflect the strength, love and self-sacrifice of Christ. Women were created to reflect the grace and beauty of the Bride He redeemed. God created marriage and sex to display the joining of Christ and the church in an indivisible covenant. History started with the covenant wedding and sexual union of a man and woman because it will end with the covenant wedding and spiritual union of Christ and His Bride. Marriage was created to tell the cosmic love story of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Marriage is Holy and Honorable

Finally, the introduction to the ceremony identifies matrimony as “a holy and honorable estate.” The Lord wants us to respect the deep, holy, sacred meaning of marriage, and uphold the sacredness of the sexual act. God intended that sex “seal the deal” of a marriage covenant. The physical union of a husband and wife illustrates—in the physical realm—that a permanent, legal, unbreakable covenant of love has been established in the spiritual realm.

The one-flesh union of husband and wife is to model and mimic cosmic truths about the mystical union between Christ and the Church. A covenant must be in place before any union can occur between God and man. The Lord wants us to tell this same story with our sexual conduct. Sex outside of a permanent, one-flesh, legal, heterosexual marriage covenant is a violation of God’s design. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”

The Royal Wedding

Last week’s Royal Wedding was a joyous event. I was so glad to hear the Officiate acknowledge—right up front—that as splendid as the marriage of William and Kate was, it pales in comparison with that to which it points. The guests in Westminster Cathedral, the millions of spectators on the streets of London, and the billions crouched around TV screens in nations all around the world were all “gathered in the sight of God” to witness the joining of another man and woman in holy matrimony—which is an honorable estate, instituted by God Himself, signifying to us the mystical union that is betwixt Christ and His Church.

I wonder how many got the real message.

Watch Opening Words of Marriage Ceremony

Related posts:

1. Book Blog 10: How Far is Too Far?
2. Wise vs. Wild Contrast #16: Reliability
3. Wise vs. Wild Contrast #10: Sexual Conduct

In the movie, Nina Sayers (Natalie Portman), a dancer, is chosen to compete for the lead role in the “Swan Lake” ballet. However, the lead must maintain an adequate portrayal of both the delicate, virtuous “white” Swan, and the evil, sensual “black” one. Nina’s precise technique makes her an ideal casting for the White Swan, but her director, Thomas, claims that she lacks the sexual passion for the latter role. When Thomas forces a kiss on her, her fierce response convinces him that she just might have the capacity for darkness, and he gives her the role.

The remainder of the movie chronicles Nina’s emerging awareness and experimentation with the dark side of her sexuality. The audience watches as she masturbates, hallucinates about having sex with her understudy, Lily, and envisions a three-some encounter with Thomas and Lily. As Nina gives way to her violent and passionate dark side, the white and black aspects of her personality battle with one another, but in the end, Nina is able to hold both together in the performance of her life. The film draws to a close with Nina staring up at the stage lights while whispering “I felt it. Perfect. I was perfect,” as the screen fades to white and the audience chants her name.

Now you may think that this is just a Hollywood movie, but the ideas about female sexuality it promotes are dangerous, and becoming more and more pervasive. Today, young women are inundated with the idea that they need to explore and discover their dark, seductive, sensual side through masturbation, pornography, same sex and/or multi-partner sex.  Until they do, they will remain frigid, undeveloped, and incomplete. Sexual experimentation is how a woman gets in touch with her power. Embracing both “darkness” and “light” brings out her true beauty. It is what made Nina “perfect.”

The lie is as old as time. Satan tricked the first woman into believing that “white” was boring… incomplete, lacking passion—and that “black” was beautiful, harmless, and oh-so-desirable. He convinced her that God’s rules were ridiculously restrictive, and that she’d attain a greater level of perfection by indulging in the forbidden fruit. The temptation to believe the lie was—and still is— incredibly powerful.

I have not seen the movie Black Swan — the storyline and graphic sexual images would not be healthy for my soul. But I know that many young Christian women have seen the movie, and have secretly been intrigued with thoughts of darkness, as the main character, Nina was. To all who are tempted to look, think about, or indulge in darkness, please DON’T!  Hollywood entices you to think that doing so will make you as beautiful as Natalie Portman’s Black Swan. But this could not be farther from the truth. Darkness mars the spectacular beauty of light. It turns white swans into messed-up, crippled, ugly ducklings. No woman is as dazzlingly attractive as the one who turns her back on darkness and passionately embraces the light.

In Black Swan, Portman presents the lie that embracing sexual darkness leads to beauty and perfection. And for this convincing act, I suppose Hollywood got it right. She probably does deserve an Oscar!

No related posts.

While browsing through Redbook’s December issue, I noticed they featured Christina Aguilera, who is recently separated from her husband and going through a painful divorce.  I was curious what she would say about relationships. Would she be bitter or brokenhearted? What would be her feelings about men? This says it all:

“Every woman has the ability or the drive to do it all and have it all. Men aren’t as strong and capable as we are. We’re machines.”

I was shocked at how blunt and demeaning to men she sounded but as I thought more, it wasn’t far off from the way mainstream culture is beginning to see men. In most sitcoms, the husband is the dumb, childish one and the wife holds it all together. Even in church, skits feature women having to be patient with their incompetent husbands who mess up everything and the wives have to fix the problem.

I’ve been as guilty as anyone. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked guys in my life to look for something and they’ll say, “It’s not here.”  I go look in the same spot, find it, and my thought is, “Just like a man not to be able to find anything. Women are so much better.”  I have to catch myself and think about what I’m saying. Women are beginning to do the same thing men did for thousands of years.

As women, we’re becoming like the misogynists we fought against. We’re becoming a female-dominant culture. For so long women fought for rights and equality and the battle was being won. Women can vote, run for Congress, own property and are encouraged to get the highest education possible. In 2008, women were 48 percent of the labor force and men 52 percent. In the church, women can teach other women now; some are even highly esteemed authors and speakers. I’m thankful for all the women that fought for these rights, I am reaping the benefits. But it seems the battle has taken a nasty turn. The fight for equality has turned into a fight for superiority.

Elizabeth Gould Davis (The First Sex, 1971), a famous feminist, regarded men as genetic mutations because of their Y chromosome, believing women had superior DNA makeup with an extra X chromosome, accounting for “superior physiological makeup and the superior intelligence of women over men.”

Candice Bushnell (Sex and the City) wrote a book about 4 women in New York called Lipstick Jungle. The women were CEO’s, tycoons, and they wanted women ruling the world. As one of the characters was going through a divorce, she reflected on men this way: “It’s always amazing how quickly they crumble when the pressure gets to be too much. We have all these ideas about men, but they’re all wrong. Men are just weak little frightened people…”

In the past men degraded women, but now women are degrading men. All respect is gone. Women think they can do everything better than men.  “Men only hurt you, use you, or abuse you. They’re all lazy, immature, and cheaters. We don’t need men to be fathers to our children. We’ll make better dads anyways.” We demanded respect from men and we’re starting to get it, but what have we begun to do? We disrespect men. We’ve forgotten how much we hated how they treated us, and sometimes still treat us as women. In our fight to be free, we’ve forgotten to be biblical. (Lk. 6:31-32)

It’s evident men and women are different. God’s given us different strengths and weaknesses, but we’re all made in His image (Gen. 1:26-27). We’re all equal in value, worth, and dignity in Christ. (Gal.3:28) God made male and female different for a reason: to complement each other, to balance each other out and perform different functions here on earth – all which deserve respect. Different doesn’t mean better or worse. It’s just different. If you’re a mother, are you better or more valuable than your child? No! You just perform a different function than your child. Are you better than your girlfriends if you’re better at cooking, school or singing than they are? No!

As Mary Kassian states, “The Lord created male and female as an object lesson – a parable as it were – of a profound spiritual reality: The relationship between Christ the husband and the Church, His Bride. Men are to reflect the strength, love and self-sacrifice of Christ. Women are to reflect the character, responsiveness, grace and beauty of the Bride He redeemed.”

Women aren’t better than men, and vice versa. We’re all sinners, but Christ commands we love one another, as He loved us (Jn.15:12). Only through God’s grace and help can we ever do anything worthy or valuable in His eyes. We are equal; Different in role, equal in worth.

Just as we want respect from men, they want respect as well. (Eph. 5:33) We give respect, not because it’s deserved or earned by a flawed human, but because they were created in the image of God. No matter how frustrating we sometimes find men, they should receive respect because we’re all commanded to give it.(Rom.12:10) While our foremothers fought valiantly for their future daughter’s rights, we must be careful not to fall into the thinking of feminists who treat men as worthless. As women, we must take care that we ourselves do not become abusers of equality.

Related posts:

1. Is Meek for the Weak?
2. The End of Men?
3. Where are the Young Men?