If you’ve ever had an imaginary boyfriend, a romantic fantasy with a celebrity or a mental vacation from your husband, you have struggled in your thought-life. When it comes to inner purity, our thought-lives could be compared to a playground. One moment we climb the ladder toward victory and the next we’re nudged over the edge and can’t stop the downward spiral until we’ve fallen back where we started. The more confident we feel on the swing, the higher and higher we want to escape from keeping our feet on the ground.  The faster we spin the merry-go-round, the more distorted reality becomes.

While the struggle with lust takes a different form for women, it is far from being a male-only issue.  In the book, Sex is Not The Problem (Lust Is), Joshua Harris explains that “when a woman sees a seductive ad featuring a man, she might be tempted to fantasize about him, but odds are that this temptation will be rooted in a fantasy about a relationship with him, with physical pleasure being a subset of her craving for passionate affection and emotional intimacy.” (86) The same way that visual pornography is a distortion of God’s good design for male sexuality, fantasizing is a distortion of God’s good design for female sexuality.

Sexual desire itself is God-given and good. The difference between walking in purity and being dragged by your unfulfilled longings is not whether you have these desires, but what you do with them. “It’s not lust to have a strong desire for sex. A sexual thought that pops into your mind isn’t necessarily lust, but it can quickly become lust if it’s entertained and dwelled on,” (Harris). To lust is to stir up and dwell on a desire that cannot be righteously fulfilled. As John Piper defines it, “Lust is a sexual desire that dishonors its object and disregards God.

1 Peter 2:11 tells us to “abstain from fleshly lusts which wage war against the soul.” Jesus said that when we have lust, we commit adultery in our hearts. (Matt. 5:28) And Paul describes those who live in the passion of lust as those who don’t know God (1 Thess. 4:5). The secret sin of lust has dire spiritual consequences. Harris rightly observes that there are few discouragements to a Christian’s walk with God like failing in the fight for purity. Like a futile attempt at satisfying hunger with cheap candy, you’re left with a rotting emptiness that deadens your appetite for holiness.

Romans 6:11-13 says, “So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness.” When we choose to dwell on a lustful thought, we take what God created for good and present it to sin. We spiritually commandeer what God made for His glory and use it as a tool for unrighteousness.  Romans 6 goes on to ask a sobering question: “But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death.” What can lust ever bring you but discontent, shame and a cyclical desire for more of what leaves you feeling empty? That’s not fulfillment. That’s enslavement.  But if you have been crucified with Christ, you are no longer a slave to sin but a slave of your merciful, soul-satisfying God, whose will for you is the wholeness of His sanctification (Rom. 6:21-22, 1 Thess. 4:4).  God intended for you to find complete fulfillment, joy and acceptance in His love.

At the core of the issue of habitual lust is probably a deeper issue of the heart. May I lovingly suggest to you that, for women, the problem with our thoughts is often a problem with our God?  Now we all struggle to submit our desires under the authority of Christ. But if retreating to a fantasy world is where you go when you’re tired, fed up and frustrated or feeling alone and unloved, what you are saying to your Creator – whether or not you consciously think this –is that He has somehow disappointed you. Your life was not ordered as you would have preferred it. You know He could have brought fulfillment in this area. But since He hasn’t you attempt to fulfill it your own way because you believe you’re entitled to more than He’s given.  You’re not only unsatisfied, you’re passively angry with your Creator. If your thought-life is consistently your battlefields, harnessing sexual desire may only be treating a symptom of the cause. The battle for our minds is as old as the Garden of Eden, where we, like Eve, believe that God is holding something back from us (Gen. 3:5). For true victory, and authentic obedience, we must repent of being angry with our Lord, acknowledge His authority over every part of our lives and rest in the knowledge that He is good to us (Psalm 119:68) and that He is for us (Psalm 56:9).

Along with that, there are some habits we can cultivate in our daily lives that help us walk in obedience to God and victory in our thought-lives. These suggestions are from a list by John Piper in an article entitled, “Strategies for Fighting Sexual Sin.”

• Believe that God is for you. (Psalm 84:11)
• Recognize that God’s laws are intended to protect something precious not deny something pleasant. (1 Thess. 4:3)
• Store up good things to think on. (Phil. 4:8)
• Meditate on the truth that Christ suffered agony for your purity. Fight image with image. (Titus 2:14, 1 Cor. 5:15)
• Realize that lust disables and weakens our capacity for higher spiritual joys with God. (1 Peter 2:11, Mark 4:19)

To simply stop the sin is an incomplete solution – we have to replace and fill our minds with a Greater Thought, a Better Meditation. We must turn from one source of contemplating, to completing the Person, the work and the character of Christ.  When we focus on who Jesus is and truly savor our Savior, the lure of lust will be starved out. Then, we have to preach to ourselves: “How can you stay here when you are dead to sin and alive to Christ?” (Rom. 6:2, 11)  “What will this temptation ever bring me but more shame?” (Rom. 6:21)  “I was set free to be free and by God’s Spirit will not be enslaved again,” (Gal. 5:1).

Other practical ways we can avoid lust is to be aware of those things that are triggers. For some women, specific times of the day are more of a temptation than others. Meditating on Scripture as you fall asleep will set your mind on what is pure and true. For others, certain music or chic-flicks frequently cause them to stumble.  If it’s constantly pulling you down, try a 30-day fast from the radio and movies. It sounds extreme but if you eliminate the distractions for a season you’re more likely to be in tune with the Spirit on what media can later be re-introduced without sending you on a downward spiral. And for many women it’s the romance novels. Maybe it’s time to put the Fabio-fable down and see what affect it has on your walk with God. Lastly, 2 Tim. 2:22 says that along with fleeing lust, we are to “pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.” Are the people in your life a help or hindrance to purity? Are you surrounded by people that influence you to desire (physically or emotionally) things that God, in His sovereignty, has not given or do you have friends that stir you to love and good works (Heb. 10:24)? Pursue righteousness along with those who call on the Lord with a pure heart.

You’re not alone in the struggle for inner purity.  Your High Priest sympathizes with your weaknesses and just like you, was tempted in every way, but was without sin. This same Priest was the payment for every failure, every thought. Your Advocate is interceding on your behalf right now (1 John 2:1, Rom. 8:34) and He “is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy,” (Jude 24).

Therefore, sisters in Christ, because of God’s mercy “present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship.” (Romans 12:1) May the Lord Jesus reign over the playground of our minds.

© Katie McCoy
www.unlockingfemininity.com

Girl-Gone-Wild: Impure & Dishonorable
Girl-Gone-Wise: Pure & Honorable

Girl-Gone-Wild: “… and kisses him.” Proverbs 7:13

Girl-Gone-Wise: She controls her body in holiness and honor, and does not wrong her brother in this. 1 Thessalonians 4:4-6*

Promiscuity and adultery also saturated Greek culture. One writer admitted, “We keep prostitutes for pleasure; we keep mistresses for the day-to-day needs of the body; we keep wives for the begetting of children and for the faithful guardianship of our homes.” There was no shame whatsoever in extra-marital relationships.

It was to new believers in this sex-crazed Roman and Greek culture that Paul wrote the following passage:

“Finally, then, brothers,  we ask and urge you in the Lord Jesus, that as you received from us how you ought to walk and to please God, just as you are doing, that you do so more and more. For you know what instructions we gave you through the Lord Jesus.

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you.

For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.”

1 Thessalonians 4:1-8

The young believers in the church in Thessalonica were trying to figure out what their new faith meant. Some undoubtedly had promiscuous sexual histories and were carting around a bunch of sexual baggage. They reasoned that they ought to indulge their passions and pursue sexual pleasure, and that it was completely acceptable to do so outside the confines of marriage. Though they had accepted Christ, they still had a very ungodly perspective on sex.

Paul challenges them to bring their thinking and behavior in line with the gospel of Jesus Christ. He reminds them of 5 things the Lord wants believers to do:  1) Abstain from sexual immorality, 2) Aim for increased sexual purity, 3) Control your body in holiness and honor, 4) Don’t sexually defraud others, and 5) Don’t disregard the importance of sexual conduct.

1.  Abstain from sexual immorality

Immorality translates the Greek word porneia, from which we get our English word pornography. It means sexual unfaithfulness. It refers to any type of illicit sex that takes place outside of a (heterosexual) marriage covenant. Paul tells the believers to abstain from sexual immorality. In other words, he says, “Christians don’t sleep around outside of marriage!  Staying out of bed with someone you aren’t married to is the bare minimum, Christianity 101, baseline sexual standard for followers of Jesus. If you’ve been sleeping around, stop sleeping around. Abstain. Give it up. That’s what Jesus expects you to do.”

2. Aim for increased sexual purity

The Lord doesn’t just ask us to refrain from illicit sexual intercourse. He asks us to aspire to increasingly higher standards of sexual purity. That’s why “How far is too far” really isn’t the right question. He doesn’t want us to ask how close to immorality we can get without crossing the line. He wants our sexual conduct to become more and more holy. Paul encourages the Thessalonians to pursue sexual purity-and to “do so more and more.”

Sexual impurity is a sin that the Lord often lists alongside the sins of immorality and sensuality. The word literally means “uncleanness.” It means dirty, common, and ordinary.  Purity is the exact opposite. It means clean, uncommon, and extraordinary-set apart. As we grow in Christ, our understanding of and desire for sexual purity will also grow. It won’t happen overnight, but as we are sanctified to become more like Jesus, our sexual conduct will become increasingly clean, extraordinary, and set apart for Him. The Lord doesn’t want you to settle for dirty, common ordinary sex. He wants you to reach higher. He wants you to nudge the bar up from where it is now.  He wants you to constantly aim for increased sexual purity.

3. Control your body in holiness and honor

Sexual purity takes self-control. It requires that we don’t mindlessly follow our sexual passions, like people who don’t know God. The Lord wants us to control our sexual impulses. He wants us to intentionally rein them in and submit them to Him. He has bestowed His Holy Spirit upon us-the Spirit of power, love, and self-control-to help us discipline ourselves, and control our bodies and sexual passions in a holy and honorable way. (2Timothy 1:7)

4. Don’t Sexually Defraud Men

Paul advises the Thessalonians to ensure “that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter.” The Greek word is also translated “defraud.” It means to overreach or overstep; to go beyond. It carries the implication of selfish personal gain. Defrauding a brother is overstepping the line to take something that is not yours to take. The Girl-Gone-Wild of Proverbs 7 defrauded the young man. She seized him and kissed him when she had no right to.  His compliance or approval is inconsequential. She still wronged him. She wronged him when she overstepped God’s idea of what was appropriate. Whenever you interact with a man who is not your spouse in a way that you should only interact with your spouse, you not only sin against God, you also wrong your brother.

5. Don’t disregard the importance of sexual conduct

Sex is a big deal to God. Paul warns the new believers not to underestimate or disregard the importance of their sexual conduct. He told the believers in Corinth the same thing:

“The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body . . .Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never! Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.” But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” 1 Corinthians 6:13-20

Wrongful sexual conduct violates your covenant relationship with Jesus. It’s serious stuff. It has serious consequences. Paul implies that it has greater consequences than other types of sin. Over my years of ministering to women, I have found this to be the case. Because sexual immorality is an assault on your womanhood, it damages you in a way that other sins do not. When you sin sexually, you sin against your own body. You fracture your God-given identity. There is always great hope in the power of Christ’s redemption. But those who engage in sexual sin dig themselves into a very deep pit from which it is often exceedingly difficult to climb out. In my experience, Satan capitalizes on sexual sin and establishes spiritual ties, footholds and strongholds that require extensive spiritual warfare to overcome. So if you haven’t wandered down the path of sexual sin, please don’t. If you have, realize that God has the power to heal, and that He will fight with you to redeem what you have lost. But realize too, that the scars will remain for some time, and that you will face battles that you would not have had to face had you remained sexually pure.

© Mary A. Kassian

This is a pre-publication excerpt from “Girls Gone Wise in a World gone Wild,” © Mary A. Kassian to be published by Moody Publishers in 2010. All rights reserved. You are welcome to link to this post, but please do not copy and/or reproduce this copyrighted material without express written permission of Moody Publishing.

Popular culture teaches that sex is a normal part of any dating relationship. The message is that men will not date you, love you, or marry you, unless you have sex with them. Sex is heralded as the harbinger to emotional intimacy and deeper commitment. But does this Sex & the City dating philosophy really work? Does sex lead to deeper, more committed relationships? Dawn Eden, a 31-year old unmarried rock journalist in New York City thinks not. In her book, The Thrill of the Chaste, she explains why she pitched her Sex & the City lifestyle for the thrill of chastity.

Dawn was a columnist for Salon, Billboard, and Mojo, and she is now the deputy news editor at the New York Daily News. In The Thrill of the Chaste, Dawn bares her soul to show by personal experience that Sex & the City feminism doesn’t work. She argues that this philosophy numbs and fragments the souls of women, and actually pulls them further away from the commitment and emotional intimacy they so desire.

Women would like to believe that after having sex in numerous dating relationships, they (like their Sex & the City movie heroines), will end up happily married. But unfortunately, the statistics don’t bear that out. The chance of a woman having a stable marriage actually decreases with each sexual partner.  Dawn came to realize that having premarital sex actually made her less likely to get married. She notes:

There must be a reason why people, in the face of loneliness and isolation, are willing to forgo easy pleasures in hope of better ones. For me, it’s because I became convinced that having premarital sex – contrary to what our culture claims – actually made me less likely to gain a husband. Moreover, I realized that my readiness to engage in physical intimacy altered me emotionally to the point that I was not equipped to sustain a marriage.

Throughout the book, Dawn is candid about her sexual history and the effect it has had on her life. This is the book’s greatest strength, and ironically enough, also its biggest limitation. Dawn notes that it was her conversion to Christianity/Catholicism that caused her to examine her dating habits and brought her to her senses. Although she is open about her faith, it’s her personal experience with the Sex & the City lifestyle that gives her words the greatest credibility. This book chronicles her personal journey toward chastity. So if you’re looking for substantive Bible teaching on the topic, or are already convinced about the merits of chastity, this isn’t really the book for you. On the other hand, since she doesn’t delve into the Bible very much and doesn’t talk about “Catholic” theology,  it’s a book that Evangelicals could find useful in some circumstances.

I was thinking that it would be a great book to give my friend, “Kate”. Kate is an old friend from high school that’s burned through a series of relationships and marriages. Last time I talked to her, Kate was concurrently dating and sleeping with three separate men. I think the book might hold up a mirror and put words to the feelings of emptiness and disillusionment she undoubtedly feels. And maybe it would be a catalyst for her to stop  jumping into bed with every male prospect long enough to examine her relationship with God. Because in the end, the thrill of the chaste isn’t in chastity itself, nor is it in a lasting, successful marriage … it’s in the relationship it allows us to experience with Jesus, the lover and redeemer of our souls.

I don’t get it. How is a woman wobbling down the boulevard with sore feet and a pained expression on her face a symbol of empowerment? Women can barely stand their ground, let alone walk in these new sky-scraping, ankle-breaking stilettos. Catwalk models have been doing spectacular face plants.

Louboutin calls the super stilettos “limo shoes” because women need a limo to get anywhere if they wear them. Hmm… doesn’t this sound vaguely reminiscent of the ancient trend of women being carted around in litters by male servants because they couldn’t walk on their tiny and tightly bound feet?

I stand at 5 foot 11and a half inches tall in my stocking feet. If I were to don a seven inch pair of heels, I would reach a staggering 6′7″! Even the thought leaves me feeling dizzy and gasping for air. Call me unenlightened, but quite frankly, even for short girls, I see seven inch pencil heeled stilettos as extremely skanky and silly. I am astounded that any man could, with a straight face, say that they “empower” women. But I’m even more astonished that any woman would suspect it true and “fall for” this trendy idea.

If skanky stilettos are the best “empowerment” the world has to offer women, I think I’ll pass.

Power is the ability to do things, by virtue of strength, skill, resources, or authorization. The Bible teaches that God is almighty and all power is derived from him and subject to him.

Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as head above all. Both riches and honor come from you, and you rule over all. In your hand are power and might, and in your hand it is to make great and to give strength to all. 1 Chronicles 29:11-12 (ESV)

Modern shoe designers would like me to believe that I’m “empowered” as a woman by putting on a pair of high heels to look taller and sexier. But the Bible refutes this fallacy. True empowerment comes by bowing my knee to the source of true power. When I submit to the Lord, He empowers me with “divine power” to destroy spiritual strongholds, arguments, and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God. (2 Corinthians 10:4) His power helps me, strengthens me, preserves me, delivers me, and exalts me. His power in me accomplishes abundantly more than all I can ask or think. (Ephesians 3:20).

So sorry Mr. Louboutin, I don’t think I’ll be dropping any money on your stiletto brand of women’s empowerment anytime soon. When it comes to empowerment, the Lord has a much better, more beautiful, and lasting design.

Copyright 2009, Mary Kassian

Barbara Millicent Roberts turned 50 last month.  She’s  a few years older than me, but from recent media appearances, I can tell she’s in much better shape.  Ms. Roberts doesn’t show any signs of aging.  Her skin is flawless.  She has no wrinkles.  No blemishes.  No age spots.  No loss of elasticity. As always, her makeup is perfectly applied – her hair is stylish and shiny.

Ms. Roberts  weighs the same as she did twenty years ago.  Her waist remains tiny, her legs long and slim. Her nails are always perfectly groomed. No backaches or bunions keep her from constantly wearing high heels. Clothes are crucial, and contributors to her extensive and fashionable wardrobe include world-class fashion designers Armani, Givenchy, Calvin Klein, Donna Karan, Dior, and  Versace.

It’s not just her appearance that’s a source of envy. Barbara Roberts has a long and illustrious resume. She’s been a rock star, a professional athlete, an astronaut, a doctor, and a presidential candidate.  She currently earns about $3.3 billion a year.  And she’s popular too. She’s had scores of friends, and has been romanced for decades by a handsome, long-time suitor. With her beauty, clothes, cars, houses, careers and independence, Ms. Roberts is the epitome of fulfilled womanhood.

The problem is, she’s not a real woman. She’s a toy. You probably know her by her retail nickname, “Barbie.”  And the image of womanhood she portrays is as fake as her plastic skin. It’s sad that the best vision of womanhood the world has to offer is built on artificial beauty, exaggerated sexuality, unfettered consumerism, fierce independence, and unrealistic expectations. Barbie’s image totally misses what true womanhood is all about.

God’s plan for manhood and womanhood existed from eternity past, before the foundation of the world. Scripture explains that he created us to display his glory (Isa. 43:6-7). That was his overarching purpose. Manhood, womanhood, and marriage displays the glory of God’s marvelous plan – that Jesus Christ laid down his life as husband to redeem and purify the Bride he loves (the Church).  When God created male and female, he had the relationship of Christ and his Bride in mind. Men are to reflect the strength, love and self-sacrifice of Christ. Women are to reflect the character, grace and beauty of the Bride he redeemed.

The implications for womanhood are staggering. This places womanhood at the center of God’s ultimate purpose. It endows it with supernatural significance and meaning.  It lifts it from a Barbie-Doll-type existence to a profound level of importance. Womanhood exists to display God’s masterpiece of redemption. Sisters, the vision of womanhood that modern culture entices us with is far too small.  Barbie’s beauty is shallow, fleeting, and deceptive. But the beauty of Christ’s holy Bride is spectacular, eternal and real. (Eph. 5:22-33)

Plastic Barbie or Eternal Bride . . . Which of these two visions of womanhood has captivated your heart?